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My best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Hi,
My best friend died 17 days ago. He was my only friend and an alcoholic. He drank because of deep emotional pain that he was not able to deal with. I understood that about him. I know he had struggles to do the right thing, I know that he did not want to drink, he just did not know how to deal with the pain so it was easier to drink the pain away and that is how he chose to numb himself. I understand that. Upon reflection after his death I realised how deep his emotional pain truly was.
My best friend was a very good man as well as a very gentle man and he loved me very much. I loved him very much too. We were there for each other through the good times and the bad times. We supported each other, had long talks about lots of different things, we learnt a lot off each other and I could not have asked for a better friend. He was a big man with an even bigger heart which sadly many times people would take advantage of his good nature which really upset me a lot. I am happy that in our friendship I was the kind of friend that never took advantage of that and was always so honest with him and always followed through on what I promised him.
I am so glad that I gave him the gift of my friendship and I was very loyal to my friend no matter what. I will carry my loyalty to him throughout my life. I am also so happy for the friendship he gave me and for the beautiful time we shared together. My friend was an alcoholic but he achieved so much good in his life. Him and I never argued and when we had a grievance withone another which was so very rare we could talk about it with each other openly and honestly and get it sorted out very quickly and move on from it. Our friendship was so good and it is very hard to find friendships such as this in ones life.
He was a well known athlete that made many achievements in different sports, he was very very smart and became a bank manager after just one year. He had the love of God in his heart. He was deeply sensitive and would give the shirt off his back to anyone even if it was the last thing he had. He had two beautiful children whom he loved deeply yet was sad as he felt he had failed them as a father and that tore him to pieces. In my heart he was still a very good father regardless of his alcoholism. I know he loved his children. He would help anyone out in need when he saw there struggles. He always had a kind word to say. He loved flowers,animlas, birds and nature. He was a fantastic story teller and prankster, something we both shared. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he made me sad, he made me happy, he made me angry but I loved him dearly the whole time. We understood one another.
There is an emptiness in my life now that I need to fill and it is a big space to fill. The only way I can fill some of it now is by remembering him and I will never be able to forget him. He had too much of an impact in my life and he was so precious to me.
We had a deep bond and love for one another. It was purely platonic. I am absolutely devastated by his passing. It was sudden and unexpected. Although he was ill I did not see it coming. I have no words to describe the pain I feel and I have literally gone crazy. My best friend died at home where we lived together and I am currently still living where he died which makes things even harder. I know it is not helathy for me to be here anymore but for many reasons I cannot leave. I am in the midst of grief and everyone really knows how stressful a move can be.
Leaving this house when I do is going to be hard. I feel that even though it is best for me to go, I will be losing him again because he is all over this house. I am aware I feel that way because I ahve not accepted his passing yet and not sure when I will accept it. For me it is hard to accept it now. I can tell myself he is gone now and is not coming back but believing that is another story. Some days I struggle to want to even get up let alone find somewhere else to live. My grief has totally consumed me. I am so angry and upset with myself that all the while I was at home he had passed away and I did not know it. It was one time I could not save him.
Three months prior to his passing my friend had a period of sobriety. It was so good to have my friend back again. We shared some beautiful times together. Times of tears, happiness, sadness, laughter, joy, deep and meaningful talks, doing things together, sharing about our life, the good and the horrible. He got back into healthy eating, he got cleared to go back to work as bank manager, he was weight lifting again as he wanted to compete again, he started taking care of himself and we started watching movies together again, he started to live again. I told him often how proud I was of him and how well he was doing. He was my rock. I am so grateful for that three months with him that I had yet sad I get no more special time with him ever again.
The week before he passed away he was in hospital twice and it was serious. I was with him both times he was in hospital. I remember our conversations in hospital and the last time I was in hospital I knew there was just nothing more I could do for him. I ahd done everythingI possibly could, many people have said to me I went far and above what any friend would do but I think to myself that itis odd that a friend would not do this for their friend. My friend in the end was helpless literally. He was having a lot of falls, he could not even shower himself or sometimes even make it to a toilet. He was completely not well. How could I leave him and live with that. I could not.
All I could manage to say at one point when he looked at me with so much sorrow and guilt was God still loves you and I held his hand. It was so very hard to see my friend that way and I wished he would get better. I am feeling angry with the hospital, very angry. I guess I am looking for someone to blame for his death but really what purpose would it serve, it would not bring him back or change anything. In saying that though I feel they were negligent in there duties and that I am not OK with.
On the day he died his ex wife found him and ran down the stairs calling out my name, thankfully I was out the back and came inside. She said I think Jan's dead. I looked at her and I just SCREAMED. I started to shake, in hindsight I screamed because of such a sudden shock. I had only been in his room an hour before and it dawned on me that I did not find him. It was all so fast and my head seemed to work that out in a matter of seconds. I was in massive shock. My head told me that he was gone when I saw him but it would not accept it. The ambulance seemed to take forever to come and in my mind I was thinking the whole time when they get here he is going to be ok, they will bring him back and he will be ok. When the ambulance got here and did nothing, I just did not know what to do. I just walked out of his room. I was still in deep shock and wanted to scream. I really had no idea what to do with myself.
I know the police have a job to do and they were doing that job, however I did not make a very good statement that day. Who would in those circumstances? I was a real mess. It was a one page statement saying very little. A few days after my friends passing, I rang the police officer in charge of investigating my friends death and told him I wanted to re do my statement. I made my original statement under duress and I felt that it was not all the evidence I wanted to give. I wanted to do that for my friend. I did not want to live with it on my own conscience that I did not do something properly.
A few days later I went in ad re did my statement, end result 4 pages long. It was so hard to do and I had to just turn my emotions off and do it. I felt relieved and I am glad I did it even though it was hard. I wanted a proper investigation done. I am not sure if there will be an inquiry but the coroner is investigating. The autopsy hass been done and it will not be for another six months till I know how he passed away. COD unknown at the moment.
I still do not know what to do with myself really. I have not accepted his passing yet. I keep thinking he is going to come home anytime now. I really struggle deeply without him. There was no warning, it just happened. I don't think even he knew it was going to happen. I say this because he was talking about a future. People that talk about a future arent thinking about dying. Sometimes when I go out I forget he is not going to be home when I get there and then I remember. Sometimes I pretend it has not happened so I don't have to deal with my own pain but that is not working anymore. I have to face this.
It is hard, many things are hard. When mail comes pretty much everyday for him and he cannot read it and I cannot tell people he has passed away. When a delivery came for him of a book he had ordered. When people ring and leave messages on the home answering machine. When bit by bit the family comes and takes things that are a memory for him and I. The plans we spoke of that I wont get to do with him now. When I look at his car and think about the times we wnt somewhere together, celebrating him getting his licence back. Millions of memories. I miss him so much every single day. Last night I put up the Christmas tree and I just wished he was there as we had spoken of putting it up. I do things everyday that honor my friend, I guess it is my way of keeping his memory alive and letting him know in my own way that I miss him and even though he is not here I still do things for him that I know he would appreciate. I have a shrine in my own room and that space is dedicated to him, filled with things that mean things to me and of our time together.
Even though I have written this and seemed quite with it, I am not with it really. I have had loss in my life however this is very different this time around. Each loss is different and this loss has affected me in a way that I have never experienced before. Everything is different to me. My inner world, my outer world, my beliefs, what I want to change about me, about my life, about how I live, what I do, what is important, what is not important, how to take care of myself during this time and how to deal with such intense grief. I know that no one can fix this or nothing can fix this but time. I do not know how much time and every day is hard. At this point I am existing but I am not really living. How do you live when your whole world gets ripped out from underneath you?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Stanley Ruiz on
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I know how you feel ,this was my second Thanksgiving without Ralph and this entire year I cried almost every day and I continue to live in this house.Sometimes I think he is here and I talk to but I remember the good times and he would want me to continue living and he would want me to be happy.I am trying.I have my good days and bad days but I am slowly improving.I have become closer to Our Creator and I always pray to get better. .I am living even though was world has fallen apart and I have a hole in my heart but I continue,I have no choice and you have no choice Stanley
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I UNDERSTAND STANLEY
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Hello Lee,
I read your post earlier and just getting to reply now. As I try to always say, I don't know how you feel exactly. I say that because I don't walk in your shoes. However, I'm pretty sure the pain is the same as what I have felt since losing my mom over a year and a half ago.
Just to say that - a year and a half - is hard to believe. I know death is something we have to deal with in life, but I went through seeing 4 people (3 of which were somewhat close/2 very close) in the span of 14 mths. Yes parents, aunt and uncle all gone concluding in Mom passing in May 2012.
Mom's passing has me/had me questioning many things. I also think I have realized things. She was very sad I believe. She masked it and lets just say I find myself nodding and shaking my head if that makes sense to all of what you write.
When I saw people going through her things like what I call a vulcher (spelling?), yet they did little to help her in her living years - especially recent years. I had spent a lot of time at what was her and dad's home, and the days leading up to seeing the place be packed up and moving things out of there was very hard. It had to be done, but it didn't make it any easier.
This will be Christmas the 2nd without either Mom or Dad. I think of them everyday probably I would say.
Going to their resting places is bittersweet. I used to feel a comfort going to my grandparents resting places, but this is different. There is a lot more pain with this.
I have gone through grief counselling and spoken with various people. It all helps to some degree, but doesn't fill permanently the massive whole left from their absence.
My thoughts go to you, and all I can say is what helped me cope a bit better was to speak with someone who has experience in helping people with grief. Every death is going to hit people differently. I still want to speak with people for support, whom understand the pain one feels when a loss hits so hard. I probably will talk to my grief provider again soon. Christmas feels very surreal, and I'm trying hard to force myself to do the non commercial things as for various reasons I'm not into the whole shopping thing. I used to get a few things for Mom and Dad and with them gone it feels like a huge void at Christmas. I never planned to be "alone", but my whole world started to be rocked in 2011 and then shaken it was in 2012.
I'm trying to plan for the future and figure out what I really want out of life (within some degree of reality). I feel I will be fine, but it has been and continues to be rocky in various aspects. I have my health as far as I know (no signs of anything!) so I thank god everyday for that - and will do that again as I finish typing this.
I need to work on aspects of my life career and personal (for my future) and that's what I'm thinking of now. I just want alot of the "rough seas" I'm navigating in life (financially especially) to calm sooner rather than later. I think I'm slowly weathering it and the rough seas are sometimes caused by our own choices. I'm being very vigilent now, and bailing out as it were and patching up to prevent new waves.
Sorry for the rambling but thanks for reading or "listening" as I like to say sometimes re listening to written word.
My thoughts are with you Lee and I will pray that you will find guidance through God in a positive way. As I conclude, I think back to the first easter without Mom (2013) and I got to spend it in a different city and saw church in a happy way at a nice parish. It makes me want to live in that city if I could make it work, and it keeps calling me in a way.
God bless to you Lee and to all who have suffered a sudden loss. It is probably the worst type of loss I guess.
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Hi Mark.
Multiple losses in a short space of time, I cannot even imagine what that would be like for you so I am not even going to attempt to say I know how you feel because I do not, rather there is commonalities that we all experience in grief regardless of how many losses there have been.
It is hard to see and experience the things around you when they are going on so shortly after someone you loved and cared for passes away. Change around you as well as within you can be so overwhelming and is all part of the grief and there is no wrong or right. It is also hard because as much as you know the person that passed on is in a better place, there is stuff left behind to sort out, work through, epiphanies, realisations, things you never knew before about that person that you learn of, the see saw feelings with no middle ground, having to make choices and decisions that cannot always be put off forever and a day. It's all so damn hard.
I am sorry you find it bittersweet when you go to your parents resting place, my best friend ahs no resting place, his wishes were to be cremated which has been done now so there is no place for me to go and visit. I actualy would of like that because then it would feel like I could go and visit him.
Nothing can fill that hole, there will always be a degree of missing that person a lot and how to go on in life without them. It for me has only been about three weeks now so VERY FRESH like it was just yesterday and I have a long way to go in resolving so many things and being at peace about his passing and even acceptance I would say. Many blessings have come from his passing and that is nice, however I am still going through my own process. Grief counselling is not so much a priority for me. I know it is important and it can help but at the end of the day like life,GRIEF is an experience and part of the journey.
I'm sorry that you are having your own personal struggles as well all do regardless of the fact whether we are grieving or not, however the grief makes those personal struggles seem so much more difficult and where to from here is always a very common question. It changes your life, alters your perceptions of reality and possibly also ones beliefs that they held dear to them once.
It was a pleasure to "listen to your story Mark. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with me and I wish you all the very best in that new city when you get there.
God bless you Mark.
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Hi John.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I am sorry for your loss and I do hope that time heals your wounds and I know you will never forget her at all. I hope that in time you find a new love.
Take care.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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sory for yore loss lee i lost my dad lst yr wish i dnt thng grief cud hit me so hrd coz me my dad wear close i wz alwayz a daddys grl u cud say
xmas is evn hard coz my dads bday wz 26th dec
bst thng i did wz wen i fond ths website
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Hi Jo B.
Thank you. I too am sorry for your loss. I did not expect grief to nor my best friends death. It changes everything you feel about everything. I do hope that you can find as much happiness as you can this year on Christmas even if it just a little bit. There is always hope. Bless you.
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Permalink Reply by Dolly on
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LEE: What you wrote was a beautiful and loving tribute to your friend... it showed how deeply you cared, and what a wonderful person he was... alcoholism is a disease and some people just never seem able to be free of it no matter how hard they try.. this doesn't decrease their worth in any way, in my opinion anyway, as its something they have to suffer, and not a character flaw or anything like that...
your friend and you were both so fortunate to share your love for each other... love that looks past the 'faults' or 'imperfections' of others is the only true love... now we all have to live here on this earth without those special people we have lost... its a lonely place without them, and for me often a terrifying place feeling so afraid of the future and what other horrors it may bring, and WHEN??
But for whatever reason we're still here and they aren't... I'm sad for you and for me and for everyone in here... our lives are never going to be the same... I can't bear the thought of leaving this place where my Brandon lived with us... I even can barely leave his ashes behind when I go someplace overnight... I don't know if I'll ever feel differently about that... I still see his things everywhere and it soothes me ...I don't WANT them gone... but little by little they are disappearing...
donating some of his medical equipment, giving away some of his "toys"... when I do that, its when I feel nudged to do it and think maybe he is trying to help me let him go a tiny bit at a time... but I don't think I can ever really 'let him go'.... how can I?
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Hi Dolly.
Thank you so much for acknowledging the tribute I wrote about my friend. I am so sorry for your loss Dolly, one common thing we all share here is the pain and devastation. I am thankful for this place. Letting him go is an interesting question. I don't think you can let someone go from your heart, it is impossible. Perhaps letting little things of his go is a balm for the wounds created by his passing? I don't know really but I wish you love, peace and joy along your healing journey.
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My name is Stanley and I had a gay lover and he was shot in the heart by home invaders and he died October 2 2012 ,I was also shot but I survived,I live in this house surrounded by all his memories.I understand how you feel.I still cry ,I have good days and bad days .I have a hole in my heart and I will never be the same man again,I understand what you are going through.I pray to my Creator to guide me.Why am I here.?You had a platonic relationship and that is beautiful and a special kind of love existed .You must get some help.Find a therapist or a group like this one.Pray as much as you can and when you feel negative ask God to make you feel positive.We can not change what has happened to you and to me but we must move ahead,that is what your friend would want you to do.RIGHT? STANLEY
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