Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on May 28, 2010 at 8:43pm

Anita,
You don't have to say anything until you are ready. I am sorry for you about the tragic loss of your son. It would be very difficult to find words to describe how you are feeling. Hello is a good first step and even though we can not take the pain away we at least be there for you so you are not alone.
Toni

Permalink Reply by Christian on May 29, 2010 at 7:13am

Hi Anita -

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My mom passed away last month and whenever I want to feel close to her I talk to her. I also recall what her skin and hair felt like, how she smelled. Sometimes it makes me cry, but other times it makes me feel a lot less alone. Maybe you can try to imagine how your son felt when you hugged him, or smelled his hair. I don't know if that helps, but I hope you can feel some solace very soon.

Permalink Reply by Charlotte on July 4, 2010 at 3:51pm

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss...there are no words to say except I am so sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you during this tragic time. I lost my son, Jeremy to a drug overdose Thanksgiving 2009. This site has brought me so much comfort and allowed me to write down my feelings and hear from others who are mourning too.

Permalink Reply by rita carroll on July 4, 2010 at 11:07pm

I am so sorry, you are dealing, as myself with it happening on a holiday. I hated when people said this to me, and really wanted to smack them, but today July 4 is 9yrs and time has made it better. I was able to dress and go to church. But 2 mo ago my healthy fiancee just fell over dead in front of me and this was the second time. I am numb and it's probably a blessing.
The drugstore delivered announced methodone to the wrong house and person. My son took the bag, took 10mg on the hour = 70 mg and never woke up.

Permalink Reply by rita carroll on July 4, 2010 at 11:25pm

Dear Anita,
There is surely nothing in this world worse to deal with, but if it can be of any comfort to you one of the senators(Thompson I think), had this happen to his son and he wrote about it was really suicide that took his son, rather than the other way around. It seems he wrote a book.
Jesus was massively tempted to commit suicide by jumping off the cliff, and even as a Christian, I have been very tempted by suicide. When my 19 yr old died, books were my comfort because, I could grab them in the middle of the night, and read the depth of someone's heart in a well thought out and lenthy way, by one that had made the path of horror. I knew I wasn't alone.

Permalink Reply by rita carroll on July 4, 2010 at 11:26pm

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Permalink Reply by Anita K Ryder on July 5, 2010 at 3:45pm

I sit hear reading the bible at this moment, I've been trying to read it and haven't until just recently. I just have this feeling that I'm suppose to suffer and it will not stop. My mother lost her son, my brother, 33 years ago when I was 17, he was 18. He overdosed on drugs. Although we were never close, my brother died at my house on my couch and I always felt she blamed me for it, she flew out to be with me when Chance died. I can't imagine how she had to go through losing her grandson too, although they didn't know each other very well. I never did grieve my brother and only now are those memories of finding him coming back to me all over again. He also died in July, which I think means something, although I don't know what. My son didn't know when he died, I didn't remember either until after Chance died and my mother told me it was July 17th. But even after 33 years, she says it never gets better, just easier to deal with and that we all have to go on living. I'm just so done suffering but know in my heart that the suffering is not over and is not going to be. The only fortunate part of his death is that he died in my arms. I got to be with him as he left this world and the longer time goes by, the luckier I think I am that I got that opportunity. Yesterday was hard, so many memories. July is going to be a hard month, I can't believe it is going to be a year, it seems like yesterday, the memories are so fresh. Thank you all for your comforting comments.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 25, 2010 at 9:43pm

I am so, so , so sorry for your tragic loss! My son was struck by a car while riding his friend's motorcycle on a residential street. He sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later. I constantly beg my son to come to me. I constantly search for any young man that looks like my son. I am obcessed with it. My pain has only icreased, along with my anger. Here is a poem that I try to share with everyone.


Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on August 27, 2010 at 6:22am

I am sorry that your son is gone,I lost my son last month and my heart is 100% broken., I cant feel your pain but if it is anything like the pain I am feeling then I am truely sorry about the loss of your son.
Please send me a message if you would ever like to talk.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 27, 2010 at 8:27pm

Greetings Jodi, I am sorry for all parents suffering through this. That is how I always describe myself....."Broken"! I wish there was a way that our children could let us know that they were truly "ok". That may be the only thing that could possibly help us. I constantly worry that he his crying and sad and mad. My thoughts torture me! That's why I have no peace and I feel like I will never have any unless my son let's me know directly.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on August 28, 2010 at 3:13am

Karen,
All of what you just said is exactly ...EXACTLY...what I am going through and I even went as far as to contact 4..not just 1 but 4 people that claimed to be psychic thinking they could help me reach my son... I do believe in the paranormal.. to do believe that the spirit goes on after death..and I believe that the bond I have with my son is so strong that he can and will get a sign to me that he is ok...I NEED to know my son is ok before I can even attempt to move on...thats what I thought a week ago. I am going to tell you what happened to me in the hopes that you will see it for what it is and think about how it applies to you and just because this is the way for me does not mean it is the way for you so make up your mind on your own...I wanted to tell you this in private because I am afraid people will think I am crazy but now I dont care.. maybe it will help someone.. maybe it will help you. I lost my son a month ago.. the pain from this loss has just about killed me... he was my best friend and we were very close so I knew the pain would be worse this time as opposed to like my aunt or something.. this loss was highly traumatic.. I found him.. I tried to save him and I couldnt...I saw him at 10pm and he was fine and he was dead at 6:30 am the next day.. I was in shock for weeks after he died and I have been close to killing myself so that I can be with him again.. I was in the depth of my grief last weekend.. I hadnt ate or slept in days.. all I could think of was finding a psychic to help me contact my son.. I thought that one right word from a psychic would bring me total relief from my pain.. I would know he is ok so I could relax a little.. but thats not what happened...ALL 4 of the psychics told me that they feel he hasnt accepted his own death so he hasnt gone to the light...the fact that all 4 told me that devistated me because I believed it was true.. it intensified my pain 100 fold..all I could think of was that my baby is scared and alone and doesnt know what to do or where to go and that he is too scared and ashamed because of the way he lived his own life to go into the arms of god... I was panicing at this point..I had to find a way to help my son.. I had to find a way to get him to the light.. I would have given anything to hear one word from my son...I was confused about if I believed all that I do...why have I not heard from my son?..did it mean that all I believe is wrong?..that it isnt true that the soul goes on? I was confused and freaking out..and then I made myself stop..and how I made myself stop was realizing that the bond between me and my son IS strong and it doesnt matter what any psychic says..no one will ever get between me and my son..not even death.,I started thinking this way and soon I realized that as upset as I was,NO one could get to me let alone my son from a different dimention.. I was too upset to see any signs that my son may have been giving me even if he had been.. I had to relax if I wanted any kind of sign from him so I forced myself to lay down and I did end up getting up twice because I was too upset to lay there... but I allowed myself to get up and instead of sitting in my easy chair and starting the process of crying all night again I only went to get a glass of water then made myself lay down again.. I layed there for hours trying to force myself to calm down.. I read.. I took sleeping pills... I went on like that for a long time.. but I made myself stay in bed.. I realized that I hadnt gotten hardly any rest in a month and I know that the body needs rest to survive but your mind also needs it to relax.. I realized at that point that if I did not quit reading and turn off the light I would not sleep so I did that...I layed there for a few short minutes..and made myself take slow deep breaths and about 2 minutes into this I realized that I was now in that weird place between asleep and awake.. I was in the middle of a different thought.. I was relaxing... I was slipping into sleep...and then in the middle of my thought I heard my son's voice.. it sounded far away and kind of strange but it was my son... I heard one word... just one...I heard my son say .. "MOM!".. you would think that that would have made me feel better.. but it didnt.. I could hear desperation in his voice..was he scared and calling out for my help? or just desperate to make me here him.. I do not know the answer to that and maybe I never will but what has made me feel better about all this is because I realized that my son is a smart guy..if he really has not gone to the light yet he will figure it out eventuallly..and he will see that god loves him as much as he loves anyone and that he is forgiven.. I do not believe in hell.. we all go to "Heaven"...no one is turned away no matter what they have done..if there is a hell then that means the perfect love of god is a lie and that we are different and go to different places.. but I know in my heart the truth.. god loves us all equally.. not matter what... just like I loved my son and so god will be able to bring my son to him eventually and my son will be fine..I continue to pray for my son to go to the saftey of gods arms and I hope he can hear those prayers..but even if he cant I know he will be ok... because I have faith in my son and in god...strenghten your faith not your anxiety... I know this makes me sound like some kind of "God freak"... I'm not ...but I am finally opening myself up to the possiblity that god does have a plan for me that I may not ever know until the time of my passing and at that time I will finally get to see my son again so my death will actually be the best day of my life. :) .. I hope I didnt sound too crazy but honestly even if I am crazy there are alot crazier things I could be into than god. I hope you find the same peace that I am just now discovering.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 28, 2010 at 10:13pm

Jodi and to everyone else that may be reading this. It is good and somewhat sad to know that someone else felt the need to contact their loved one. I hope that my son has made it to paradise also. I too came very close to taking a bottle of sleeping pills along with Valium that my doctor prescribed for me when my son passed away. When my little daughter ( she was 5 yrs old) asked me if I was going to die because I am so sad over her brother, I decided to flush them down the toilet. I have 6 children, including my son that was snatched away from me. People dont seem to understand that having other children is not enough. One doesnt replace another. I would be grieving the same way if I had lossed a different child, it just happened to be my eldest son, it doesnt mean that you love the others less. My son's father told me that within the weeks of our son's passing, he came to him in a dream and he, his father, had to tell him that he had passed away. That was very disturbing to me. I still try to convince myself that my son is "ok" but I still feel like I need some assurance. My sister-in-law seems to think that my son has tried to contact me but because of my grief and constant sadness, makes him feel bad, guilty so to speak, guilty in the sense that he knows that I am in so much pain over his passing. She always reminds me how much my son loves me and how he is always concerned about my well-being. She says he wants me to have peace so he will have peace and accept what has happened to him. She is not a medium but she is a very spiritual person. She loves my son as much as I do, truly. I can not speak of my son in the past-tense, that is so difficult because he will always be my son. My son is NOT a memory to me, he is my son. We celebrated his 22nd birthday with his favorite icecream cake, it was hard to sing happy birthday without him being there physically but I was comforted a small amount because his cousins all came over to celebrate and to me, that meant that they didnt forget him. That is my biggest fear, that everyone will forget him because he may only be a memory to most. He had a life, a full life that any 21yr old would have. He loved life and he loved himself. It hurts when I see his friends going on with life, I know it's irrational but I feel like they will forget about him. For me, when people talk to me about my son, it helps me. When they remind me of a funny thing he did or said, it makes me smile, even though it quickly turns into tears, at least I can smile for a moment. I do NOT want to stay like this, I do NOT want to cause my son any distress, I hope I can believe that I will begin to find peace also and just look forward to the day that I can see my son again. Thanks.

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