On November 1, I lost my 24 year old brother due to a car accident. He was employed by the state as a correctional officer and was driving a state van to a training with a coworker. For some reason he didnt see an oncoming rock truck and pulled out in front of it. He and the coworker were killed instantly. He left behind a young wife and 18mo old daughter. He was the youngest of 3 of us. It was such a shock. The first couple of months felt like a nightmare that I couldnt wake up from. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart I think a part of me died with him that day.

My parents are devasted. I feel like I have to be strong for them and feel guilty if I break down in front of them. My dad is closer with me and my remaining brother. My mom wants nothing to do with us. We reach out to her and she wont respond.  Actually shes even been quite mean at times.  I need her to change I need her to be here  for my brother and I to want to lean on each other but she's withdrawn. (My parents have been divorced for 16 years)

My brother who was killed left a wife who is very angry and has decided for whatever reason not to let some us be a part of my niece's life which makes things even harder. I dont just feel like I suffered one loss but three. I miss her and my niece. They are all I have left of him. 

I have 3 children and one on the way and its been very difficult to function as a mom fully and I almost lost our baby when I was only 19 weeks pregnant. I am not mean to my children but sometimes feel drained physically and emotionally and hate that I cant be the mom I used to be. I definately know im not the and loving wife I need to be. 

Other people have made statements to me like "Dont let grief and depression consume you." "Its time for you to move on with your life." Their words make me angry and at the same time guilty and ashamed like I should hide my feelings or that Im not normal. Its only been 3 and 1/2 months! I am going to counsleing but decided against meds for depression because Im expecting.

I know I have a lot to live for and even to be greatful for. But I do have a lot of days that I just rather give up and not go on with life anymore. Not only am I suffering from the loss of my brother but because none of my realtionships are what they should be or what I want them to be.

 Im lost and wonder if there is anyone out there who may be going through the same feelings.