Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on March 3, 2010 at 1:54am

Kim,
I am so sorry for what you have all lost. There is nothing I can say that will make this all go away for you. What I can say is that some days we are what people expect us to be 'strong'. Other days we are just human and it is horribly lonely. It feels like we are broken but the heart will always keep striving for light...or maybe just tries to head away from the pain!
My partner left his three children and three grand childen (one born four weeks after he died). I have two children of my own. And between my partner and I now have two dogs and three cats. His 87 year old mother and I talk about life and death every day. She is my very understanding angel.
I hope that you have at least more than one angel in your life as well.

Permalink Reply by kari vorbeck on March 5, 2010 at 9:51pm

Kim
I lost my husband January 10th. His heart stopped while undergoing a liver transplant. I know what you are going through. I am lost without him. It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. One day I am feeling ok then the next I am crying all day. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I went back to work a few weeks ago and was able to keep it together for two weeks but the last two weeks I have not been doing well. Monday I broke down at work, I could not stop crying I needed to be driven home by HR. I am thinking I went back to work to soon. I may be taking a leave of absence but what is there to do at home other than cry and be depressed. I have tried to reach out to a support group. I was given a book called Grieving the loss of someone you love by Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside. I was amazed at how I could relate to many things in this book. Hang in there what we are going through sucks so bad.

Permalink Reply by kim milligan on March 5, 2010 at 11:38pm

My husband was killed on January 10th also. I guess heaven gained two great guys on one day:( Some days I think I've had the worst day ever, then have a decent one, and then wake up to even a worse day than Ive ever had. Our weather is getting warmer here, and with that brings a whole new range of emotions. Different smells, memories or days past when we would be working in the yard, taking walks, grilling out.... etc. I dread when I start hearing the mowers outside and seeing everyone doing their outside chores... it's going to be horrible for us. I have a lot of support.... the community has rallied around me and my kids... my volleyball team has gotten uniforms in the Miami Dolphins colors, which my husband adored... they wear them instead of the normal red/black uniforms and they say "in loving memory of Leon Milligan" on the sleeve.. they wear teal and orange shoelaces and armbands with his name on them. He was always our scout,... going to check out other teams we would maybe be facing if we reached the state tournament... a huge supporter of my team and myself. Last night my seventh graders won their regional, and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. They did it for Leon.. Monday night as we play our sectional match, we won't have our scout traveling somewhere to scout out our foe for the first round of state tournament, and everyone is aware of that. He is missed by us all... i am trying to be strong for my kids, especially my six year old. She is really starting to get that daddy isn't coming home. It's all so unfair and sometimes I just want to step out of my body, my life for awhile, just to get a break from the pain. Thanks, guys for replying to my thread.... I need someone to talk to that understands this horrible pain.

Permalink Reply by kim milligan on March 10, 2010 at 10:50pm

My anger hasn't come too much.... yet. Reality is really setting in with all of us and today has been particularly rough... I realize there will be no quick fix and I wouldn't want that anyway... How can you love someone so much and build a life together, and even begin to think life will even kind of be ok again? I feel fortunate I am able to function at all. I hope to help anyone on here in any way that I can. I don't want to be on here to have people feel sorry for me.... I just want to figure out a way to survive and help my kids, and maybe help some of you all too.......... Arlene, how old was your husband when he had his heart attack?

Permalink Reply by kim milligan on March 11, 2010 at 11:31pm

wow... It would kill me to lose the two kids the same day like that. leon has three older kids from a previous marriage. I am clinging to them with everything I've got; thank goodness I still have them around me.
I am comforted in some ways, because I still feel like his wife; noone can take that from me. I still love him so much, and that will always be there. We had so many things we were looking forward to, as I'm sure you did with your husband. I don't know how I can have faith in the future of anything, the way he was so suddenly ripped away from us... Are you still having those concerns, or after a little bit of time, are you feeling more secure?

Permalink Reply by Marie on April 6, 2010 at 5:08pm

Hi Kim, My name is Kathy, I'm so sorry you lost your husband and your children lost their father. I know there are no words to explain your grief as I am grieving myself. I lost my love of 8 years to a massive stroke 3/18/10.
We waited for the right time to finally be together, kids moved out for college this year. We were one week away from spending our lives together, when he left my house an hour later I learned he was only 2 blocks away dying and I didn't even know. When I arrived at the hospital he was in a coma, never to return, dying 2 days later.
I'm in disbelief..still. He was so active, handsome and strong and much to young to be gone in a flash.
I can't get over my pain and most people don't understand unless they have felt the same pain.
We loved each other so much..I can't believe I won't ever be able to touch him or hear his voice, his laugh, his hand in mine. I keep falling in and out of the black fog and wonder how I can go on without him.
I wish you and your family peace.
How are you coping?

Permalink Reply by kim milligan on April 7, 2010 at 8:06pm

thanks for writing to me... I am so sorry for your loss. It's just such a horrible thing... almost three months later, I still am having trouble just believing he isn't here and isn't ever going to be again. I can't get my head around spending so many years building up a life... all our conversations, all our plans.. just to be taken away because another person couldn't stay on his side of the road. Just the simple things, like laying in bed with him and when I would turn over, so would he, the sound of him breathing beside me, etc. It's unreal. I am positive you know what I mean. I am haunted knowing he was conscious for awhile after the wreck and knew he was badly hurt, even dying possibly. I can't forgive myself for not being there with him. Forgive may be the wrong word.... I wish very strongly that I could've been there to hold his hand and tell him I loved him during the scariest time of his life. Our six year old daughter is really starting to verbalize her loss.. at first she didn't say a lot. She told me the other day, "mommy, I have an idea.. I want to just go back to being a baby, ok? " I asked her why and she said, "Because I had my daddy when I was a baby.. I want to go back to having my daddy here". It broke my heart. She and my hubby were the big easter egg decorators at our house. Coloring eggs this year was unbearable but we did it. She made one especially for her daddy and wanted to put it at his grave. How pitiful that this is now what she has left with her father!
I am coping because I have to, but I am finding my way. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know....

Permalink Reply by Marie on April 7, 2010 at 9:01pm

I know what you mean when you wanted to be with him at the scene of the accident. Don was found in his car by the police. I spoke with the officer 2 days ago and almost wished I hadn't. She said they were in the area and saw his car in the middle of the street, seeing him at first they thought he had a heart attack but he kept honking the horn then they thought he also had a mental condition because he couldn't talk. It's hard for me to believe they didn't know when you have a stroke it can paralyze you, including speech. He could only move his hands and was sweating very badly wiping the sweat from his face in a panic while honking the horn. He was desperate for help and musn't have felt a sence of urgence from them. It broke my heart not being there with him so close by and me not having a clue. It's very hard to live with.. being a mother it's our job to find a way, make things better. This time I can't make it better.
He has 3 grown children that relied on him and miss him so much and I have 2 that grew to love him these past 8 yrs. I get up everyday to be strong for my kids. Their dad and I are divorced and not very involved in their lives so it's up to me to be strong for them. That's how I can keep moving it breaks their hearts to see me grieving and at 18 and 20 they don't know what to do to help stop the pain. You have younger kids and have to answer tough questions that I'm sure sometimes you can't answer. That has got to be heart breaking. I'm so sorry.. You can reach out at night and hold his hand and tell him all the things you wanted to say..He's here in spirit, I do believe. It's what I do every night.
Thank you for sharing, it helps. Bless you and your family and may you find peace.

Permalink Reply by Becca Pearl on April 7, 2010 at 3:03pm

I know what you are going through. My husband died on March 7, 2010, very suddenly, he was 62. The last thing I saw my husband do was start a pot of tea. After Phil brewed his tea, he went upstairs to work on a piece of furniture he was making for me. I was in the bedroom watching TV and I heard something fall from the stairs, I thought he had dropped the chest he was making, I called him and he didn't answer. He was lying unconscious at the bottom of the stairs, I called 911. I didn't think they would ever get here as I was trying to administer CPR. He died at the hospital, he had a heart attack on the stairs causing his fall, the corner said the heart attack didn't kill him, but the fall is what killed him, and he had massive head injuries. I wish I had called to him and had conversations with him, before he went upstairs; maybe I would have seen the heart attack and have called 911 so his life could have been saved. I am seeing a grief counselor and she tells me it wasn't my fault, but only if I had called to him before he went back upstairs. Phil was a good husband and would have done anything in the world for me. I miss him so much and I am so sad and grief stricken. There was no warning at all; I am still in shock, so I truly know how you feel. My husband was still working, but I am retired, I wish I had a job to go to, to keep me busy and around people, I feel so lonely while I am here by myself. I don't have family close by, but my family has been so supportive. My brother in law came down for two days to help clean up the workroom and take some of his other belongings, I feel sad and a little hard to let go. My daughter will be coming this weekend. I need to be around people and I do have some good neighbors. Phil was my best friend and my love I know how you feel. I will eat as long as people are around, but if I am by myself eating is too much trouble. I didn't get to say bye to him or tell him how much I loved him, before he died. The 13 years we were together he served me coffee every morning in bed, I cry like a baby every morning I wake up. He loved the grocery store as much as I love clothes shopping, I didn’t like grocery shopping. I had to go to the grocery store yesterday, the check outs were horrible, and I had an anxiety attack in the car coming home. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I lost my father to Alzheimer’s in August, that was very hard for me, but it wasn’t sudden like my husband’s death. You are not alone, if you know any coping skills, please share with me.

Permalink Reply by Marie on April 7, 2010 at 7:28pm

I just read your reply and cried all the way through. I've developed many coping skills, sometimes they work, sometimes not..but I try. I talk to him all day at times reaching out for his hand and imagining his hand in mine, telling him how much I miss him and asking him to help me get through this grief. I read books, Robert Brown's "We Are Eternal" and John Edward's, " One Last Time". I pray for God to give me strength and not question him that he has a bigger plan that will be revealed to me one day. I went to a psychologist today that helped some.
He was 62 same as your husband and much too young to die. He had high blood pressure and was supposed to be taking an increased dose the last few weeks but I'm not sure if he did. He was tested for many things the last 2 wks. one being a stress test if only they did a cat scan they would have found bleeding in the brain but they didn't. He just wasn't feeling well the past few weeks even going to the doctor the morning of the stroke. All these tests and they didn't figure it out.
I feel angry, guilty and deep sadness at different times.
I was at the grocery store at Easter everyone seemed to be in couples I had to fight back tears and I'm not a big crier. At least I wasn't before.
I do have friends and family but everyone has to live their own lives and ours is in a standstill trying to pick up the pieces. It's horrible, a grief beyond words. Half of me died with him that night. I know what you mean by forgetting to eat.. my stomach was rumbling so loud the doctor asked me if I had eaten today, the answer was no. Unless my kids are here or at night I'll eat somthing mild like yogurt to give me strength to stand the next day.
I try to take it moment by moment, day by day, week by week and learn to cope as I go. It helps to know someone else is sharing in this thing known as grief.
Please tell me how you're doing and what helps you. You're in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Becca Pearl on April 9, 2010 at 5:11pm

Hi Kahty, I have started grief counselling, seems to help some, but the pain is still there. He wanted to be cremated, I kept some of the ashes and touch his urn in the morning (kind of like things you see in the movies and don't understand, now I do.) I cried all day yesterday, but today I don't think I have any tears left, just sad today. My family and his family lives in different states, both sides have been down to visit me. I feel better when company is here. On Easter I went to church and brunch with a very close friend, who lost her husband two years ago, she is helping me keep it together. I am reading daily devotionals which bring me comfort. I am a Yoga teacher, practicing for 35 years, I really wish I could get into it right now, but the time isn't right. When the time is right I will get back to it. I am going to read the books you suggested. I guess like me, you are finding it difficult to sleep at night, I miss him so much. The town where I live, doesn't have any grief support groups, or I would be attending. I think I will be moving in the future, but everyone says don't act too hastly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Marie on April 9, 2010 at 10:26pm

I feel the same, it doesn't matter what we do it won't give us the thing we want most..them back with us.
I tell myself God has a plan, I don't understand it but I have to put my trust in him.
When I'm alone I go over and over what I could have done to prevent his death but then remind myself it's over and there is nothing else I can do. That's hard to accept, I'm not one to easily give up.
I spend time with friends and I'm having a garage sale this weekend to keep me busy. I always workout 3x's a week but haven't had the energy to go to the gym yet.
It would be good for you to get back to yoga, so spiritual and relaxing. I know it's hard to get motivated to do anything right now. I'm supposed to be starting a new job but don't feel like being cheerful and have lost all ambition.
I'm trying not to make any permanent decisions either. I want to downsize but don't trust myself yet to make any big decisions.
Praying for you

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