"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Lost my Best Friend
The last time I spoke to Mike was on December 16, 2010. He sent me a text message that simply said "What you are doing for me isn't easy, and I really appreciate it." The next day he shot himself in the woods. I never even got a chance to shake his hand.
I met Mike on a depression support forum of sorts. Alot of people there were suicidal. We spent a lot of time talking about how we wanted to off ourselves... who knew I'd be on a grief support forum a year later.
We talked online a lot for a few months, often about feeling suicidal, but we shared other things too. He liked heavy metal music, as I do. We shared crude jokes, and talked about our favorite foods, our jobs, things to do on the weekend. Then we shared phone numbers and addresses - we exchanged books in the mail. It was hard to believe then but looking back now it was the same as the beginning of any true friendship, just from a distance. We spoke on the phone, but not as often as we'd text each other. Sometimes every hour. I liked his voice, his accent. I saw his picture, he was a very handsome guy, in my opinion anyway. We'd come up with nicknames for each other. We had little inside jokes, and they would actually make me laugh out loud. We would even flirt.
At first, I tried not to be judgmental about his suicidal thoughts. I felt like one of the most important things about our friendship was that we both understood the implications of being suicidal and we respected each other's autonomy over our own lives. We talked about it often, freely, and in great detail. We felt comfortable losing ourselves "in front" of each other. I asked him to say goodbye if he ever did it, and he said he would. But each time he said goodbye, I'd talk him out of it. It got harder and harder to accept his suicidal thoughts as I began to realize he was not just a voice, or a text message, but a real living person, and I really cared about him.
In the days before his death I had been contemplating how I could tell him how I felt about him. I'd tried before, I'd say things like "Come here and gimme a hug." But he'd always say "That's impossible". Or "You're a good internet friend." I was afraid to call him because I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him I'd do anything for him if he'd only ask. I wanted him to invite me into his life.
I knew he had stopped going to work. I knew he had bought a double-barrelled shotgun. Every day we'd have text message conversations as I sat at my desk, freaking out as he told me he was sitting in his car at the hunting grounds, just waiting to be able to pull the trigger. I didn't know whether I should contact someone in his family, which would have been easy enough. But it also would have betrayed the trust he had in me, I didn't know he'd actually do it. We'd been through this before. I thought I could save him on my own. But maybe there really wasn't anything I could do. Who knows, if I had told them, he would have done it anyway? After he died, his family told me they knew nothing of his depression. I expected them to be really angry at me but instead they thanked me for caring for their son, their brother, their friend.
There are several feelings I'm grappling with. One is the deep feeling of inconsolable loss, I've never experienced the death of someone so close to me. He understood me in a way that no one else does, he was really unique in my life, and I thought I knew him. It gets so that it hurts, in my chest, my stomach, my heart. I keep thinking "what if? what if? what if?" and missing things I never really had, missing what never really was. So many questions left unanswered. He was all alone that day. Was it a mistake? Did he really expect to die? Did his hand falter? Did it hurt him? What if I did that one thing... would I, could I have saved him? Would he have lived to let me embrace him? It was so hard to talk to the county sherriff on the phone, then his brother, then his mother, thinking I was somehow responsible, somehow I could have averted this loss and I chose not to, but why would I have chosen this?
Then there's a feeling of having to validate my grief. Because of the nature of our friendship, no one in our lives knew about the existence of the other. I keep thinking, my grief is not real. It's fake. It's inconsequential. Our friendship couldn't have been "real". But it was, and I can appreciate the scope of his impact in my life only now, in hindsight, in the absence of his voice and his words, in the absence of just knowing he was out there, somewhere. I must have really loved him and I never even knew his physical presence. Is that ridiculous?
At first I was angry. Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to your family? I told you I'd be upset. Look at me now, even more upset than I imagined I could be. Crying for four days straight. You broke your promise. You didn't say goodbye. You knew. I need you now, whenever I felt this bad, YOU were the one I talked to. Now who do I talk to?
Now I'm not so angry anymore... but the void is still there, stinging with every breath. He changed my world in so many ways, each day I discover a new lesson he's taught me. I'm glad he doesn't suffer anymore, but disappointed, that it had to end this way, that I couldn't help him, that I have to accept this loss. Where will I ever find anyone else like him? Can he hear me now telling him I love him? Does he exist somewhere in the ether, or is he truly gone? What does that mean for me? What IS death? Sometimes I wish I could join him. Who wants to live in a world where this poor kid had to die by his own hand and evil monsters continue to walk? I used to think suicide was always an option... now I have to reevaluate that belief.
Luckily I have been able to keep a correspondence with his mother, who's been unbelievably strong. I can't imagine the immensity of her pain but she is, just as I expected, a beautiful woman and I'm so grateful for her, and just that she exists. It's hard to answer to her, to tell this woman things she never knew about her own son. But she's incredibly understanding.
The pain is growing as I write more about him. He was a beautiful, gentle soul. I want my dead friend back. I just want him back.
Views: 28
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by susan on
-
Marga I am so sorry for your loss and YES your loss is REAL! As is mine.
My husband and best friend (Tim) choose to end his life on November 30, 2010. We were married for 12 ½ years and it took me 12 years to fall in love with my husband. We married soon after we met and had a child shortly thereafter (he also adopted my son from a previous relationship), we were a family. However, as a couple we only truly connected six months ago and my love for him is so deep, sometimes I wonder now if I would have been better off with not connecting with him so my pain wouldn’t be so great, but the guilt would consume me. I know and will forever be grateful that for the last six months of his life he knew he was truly loved, but I feel robbed that I only got six short months.
I knew things were bad for Tim with a job he hated and the money issues we are all having these days. He had actually gone for help and was prescribed and anti-depressant. Seven days later he shot himself. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and have been on anti-depressants for the past couple of years, so he knew that there was something out there that could help him. But they didn’t work for him, and the guilt I have knowing that he was seeking help (which at the time I was happy about) because he knew it helped me. We didn’t even have a chance to seek and start counseling.
Suicide is not an unknown topic to me, my brother (Michael) choose to end his life with a bullet to his head seven years ago. I knew my brother was a lost soul in this world and I was there for him for years supporting, and encouraging him with his life. The last few months of his life I knew there was a real problem and I begged and pleaded with him to get help, but like most men they are stubborn about asking for help with mental/emotional issues.The irony I have to face is, if my brother had sought helped and medication he very well could be alive today and my husband did seek help and medication and the result was the same. A bullet to the head. WTF is that all about?
Also, Tim’s father choose to abuse alcohol (for many, many years) but the last year of his life was a 365 day binge, but it was a choice he made, even with all the help we had offered.
I can only imagine the “what if’s” you must be questioning since you never got to physically meet. But you have to believe that you did have a relationship with him, probably a closer relationship than most people, since it was truly from the heart and soul. My husband was a man of little words, he was not much of a talker, I wish Tim and I could have had some of the heart to heart conversations that it sounds like you and Mike had.The pain is too much for me to continue right now. The tears and snot are too much as well. (FYI…I like crude jokes to and metal music…if you’re not already a fan of Shinedown…I highly recommend them…The lyrics and video for “What a Shame” was my eulogy for Tim and “45” is the song that reminds me of my brother)
-
-
-
Susan thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry you've lost both your brother and your husband to suicide. I hope you're making sure to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe while you're going through this.
This is the first time I've felt grief and it is surprising how the pain just does not stop, it doesn't let up. I took a vacation right after I heard he'd passed, spent time with my family. Nothing felt real. And I didn't even really get a chance to talk to them about what happened to Mike... now I'm back to "reality", and every time I think of Mike the pain comes rushing back again just as hard as it did when I first heard what happened. It's not easy anyway because at first people were empathetic but after a short amount of time, honestly too short to reasonably believe you'll be "over it" those who have not lost someone stop understanding that the pain is still so fresh and wonder why you are still crying, or else because the death was suicide they are simply at a loss for words. So it's harder with time to find anyone to talk to, to get through the grieving process, which may take a long time and in truth it will always be a hurt to carry with you as long as you keep loving the person you lost. I feel like I'll carry the pain of Mike's death with me forever but I don't want to let it go, because he meant so much to me.
Please don't feel guilty for the choice that your husband made. I can't speak for him of course, but I've known many suicidal people and I've also been depressed my whole life too, I think that if your husband knew he was loved he would not want you to feel at fault. Because the truth is that we are all accountable for our own lives, and I have had to force myself to believe that we really do the best we can with what we have at any moment. It sounds like you truly loved Tim and wanted only the best for him of course. I wanted only the best for my friend. I know he went on as long as he could, and I have to accept that there's no way of knowing what "would have" happened if only... because we can never know exactly what is in someone else's heart. Even though the six months of closeness you had may have been very short, it was an immeasurable gift to Tim to be there for him, that he didn't have to be alone toward the end of his life. In my case I knew Mike cared for me and I knew he knew I cared, and we gave each other our best in trust and love, and that's all there every really is or was to hold on to. It makes me sad and comforts me at the same time to think that our bodies and lives and future are all sort of temporary or illusory. The only real thing we have is love, and we'll have that love for them forever. Please let this time be for forgiveness, for Tim and for yourself as well.
I do feel though like I've run out of wisdom to share. I used to think I knew something about life, but after losing the best friend I had I feel like I know almost nothing. Square one. Utter confusion. My hope was getting threadbare before but now I think I have to run on reserves, like when you stay up all night but you get that burst of energy to get you through the morning.
I hope you know you aren't alone in your pain and I'd like to extend my hand to you if you need someone to talk to.
PS Those songs made me teary eyed, but thank you for sharing, I liked them :)
-
Groups
-
Being the Other Woman/Ot…
45 members
-
Loss of a loved one to a…
3 members
-
Grief Counseling
141 members
-
Sibling Loss
10 members
-
Losing My Sister
5 members
-
Losing a Sister
94 members
-
Funeral Service
2 members
-
I miss my Mom!
751 members
-
LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITE…
15 members
-
Loss of a child In memor…
29 members
-
Too Young To Die
17 members
-
Multiple Losses Group
324 members
-
Zoom Grief Support
39 members
-
Orphaned Adults
80 members
-
Sole Survivors
15 members
Latest Activity
"is griefshare a website like this?"
"Kali
I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal.
Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
It was not supposed to be like this
In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
© 2024 Created by Ninja.
Powered by
