Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara Santoli on January 14, 2012 at 4:06pm

Dear Shannon,

You are trying to find a reason and that is something we will never understand. My husband died in front of me and I gave him CPR and could not save him. It was his time. I go over and over the day and think is there something else I could have done. Did I wait too long to call the ambulance? I don't think so but you just can't help think in that direction. You must not blame yourself, he took with him your friendship, which is a precious gift that we are lucky to have. I heard a quote recently that time does not heal the wounds we develop scar tissue and the pain is not so severe. I long for that day. Hold on and don't blame yourself.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Shannon Finley on January 14, 2012 at 4:20pm

Thank you Barbara. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in thinking like this. Everyone keeps saying that it'll get better, that one day it won't hurt anymore. I also recently read a quote that kind of sums up how I think we both feel. Tiffanie Debartolo said, "The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he's gone. And no matter what anyone says about grief, and time healing all wounds, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken." I don't know why, but I found this comforting. Maybe you will too.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Santoli on January 15, 2012 at 8:50am

Shannon

That quote is so true. The mornings seem to be the hardest for me. The reality hits me right in the face because he is not here. I do feel lucky that I had this wonderful person in my life for as long as I did and he left such a legacy to all who knew him. I just hope he knew how much he was loved. Only those of us who are going through this can truely understand the pain we feel. There is no timeline for grief. We own our grief and will get through it in our own time and in our own way. I think with the help of those going through it our journey will be a little easier. Much love to you

Permalink Reply by tonya\ on January 15, 2012 at 4:14pm

It's not your fault. He would have went to sleep either way. It's probably better you went home instead of being the one who found him

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on January 15, 2012 at 10:59pm

For what it's worth, it sounds like trying to gain a sense of having control in response to an unexpected, traumatic event.  I know I've wondered the same about my wife, who killed herself almost a year ago.  If I'd done something differently, would it have turned out differently?  The two things I've come to with that are that 1) Maybe it would've prevented it that time, but there's no guarantee she wouldn't have killed herself another day (maybe a day or week or month later), and 2) There's no way to stay with someone 24/7.  At some point, if they're going to go, they're going to go.  Whether it's intentional or accidental, it doesn't matter.  It's hard to accept that there's only so much we can do to try to keep the people we love with us, but it's the truth.  From what you described, there's no way to know that you would've picked up that anything was wrong if you were there.

Sorry if that sounds kind of rough or abrupt.  I've had similar thoughts, and coming up on the one-year anniversary of my wife's suicide has been making things kind of raw for me.  I'm glad you're at least willing to reach out and talk to people about these things.  Just letting them spin wild in your head doesn't do any good...as I've learned the hard way.