Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen on October 12, 2011 at 3:20pm

I know what you are saying. I send Steve many messages every day. I cant bring myself take his phone off the plan. It sits in a drawer powered off. When my friends and family ask me what I need I only have one response...Steve. I cannot tell you the way out of the darkness, because I am in my own. There are people here on this site who care, and will I believe assist us back to where we need to be.

Permalink Reply by Debra Border on October 12, 2011 at 7:22pm

Christine,  I know what you are saying.  I lost my husband without warning 3 years ago.  There are no words to describe the desolation.  I can only tell you my own experience.  My husband is still a part of my life, and always will be.  I still think of him, talk to him, get mad at him, feel grateful for him.  I know he did not leave me, just moved on to a place, (a higher level if you will) where it is harder to communicate in the ways we are accustomed to.  He has proven to me in so many ways that he is still around, still looking out for me, waiting for me to finish my work here and join him.  This I know for sure.   Death of the physical body is not the end of love.  You are in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 12, 2011 at 11:14pm

Christine, I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with that.  I lost my wife in February when she left, saying she was going to sort some things out.  Instead of her coming back with answers and some clarity, it was the police at my door saying she'd killed herself.  I go through the same feelings at times, just wanting nothing more than to have back the funny, compassionate, lovely woman I married and wanted to spend my life with.  The best I can say is that with time, the duration of it has eased off some when it hits.  It still hits, and hits hard at times, but it's also lessened.  I don't think there'll ever be a time that I don't miss her or love her, but I'm starting to get to see what other people have said, that things will change and move.  If writing him notes helps, keep doing it.  I know I've written several letters to Ariel, and I've talked to her at night, too.  I'm glad you found this site, and you've got the strength and courage to share what's going on and open up to others for help.  I hope that you can find as much support and encouragement and love here as I've been lucky enough to have come to me.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 6:41am

Thank you all for your responding to me. It feels comforting people understand. I feel like a broken record to my friends and family when I keep saying, "I want him back" and walking around like a zombie. Every little thing reminds me of him. Most people tell me it does ease with time, as you said Sean, and it has only been a little over 30 days now. I took a trip once for 6 weeks when we were together, so we have been apart a little bit longer than this one time, this makes the unreality of it even worse.

Debra, did you experience a loss of faith at first? I don't really subscribe to any religion, but before Steve died, I had a very strong sense of spirituality. I leaned I towards Buddhism. But the Religion doesn't matter, the spirituality does. I have lost all of that. I am stuck feeling as if he is nowhere, suddenly gone. When people say he is in my heart, I feel terrible for his soul, his essence, the wonderful humble, kind, compassionate soul he was, where is he? This haunts me, in my heart daily, this makes me cry, feeling he is just gone, he is nowhere except my memory except in my heart. That is sort of a sad place to be right about now.

Sean--- thanks for your kind words about me having strength and courage, because I feel so opposite from strong right now. I feel the weakest I have ever been. Everyone in my life has always said I was strong, I had inner strength relating to some other issues, but nothing can compare to this pain. I feel like this broke any of that from me. Maybe this is because it is still so raw. I am hoping, as you say, time will at least help me be and do all those things he loved me for and wanted for me.

Again, thank you guys...I am very grateful I found this site xoxox

Chrstine

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on October 13, 2011 at 11:52pm

I had just a couple thoughts to share that've helped me some.  One has to do with the difference between feeling strong and being strong.  I know that in the last 8 months I've certainly not felt strong.  Several people have commented either to or about me that they see me as strong.  I'm not sure that I see it, and I sure don't feel it, but enough's come from people who I respect that I can't just discount it.  I sometimes think that being strong means you can do a lot, maybe more than others think they can, but it doesn't mean it's easy.  A big weightlifter might be able to lift 500 pounds, but it'd still be a heck of a strain.

 

As for the loss of feeling spirituality and feeling stuck and nowhere, one other thing I was told helped me make sense of that.  When any of us go through a major change in life-circumstance, the brain essentially ends up re-wiring itself to adapt to the new circumstances.  While that's going on, it makes sense that we feel tired and drained and confused and kind of lost.  It makes sense that that process would affect us that way.  Maybe that's part of what's going on with you right now.  It seems like it'd be a pretty normal part of a very abnormal experience.  If so, it'll clear with time as the brain can adjust to what's changed.  I'd written out a description of what it's felt like to live in this for the Utah NAMI website.  I'd be happy to send the link to you if you'd like.

 

I hope that helps some.

Permalink Reply by Christine Sutton on October 16, 2011 at 12:36pm

Sean, yes please do. I am a real supporter of NAMI as I believe I mentioned Steve's life long battle with serious mental illness, and my life long career and advocacy for the rights of persons with a mental illness (illness of the brain). What you wrote above was extremely interesting and makes a lot of sense. So many things will help me "in the moment" and then in my so called "weak moments" I feel nothing will ever help, our love ran too deep to ever allow me to move forward on any level. I know Steve would never "want" me to be stuck. But I feel such a loss of hope and an extreme loss of faith, as you mentioned somewhere else, we both were not religious. We both felt strong about the energy of the universe being everlasting. It is hard for me to believe in anything now. I also experience people talking about my strength. The analogy about the weight lifter and the 5000 lbs (or 500 :)  helps a lot...it is not easy, feel s impossible. But I suppose we are still here. I am writing this now aren't I?? Thank you for the response.

Peace

Christine

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on November 6, 2011 at 7:41am

Dear Christine,

Your words make me cry, and my heart ache for you.  The Bible says at Romans 12:15-16, "Rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep. Be minded the same way toward others as to yourselves. . ."  We have all  learned that grief is highly individualized.  There are no miracle cares.  Jesus ‘wept with people who were weeping’ when his friend Lazarus died.—John 11:32-35.  Following Jesus’ example of showing empathy, we are sensitive to your pain and heartache.  As often as you need, my family and I will take the time to listen with a truly sympathetic ear. (1 Peter 1:22) . . ."love one another intensely from the heart."

Do you believe in God and the Bible?  If you do , I would like to show some comfort from the Bible that can help.

 

Sincerely,

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Barbara Santoli on November 2, 2011 at 9:23am

Dear Christine I am so sorry for your pain and I feel the wanting everyday since my husband died in front of me 3 months ago. I desparately want him back. I at times reach out for him, where he sat on the couch. I look towards our driveway and expect him to get out of the car. I have his cell phone and I really need to redo the service but I can't let go of his phone. I am not even angry but I feel cheated. I retired 3 months before and we were just starting a new life. I hadn't gotten used to being home after working 31 years and now I have another life that I did not want or ask for. As bad as these feelings are in a way its comforting to know I am not alone wanting him back. There are days I do not want to be strong and wish he had taken me with him. As I come up on the 3 month aniversary I seem to realize this is not a temporary situation it is all so real and I think I am starting to know he won't come back but it doesn't stop the wanting. I don't think the wanting will stop I just think it will become less painful.
We can only hope. My prayer is for all of us here to find our way and the pain to lessen.