I don't know how to go on without him.  I am so sad all of the time.  I lost the love of my life the Monday before Thanksgiving.  We were together for 11 years.  We were both married before and I met him when I was going through my divorce.  He was always there for me.  He loved me so much and I loved him.  We were not married, but we had so many plans for the future.  My daughters were younger when we met, and I needed to be there for them and always made them my first priority, and he understood that.  As they got older, we had much more time and started to plan our lives together.  We lived separately but since my youngest started college this year, we planned for when she finished - the house we would build together, where we would get married, how we would grow old together.  I always thought there was more time.

The last few years we were so lucky to go on so many trips and do so many things.  My daughters adored him too - he was like a father to them.  We are all heartbroken but no one really understands how devastated I truly am.

The weekend before he died, we were together on Saturday and had plans for Sunday, but, I wasn't feeling well.  I called him in the morning and told him I was going to stay home.  He told me to rest and he loved me and I needed 48 hours in bed to get better.  I talked to him later and he told me about his day.  I texted him at night and he didn't answer.  I was so sick, and feverish and just kept falling asleep.  When I woke up in the middle of the night I thought it was strange that he hadn't answered, but, didn't over-think it.  In the morning I texted him and he didn't answer. I called and he didn't answer and I started to worry.  He was suppose to go somewhere with his brother that morning.  His brother sent me a message and said "have you heard from Jim, he's not answering the door." I said now I'm really worried, and I rushed to his house.  When I got there the police were already there, and had broken the door.  He as found on the bathroom floor.  The autopsy said it was an aortic dissection. 

My life stopped that day.  I am heartbroken.  He was so full of life, and loved life more than anyone I know.  He didn't deserve this.  WE didn't deserve this.  I don't get it.  How can he just be gone?  I feel so guilty for not going there when he first didn't answer my text that night.  I feel like I should have known.  I was suppose to be with him that day, but I wasn't and he died alone.  

I don't think this will ever get any easier.  I use to think I was strong.  There was so much to look forward to in our lives.  Now it is just over.  I am just so, so sad.  All of the time.  Sad and lonely.  I miss him so much.

I had to go back to work the next week.  The holidays were so hard.  Life just goes on for other people.  I feel like I am in a fog all of the time.  Everything is gray.  People talk about the "New Year" and having new beginnings, moving on.  I can't move on.  I hate the prospect of the New Year.  In the old year I had him.  In the New year I have no one. 

Jennifer