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I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to go on without him. I am so sad all of the time. I lost the love of my life the Monday before Thanksgiving. We were together for 11 years. We were both married before and I met him when I was going through my divorce. He was always there for me. He loved me so much and I loved him. We were not married, but we had so many plans for the future. My daughters were younger when we met, and I needed to be there for them and always made them my first priority, and he understood that. As they got older, we had much more time and started to plan our lives together. We lived separately but since my youngest started college this year, we planned for when she finished - the house we would build together, where we would get married, how we would grow old together. I always thought there was more time.
The last few years we were so lucky to go on so many trips and do so many things. My daughters adored him too - he was like a father to them. We are all heartbroken but no one really understands how devastated I truly am.
The weekend before he died, we were together on Saturday and had plans for Sunday, but, I wasn't feeling well. I called him in the morning and told him I was going to stay home. He told me to rest and he loved me and I needed 48 hours in bed to get better. I talked to him later and he told me about his day. I texted him at night and he didn't answer. I was so sick, and feverish and just kept falling asleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night I thought it was strange that he hadn't answered, but, didn't over-think it. In the morning I texted him and he didn't answer. I called and he didn't answer and I started to worry. He was suppose to go somewhere with his brother that morning. His brother sent me a message and said "have you heard from Jim, he's not answering the door." I said now I'm really worried, and I rushed to his house. When I got there the police were already there, and had broken the door. He as found on the bathroom floor. The autopsy said it was an aortic dissection.
My life stopped that day. I am heartbroken. He was so full of life, and loved life more than anyone I know. He didn't deserve this. WE didn't deserve this. I don't get it. How can he just be gone? I feel so guilty for not going there when he first didn't answer my text that night. I feel like I should have known. I was suppose to be with him that day, but I wasn't and he died alone.
I don't think this will ever get any easier. I use to think I was strong. There was so much to look forward to in our lives. Now it is just over. I am just so, so sad. All of the time. Sad and lonely. I miss him so much.
I had to go back to work the next week. The holidays were so hard. Life just goes on for other people. I feel like I am in a fog all of the time. Everything is gray. People talk about the "New Year" and having new beginnings, moving on. I can't move on. I hate the prospect of the New Year. In the old year I had him. In the New year I have no one.
Jennifer
Views: 362
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rinky on
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Oh dear Jennifer. I'm so very sorry. Your loss sounds so very difficult. While I will never tell another person experiencing loss that I know how they feel, but I can relate in that I lost my husband/partner in August suddenly and tragically. After 4 months of holding it somewhat together, I lost it over the holidays and had a mental collapse. All I know to say is seek out help - I am in counseling, attending Al-anon meetings when possible, and leaning on friends. I feel completely devastated and so sorry you are feeling that too. Please know you do not walk alone in your pain.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on
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I am sorry for your loss, also. I have looked some for a support group in my area, but haven't found one. I may look into some grief counseling. It helps to know, that I am not alone and people understand the pain.
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Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on
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I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to how difficult the holidays were. I lost my wife unexpecetedly on August 8, 2014 and things have not been same since then. I went through her birthday, our anniversary, thanksgiving, Christmas and new years without her and it hurt so profoundly. I do not know how I got through the first dark month, but I want you to know that there is light at the end of this dark place. I was lucky to have a good support system of friends and family, and being a funeral director in real life, I knew that I should not isolate myself. Grief therapy helpd a lot as well. Please know that you are not alone and that folks like me are here to help you out in any way we can.
Even though I can relate to your situation, given my own recent loss, I truly have no idea how your loss must make you feel right now. -
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oh dear Steve. I lost my partner on that same day. Memories are everywhere. So sorry for your loss as well.
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Thanks Steve. I am sorry for your loss, also. I am glad you had a good support system. I have found that the people around me - and I have a small circle - seem to think that I should move on quickly. They just really don't understand how hard it is just to get out of bed every day. And, by the time I am done work, I am just physically and emotionally exhausted.
I really appreciate your thoughts.
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I can fully understand how you feel. I lost my husband on 26 February 2014,unexpectedly. I was sick the night before he died. He was still working a part-time job and did not have any health problems. He was 72 when he died and I was 63. We had been married for almost 38 years (May 2014) would have made 38. I have a strong church fellowship and I have gone to grief therapy meetings,which has helped. It is a loss that only time can heal. My 2 daughters do not live close to me at all. Although, I have siblings close by. I had mega decisions that had to be made almost immediately. Luckily, I was able to do this. I pretty much have tried to keep life the same,as when he was here. Even though it has been almost a year, the holidays were really hard for me. However,I do know that my husband would want me to continue on with my life and I feel that as long as I keep his memory alive, He will always be here. The cause of his death was myocardial infraction,he just went to bed and died.
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Joanne, I am sorry for your loss. My Jim was just 55 years old, and also didn't have any health problems. This is all still such a shock. I am glad your church fellowship and grief therapy has helped you. I think I may look into some sort of grief counseling, also. I just want him back. And, I feel like the only person that I want to talk to about how I feel is him, and he is gone.
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Yes, it was quite a shock for me. Especially when he was my entire life, there are times when all I want to do is see him and talk with him. And there are times, when I feel like if I think about something long enough (in my mind) that we are having live conversations. I don't know what that is all about. The only thing I do know is at the age of 63, I woke up to find him gone and that I was on my own. I had been married to him almost all of my life (38 years). Although I have kept active, in my home crocheting for many people in need. I have to get out more and do more things with other people. I am a veteran, so I will connect actively with military organizations I belong to. I have to try to live my life the way he would want me to. I also attend all the grief and support roups in the area I live,it helps.
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Joanne sorry for your loss. My wife was 36 and passed in her sleep sometime after I left forwork the morning of August 8, 2014. It appears that she slipped away while asleep much like your husband. It was both a blessing and a curse that I happen to be a funeral director. I did have the honor and privilege of personally handling my wife's arrangements, however I feel that this and my professional side interefered with my grief process. Therapy has been extraordinarily helpful.
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Permalink Reply by Linton on
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Jennifer....I refuse to say the words that I hate hearing most.."I know how you must feel". Fact is..I only know how I feel, but I hurt for you as I was reading your post.
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Thank you. I'm sorry that we all have this common denominator. The hurt is unbearable. They say it gets easier - but, it seems to only get worse. I am sorry for your loss.
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Jennifer, folks say a lot of stuff and though they mean well most have no clue what they are talking about. Perhaps time does heal all wounds, but for me I suspect that over time you become accustomed to living with the chronic pain from the wounds that will never heal.
Speaking only for myself, last sunday was the sixth month mark for me. I still have bad days mixed in with better days. I cannot say that I ever stop missing my wife or thinking about her, but I have come to a place where I am not absolutely debiliated by loneliness and pain. So for me I can say that it has become a bit easier to deal with over time, or maybe I have just gotten a little more used to it.
You know I suspect that if you amputated both of my legs I would eventually get used to that too- but similarly my life would never be the same. And I don't think a day would go by that I would not remember what life was like before the amputation.
-Steve Suehiro
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