Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ruth on August 6, 2011 at 10:52am

Dear Amanda,

 

Welcome to our group.  You will find the support you seek here.  Keep coming back and ((((hugs)))) in the meantime. Ruth

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on August 7, 2011 at 8:59pm

Thanks for replying to me. Amy, you are one of the many females I was hoping to meet. You have gone through this grief for quite some time now. How have you done this all this time??? And i know it continues to hurt. But what was it that kept you going forward? Because I myself feel that I sometimes take one step forward and two steps back.  How were you able to move on for these past years? Since my husband past away in april, I just recently returned back to work. I did not want to because I felt as if I was still not mentally ready, but I did not have other choice. Bills were pilling up and my son needs financial support. There is just so many stress, agony and sadness that I carry with me. And after a long day at work, as I am driving back home, I feel as if I dont have anything to look forward to. Although, I should because I have our son, but it just so hard not to have my husband at home anymore. I close my eyes and see him that I cannot accept that he is gone and that he was taken away from us by this evil and coward person, who is out there and enjoying freedom. It is so frustrating. That I feel that I dont know how long I am going to be able to keep this together.

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on August 8, 2011 at 10:08pm

Hello, Amy. Your words are inspirational to me at this time. You give me hope that "I can do this" and keep on going forward. Since returning back to work, just earlier this month, I do find myself a lot more busy. And, maybe with less time to feel alone and think so much. However, I do feel bad, like I said. Before, after coming home after a long hard day at work, I could relax, enjoy our evenings together as a "family". He was so sweet and caring to me. I would wait every night for him to come home and welcomed him with a big hug and a kiss. Now, my nights are long and lonely. I no longer have that love affection from my one and only. I feel very very empty. My son, who, I am not kidding when I say this, looks sooooo muuuuuch like his daddy. Its amazing on how much similiraties they have, not just physically but his sweetness and carisma to others. I know this suppose to make me feel better, but i makes me feel really, really sad. Every time I see my son it breaks my heart to know that, his daddy whom loved him so much, is no longer here with him. It hurts real bad. He too, will suffer along the way. And i can tell you this, my husband and I suffered two (2) miscarriages prior to having our son. After the two miscarriages, I had trouble conceiving. After trying and trying, we finally had our baby son. We were so happy for the years to come and share together as a family. That hurts a lot to know that after we were through so much trying to have a family, now it was taken from us.  Again, thanks for reading.

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on August 9, 2011 at 10:45pm

Thank you for the video, And yes, it did made me cry. As any other song, I hear on the radio that remind me of my husband. I had a tough day today. My son is hitting the terrible 2"s and is non stop. I feel so bad because of my lack of attention to him. It hurts a lot. How I wish he could be here and help out too, with our son. I bet he would be after him all evening. I still have in my mind that april 28, 2011 evening before he was killed, we were in our living room, playing hide and seak with our son. So, memorable and funny. Our soon was so happy. Then there was a moment, where I just sat on the carpet and my husband laydown right next to me. And i kissed him, and I remembere my son running towards us and hugging both of us. That was the last time we were all together. Thank you for reading and replying Amy. I have just been in here for a week and have found amazing people just like you.

Permalink Reply by Christine Parish on August 22, 2011 at 1:15am

Hi Amanda my name is Christine first of all I wanted to say how terribly sorry I am. I lost my fiancee on June the 2nd of this year. He too was shot and killed. He was shot and killed by a police officer. He had a warrant out for his arresst. Officers went to serve him with the warrant on the 2nd of June and he pulled a knife out on them a 3 inch pocket knife and they shot hiw twice in the chest killing him.

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on August 22, 2011 at 11:41am

Hello, Christine, So sorry for the loss of your fiance. And so terrible that we are on the same page.  I know that there is not much words that can help us take away our pain but know that we are here  to help each other out and share our same feelings. It is like we are living a nightmare daily. I just cant believe how many injustices there are and for someone to take away someone elses life just like that and in your fiance's case, for officers to somehow take advantage of their authority. It is just so unfair. About 2 years ago,  I lost a friend of mine from childhood who was also shot and killed by a police officer, just for running away, no weapon found, no nothing. Unfortunately, my city where I live, you see all of these type of situations all the time.

 

In my husband's case, the suspect was a total stranger, who remains at large. It is a daily struggle to go by now that he is no longer here with me. And you feel even worse to know that its because of another person, who caused all of this pain. It will soon be 4 months since my husband passed away, I still have in my mind that he will soon walk through that door and we will make up for time missed. Dont know for how long I will keep on holding to these toughts.

 

Thanks for reading, and hope to hear back from you.