Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 22, 2012 at 12:16am

David I struggled with this one big time.  At first I couldnt go in our closet with all his cloths there because it was just too hard to face the cloths and know he would never need them again.  At the same time I knew I was no where near ready to get rid of them.  The solution I came up with was to carefully fold everything and put it in his dresser.  It was a pressure fit, but they did all fit.  They stayed there until a very short while ago when I finally was able to let some of it go.  I passed things that I knew would fit certain people on to them after first asking if they would use them.  I took all his shirts and put them in a container to use to make quilts for the grandchildren one day.  Some things needed tossing, some things I want to keep, some things are still in the dresser waiting for me to decide what to do with them.

From the very beginning I gave myself permission to take my time with everything.  Tom made me promise to not make any big decisions the first year.  I have kept that promise and I know now I am making the decisions with a clear head they will be the right decisions.  Having made that promise it was easier to let the littler stuff wait as well.  Someone on here posted that in a moment of panic she got rid of all her loved ones things and has lived to regret that decision. 

David dont do it until you are ready, and when you are ready the answer to what to do with her cloths will be an easier one.

Permalink Reply by Debbie S on August 22, 2012 at 12:35am

David, my husband passed away March 7th. i have not been able to even move any of his things. People tell me I need to to be able to move on but I can't. I want to tell them when they walk in my shoes then they can tell me what they did.

Permalink Reply by Sandie Eader on August 22, 2012 at 11:46am

So sorry to hear of your loss, David. It was only in May of this year, just a few months ago that your wife passed. I agree that you should take your time. I got rid of some of my husband's shirts and did not remember until I went to the closet to move them and they were gone! So much of the first year is a fog!! Take your time. Move only the items that you are comfortable with moving or to make space for other things. I bagged up all the socks and underwear and moved the dresser but the bags were only dealt with last week. My husband passed away suddenly last October and as we are nearing the one year mark, I have felt I had to go through things but it is still very hard to let things go. The clothes he had on that day are in a plastic bag (they smell like him and give me comfort). Often, people feel "funny" or 'weird" taking clothes that were worn by the deceased. It's important to ask first. Goodwill will take everything but be certain that's where you want to send your wife's precious things as once clothes go there, you will never see them again.

 

Permalink Reply by Michelle W on August 22, 2012 at 11:18pm

David,
I lost my seventeen year old son On November 26 2011 and I can't imagine getting rid of many thing.. Every once in awhile I may throw away something like a wrapper they may have been in his room.. But all in all I may never be ready.., his room is just as he left except for the laundry I did that is folded on his bed all the cards and picture I keep in his room so I don't feel the constant pain of seeing them.. Oh and his truck in the garage..I now have No strength to say good bye to him.. Most people say a year but it still feels like yesterday.,

Permalink Reply by JL on August 23, 2012 at 2:55pm

Hi David,

First I want to say sorry for ur loss. I know how difficult it is for u. I lost my husband on June 12, 2012 and we were really very close. After the 40 days, i gave some of the clothes to one of my brothers because I kn ow I would always see them again. I still have some in a bag to give to my other brothers. I kept all his books .  I placed a few items of clothing  and other little things in a suitcase which I plan to keep. I also kept a few shirts in my drawer, which I plan to wear to bed sometimes. Last week a girlfriend told me to get rid of everything because she thinks I am torturing myself. Take ur time and u decide what u want to keep and what u want to give away.

Jean

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 23, 2012 at 4:22pm

i still hav my dads shoes under the stirs and sum of his cloths coz i no if we keep thm thy r still with us ther smell and evry thnk is still ther 

Permalink Reply by anne on August 24, 2012 at 6:18pm

You will know in your heart when it's the right time and what to keep and what to let go of. Just this summer I coould finally face going through my sons belongings and footlocker from Iraq. It's been almost 5yrs now since he was killed. Others were getting on me about doing this for a long time but I knew I had to wait until I was ready. Well that day came in June, and I did it and I cried and I suffered a bit, but I knew in my heart it was the right time to get on this project. I'm very relieved it's done. Going through your loved ones belongings is a big step and you should allow yourself as much time as you need to take it.

Permalink Reply by Audra Ferguson on August 29, 2012 at 9:26pm

I am so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend died suddenly in May as well. I had the same question as you. Part of me didn't want to touch or move anything. Another part wanted it all gone. I packed up little by little into plastic storage tubs. But I haven't moved the bins yet. I get into the tubs now and then and I will pull out a shirt to wear. But I am not getting rid of anything until I am ready. You take your time.

Permalink Reply by Nicole Lowe-Peterson on September 2, 2012 at 10:58pm

Hi David,

I lost my Dad very suddenly on Aug 13th. I live in UT, he lives in FL. I brought back all of his clothes that had meaning to me (which was a lot)so I could make two quilts one for me and one for my brother. I don't feel like I could get rid of them and didn't want them to sit in a closet so I'm excited to make the quilt and have him with me every night. :)

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on September 7, 2012 at 9:53am

When my father in law passed away he and my mother in law lived in an assisted living facility.(which now I don't think was much assistance at all)  My brother in law that passed away day before yesterday, took mom to live with him and his wife in Florida. This was wonderful for mom, she is far better today than she was when dad passed. She is 90 years old and has Alzheimer, but because of my brother in law she now walks and remembers family members names etc. But when dad's things were abruptly gone through, my husband was at work and he only has the things that dad had given him before his death. I guess what I am suggesting is maybe when the time is right for you to go through your loved ones things consider if there is someone that would want to keep an item because of their love for the person. - just saying, something to consider. . .  

I sure love the quilt idea Anna, maybe you could do that for others.  Good things can come from bad.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

(Philippians 4:13) "For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."

Permalink Reply by anna l. on September 7, 2012 at 11:06am

Brenda I have been involved with making memory quilts before and it was easier to do for someone else than for myself but one day I will be able to cut up his things with more smiles of memories than tears of grief.  Until then I know the cloths are safe in the containers.  I plan on mixing some pictures on fabric of their Papa in with the clothing fabric to make the quilts that much more meaningful for our grandchildren.