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Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on April 18, 2015 at 7:39am

First of all, I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I know how completely devastating it is to lose someone in a fire.  My brother died in a fire four years ago and we are still deeply saddened by his death.  His bedroom was by the back door and all he had to do was run out of his bedroom and out the back door, but our cousin was asleep on the couch and my brother ran into the heart of the fire to save him.  He did save our cousin's life, but unfortunately he lost his life doing it. We are so proud of him for being so brave, but utterly devastated that he died. 

I was tormented by images of his last moments of life and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get them out of my head.  I did go to the scene of the fire down in Texas and seeing the complete destruction of the fire was both heart wrenching and healing if that makes sense.  It tore my heart apart to see where he lost his life, but I needed to do that because otherwise, as horrible as it was, my mind would have created images even worse. I don't know why we do that to ourselves, but for me, not knowing is worse than seeing what happened, no matter how awful it may be.  I couldn't sleep either. I would toss and turn for hours and if I did finally fall asleep I would jump up out of a dead sleep tormented by him fighting his way in the fire.  But I talked to several firefighters.  I told them I couldn't get the image of my brother burning alive out of my head and they all said the same thing. When someone dies in a fire, they are overcome by the smoke very quickly and usually die from smoke inhalation and not by burning to death. (I am not saying this as an expert, I am only repeating what I was told). Maybe talking to someone in your local fire department might help you.  Even though it is still a very hard thing to deal with, knowing that they didn't suffer the way our minds torment us may help you in your healing.

We have been dealing with our grief for four years and I don't believe this is something that we will ever completely get over, but the most healing thing for me is that it is over.  My brother is not suffering and he died quickly.  The images in my mind are what kept the torment going.  Over time, I was able to let go of those awful images and whenever they did come up, I would make myself think of a time that was happy or funny that we shared together.  He is at peace and so are your family members.  My heart goes out to all of you and the children for the loss of their parents.  It is good that you have a close family so you can all help each other through your grief.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you.

Permalink Reply by Michele on April 19, 2015 at 6:15am

Thank you so much for your reply. I am planning a trip up there probably next late next week. I just feel in my heart that I just have to do it. It is so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I spoke with her that night at 10 pm and she was gone at 12 am. There are so many unanswered questions still as to how the fire started. They are saying electrical at the front part of cabin. My husband and brother feel a sense of anger and of course heartbreaking loss. This was a tiny one room cabin and the people they bought from had installed security bars on the only front door and all of the windows. My brother and his wife would never go there for that reason no escape if something were to happen. On the flip side me and my husband went up there about as often as my sister. We have so often wondered why they never took the bars off and our last trip there 2 months ago we played and bed and wondered what we would do if there was a fire. So we know this tragedy could very easily have been us. I have not thought of speaking with a local firefighter that does seem like it could ease my mind a bit. I try so hard to have something good on my mind at bedtime but again last night the images just flood my mind and my chest tightens almost to a point i can't breathe. I am actively search for a local support group. I've lost people I've dearly loved before my grandfather 3 years ago and my grandmother last year and now my sister / brother-n-law the pain is far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I know it will still take more time and I feel for your loss of your brother I would not wish this pain on anybody.