Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on June 15, 2010 at 4:00am

I know what you are saying. Almost nine months and it feels like a dream.
Everyone treats you like you are supposed to be over it.
Fridays are my worst day.
I have a friend who texts every Friday saying thank God it is Friday . She is getting bored with my lack of enthusiasm for a weekend alone.

The hard thing is that we couldn't have saved them.

And that is the best part of being here, you don't get over it.

And the dogs are barging in as I write!!!

Some days and nights the only thing that keeps me going is that I can choose to not be here and be with him again. And don't tell me you have not imagined the same thing!

However, I have a brisk wind, a slither of a moon, with one bright star hugging it, and dogs not happy with the description and cyberspace. They want to move in real life.

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 15, 2010 at 12:15pm

Hi Toni:

I am so sorry for your loss. Actually I am widowed twice. I was married for 2 yrs.& 1/2. He had an accident at work. The first time I tried to take some more of the medication that was prescribed for me thinking I could be with him. His friend had called me up , heard that this is what I was planning to do. He told me you wouldn't be with him cause you'd be taking a life, yours. What would your kids do. They were 15 months & 4 months at the time. Eventually I made a life for myself. Met Joe, had another child, Only to lose him also. We were married for 27 yrs. Then a job. A lot has happened in a short time. I was okay for a while last night I was trying to figure out what I was going to have to eat. I said out loud I should be cooking for you Joe, you shouldn't be dead! Then I cried. today I feel depressed. When I talk to my daughter I really don't think she understands. She is 23, when I say I had a bad week or a bad day, she says sarcastically what do you mean you had a bad day. You can't let this rule you!. To be honest that hurt me. Everyone seems to have moved on likew nothing happened even his family. My cat still waits for him to come home. When he hears a car door he jumps up at the window then waits by the door. Animals are very smart. My cat is my comfort.

Permalink Reply by mary black on June 16, 2010 at 11:58am

Anita,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister was basically murdered by an incompetent surgeon and passed Mar 14th 2010. She went into the hospital for a very simple outpatient surgical procedure and the surgeon severed an artery and she bled out so much it killed her liver. She did have a transplant, but died 12 days later from complications.
This week has been pretty bad emotionally. As far as "being over it" goes. We all are entitled to our own grief process. No one can tell us how to grieve. I'm so sorry your daughter hurt your feelings.

It seems that our minds have this very unique setup of softing the blow. Some call it the denial stage of grieving, I like to call it my security blanket. I think I have been given small doses of grief here and there in order to cope. If my security blanket were ripped off all at once, I would die from exposure. That's why they call it a grief process I guess.

About 2 weeks after my sister passed, my husbands brother was found dead from an over dose of drugs. It appears that his family is also acting like they are over it?? It was the weirdest services I have ever been to, no one cried? So, my husband seems to be not grieving the way I'm grieving. He's only talks about it when I ask him things. I really don't get that either. But I guess they are entitled to there own grief process.

hugs and blessings

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 15, 2010 at 12:23pm

Hi Amy:
I want to ask you how you are doing but I know to well. I am depressed today. I dream of Joe almost all the time. I constantly see him laying there on the floor. If my cat could talk he could tell me what happened that day. There are days that I feel like I am going backwards. This may sound really strange but I really hate this weather. Everyone outside laughing, having a good time. I really wish it was the winter again. Saturday I usually spend it with Joe's sister. I come home always depressed. She goes home to her perfect life & I start crying driving home & it continues all day Sunday. Sundays are the absolute worst for me. The thing that hurts me the most is that this did not have to happen I would have taken care or him. I always did & always would of. I just hope that he found the peace that he so desperately wanted.

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 16, 2010 at 12:17pm

Hi Mary:

I am so so sorry for your loss. My God & your husband's brother. I know what you mean about grieving in different ways. My mother-in-law calls me time to time to see how I am doing. Most of the time I tell her the truth, I am not doing so well. Sundays are the worst for me. She said you know I really think you need to talkto someone. My God it it will only be 8 months. Also 2 months after My husband passed , I lost my job after17 yrs. Corporate took over & rescaled everything. Am still looking for work, no luck. A lot of financial issues facing me. How am I supposed to feel? I am so glad that a friend of mine had given me this website. It does seem to help. There were times when I felt maybe there is something wrong with me when I know there isn't. This is the 2nd time I am widowed. I lost my lst husband when I was 24, with 2 babies. I met Joe, had a child together only to lose him too.The shame of it is this did not have to happen,. He always neglected his health. . You may be right. maybe this is the way my daughter is dealing with this by denial.
A Big Hug
Anita

Permalink Reply by mary black on June 16, 2010 at 2:23pm

Anita,

I remember when I was little one of my Folks sayings was when it "rains it pours". Not understanding it as a child, but yes, right now in my life and it sounds like your's too with losing your husband and losing your job a while after. It's pouring in both our lives and I suppose many others.

I am also healing from having my bladder and urethra removed. I was really sick and my 7 day stay turned into 6 1/2 wks. I guess there was a brief time when my sister would talk just a bit. I missed it all. Sometimes I feel guilty that I wasn't able to be there. I only got to be with her a few hours before we turned the ventilator off. I believe that she really died the day before. She started bleeding in her brain and there was no brain activity. The only way she was breathing was by a machine. I only mention my surgery because, sometimes I wonder if I feel exhausted still from that or if it's grief? Maybe a little of both. And I feel like she never got to see me in my "new" body. She was aactually going to take time off to come and help me recoup.........I miss her so and it all just seems so senseless. I just want to know "why?" I also was in the hospital still when she went into surgery. She called me a fw days before and told me she was having surgery in a few days. When she told me where she was going(to a local hospital) I begged her not to go there. She said" oh it's not a big deal, I'll be alright". That was my last conversation with her. The last time I saw her was while I was in the hospital and I was so out of it that I don't remember much! I just wish things were different.

Thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for your compounded loss!
many hugs and blessings

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on June 17, 2010 at 2:42am

Anita,

There is so much you do not say about yourself! Well, actually you do. You had an operation that has changed your life along side of a loss that has also changed your life.

I wonder who is looking after you now.

Life is strange, unexpected and what we never thought we would ever have to live with, we do, ready or not.

Anita, you did not compound the grief, you just made me feel better that you chose to trust us.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but there is a collective strength here that has made me get through more days than I thought possible.

I hope that for all that you lot give to me that I help you get throught the days, and nights, as well.

It is strange talking to people that you may not ever meet, but say all the things that travel with you every minute and second of the day. It is such a relief to talk to people who understand the language of loss, regret, anger, yearning, and having the power to re write history.

You all feel like angels. XXXX

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 17, 2010 at 12:26pm

Hi Mary:
My Father's favorite saying is when it rains it pours. I too underwent a total hysterectomy in 1998. At that time My Aunt was dying from cancer. Was not able to go there & see her. I remember feeling so so bad over this. The night of her viewing I talked to my cousin which is her daughter-in law. I told her how I felt, she told me Aunt Mary knew, you have nothing to feel bad over. That made me feel so much better. I could not attend the funeral becuase I was still recovering. The sad thing is this did not have to happen to my husband The accident he had in 2008 was the end of him. But he didn't complain. Always was fine. Was so depressed didn;'t care not even about his health which finally caught up with him. Fought with him to go to the Dr. Even the Dr. said after his death, that she never met anyone who refused treatment. He didn't have health insurance, I was going to put everything on my credit card , I didn't care. I always would have taken care of him, I always did & always would. I dream of him constantly, We argued constantly over his health. I feel guilty over this. The sadness is just incredible. It really helps talking. I remember when I still had my job, someone who I thought was my friend said to another co worker that "I needed to get over it & get my act together". It was not even 1 month. That really hurt, she is no longer working there neither but I constantly think of that . What did she think I lost? It is so comforting to know that on this site no one will tell you you need to get over it, or you have depressed for 7 months now. The strange part is that came from his family.
t . We are on this site for each other.
My thoughts are with you.
Thanks for listening
A geat big hug
Anita

Permalink Reply by mary black on June 18, 2010 at 12:49pm

Anita,

The arguments you and your husband had were of love and concern for your his well being. I believe that deep down he knew that. It seems that there was just nothing that you could of said or did would of changed anything. He refused treatment and there was nothing you could do, no matter how much you wanted to. The decison was his to make. He sounded very stubborn. And once he made his mind up nothing was going to change that? He sounds so much like my Dad. The week before my Dad died, my brother stopped in at his house and he was sick. He refused to go to the hospital. My brother told him that if he didn't get ready and go out to his car, he would carry him out. He knew my brother was just as stubborn I guess and gave up the fight.

Those people who seem to leave us when we need them the most are just selfish and self-centered. I had been sick for almost 6 yrs before I had my bladder removed and let me tell you I lost many friends and it got back to me that my MIL said that I wasn't sick I was just lazy! Those who really new me, knew better than that.

Thank you for your support. Sending many hugs and blessings,

Mary

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 18, 2010 at 1:18pm

Hi Mary I don't know if we will ever meet, but I'd like to be your friend. thank you for the kind words. My husband was very stubborn.I remember a long time ago it was our grandaughter's birthday party. He said he his back really hurt, the top part. He said he couldn't digest. I said I am going to call an ambulance. he said if you do I will send them away. I really wonder back then if something was starting. When I cry I am always telling him how sorry I am.
The fighting to get him to the DR when he had is reocurring upper respiratory infections. The people that make comments, we just have to leave them by the wayside, even when we want to lash out at them, it is not worth it.
My daughter & I so hoped that my husband's stone would have been in by Father's day. But nothing I can do about it. Just trying to leave everything in the Lord's hands.
Hugs,& thoughts
Anita

Permalink Reply by mary black on June 18, 2010 at 1:53pm

Anita,

Yes, I would love to be your friend. Yes, you are right about just leaving the people who make carppy comments by the way side. The ones I do have to be around, my MIL (but I usually find some excuse not to) I look at her and imagine a neon "SICK" across her forhead. Because mentally she is a very sick women and mean and cruel.

Well, I will be talking to you again soon, my friend.

hugs and blessings

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 28, 2010 at 6:52pm

Hi Mary

I was reading some comments cause I have been in a bad way since Saturday. I stopped at the cemetery Saturday evening, the gates were still open I saw the foundation was finally complete for my husban d's stone to be installed. I was so excited becuase finally there will something with his name on it It was ordered in Dec. 2009. My daughter kept asking me when it would be in. Hoping it would have been in for Father's day but it wasn't. When I saw this I called her, she was at work on a break. I did not expect her to answer the phone I was going to leave a message like she tells me to do.. I really thought she would have wanted to know. She said that's not vital information but thanks for telling me. When I told his sister I got oh, good. The tones are what floored me. I don't know, maybe I expect too much from people . My God this is family. You know a friend of mine told me on Saturday evening that I need to worry about me. Because no one else is. .I really expected a much better response, concerning the foundation being done that I cried all that night to the point that I couldn't catch my breath. That really hurt me. When I think of that I still want to cry.I don't know if I am making too much of this but I cannot forget and; move on like other people including family has seemed to do. 8 months since Joe passed it is still to fresh for me. I was reading some of the comments I responded again to yours. I hope you don't mind. I'd like to ask how you are doing.

Hugs, Anita

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