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Comment by Marcia Henne on August 10, 2011 at 3:31pm

I'm glad to find a group for all losses. I lost my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. I feel like a widow but technically I'm not.It's been so hard. I also lost a friend who was murdered 9 months ago. It's been really tough for me and reaching out and reading others stories keeps me going. I don't feel so alone knowing there are many of us out there.

Comment by Linda Gutierrez on June 6, 2011 at 1:01pm

as you see from my updates, i moved back home to momma. was really going down the tubes there. lost the house and moved everything into storage. just brought my bedroom things for now. supose to be 'trying to get it together' my thought, but, not doing so good with that.i just can't get it together, and now i'm not even trying. What for? i miss him so much! my daughter and grandkids that were living with me are now staying with friends till we can get then out here. i've had those kids for ten years, and now i don't have that part of my little family either.its just a bitch all the way around. there is no running away.

 

Comment by roxydee on March 24, 2011 at 7:22pm

Linda, I had to give myself permission to be like a dog and go in the corner and lick my own wounds. I still retreat in the corner. Grief is like storms. Every time one hits you think you're gonna die. And then like the storm that ends in real life, the sun bursts out and maybe its just that when you when cry you use all of your body. It shakes every part of it, you feel like you're scooping out your guts and you think maybe , there, i got a bunch of that yuck out this time. I think of that Lisa Lisa and the cult Jam song "All Cried Out" - that bitch didn't know nothing about crying yourself out. LOL There seems to be a bottomless well of tears.

But after each time you weep, you do feel better. Before Jason died, i rarely wept. Now I'm the All State Champ of Tears. In fact another "benefit" of his death was that now I know how i really feel at any given moment of the day. Becuz in the early days, it was almost like a Temperature Check. You know when you press tthe back of your hand against a forehead to see if you have a fever - well I learned how to do Sanity Check. When I'm wailing and crying and gnashing my teeth, that sanity seems really slippery. I never knew pain could hurt fuckign much but yeah baby, it pales everything else I thought pain was. Childbirth pain? Shit, that stuff is a cake walk. I even think back to the mickey mouse weeping i did when my son's father walked out. or when I lost a beloved boyfriend becuz our life path journeys diverged (he wanted out, i wanted wedding bells) - all those experiences though they shaped me - those hurts were like grade school versus graduate college coursework.  Grief sorta reveals who you truly are and it also makes you learn what you are made of.  Warriors are we -

 

Now, Jay, i'm not saying that your pain isn't strong. I never say that one person's pain is greater or lesser. Pain is fucking pain. Missing someone who isn't in your life sucks royally - someone scooting down the highway saying Later Days, is a kick in the rubber parts thru and thru. Loss is loss. Loss of a spouse, lover, pooch, bird, best friend = mondo pain grief and takes time to get thru. You have my utmost sympathies big time. I heard this line from a movie the other day - one of those omg the heroine has some bad disease and the love story is gonna end tragically type movies - but the line was pure truth : love stories only end in 2 ways - the Guy loses the girl, or the Girl loses the guy.  Either way, when you love, what makes it special is that it will end. Someone is gonna be left alone.

 

Oddly enough, that makes utter sense. I hate the logic of it. But that bottom line is, don't fear that it will end, get in the game and still love. that's some truth for down the line, but it comforted me oddly enough.Big hugs to you all, and may love (remembered or yet to be experienced or the love attempts from the other loved ones now in your life, and not to mention loving yourself) help carry some of the load.

Comment by Linda Gutierrez on March 24, 2011 at 6:37pm

Hi Roxydee, damn ~! all i have to do is read what you write and feel like i said and thought all that! i just feel so stuck in limbo. I'm thinking i will do better at my mom's. They live out in the country and go to a small church in the middle of nowhere. I want in NOWHERE land. i want back in Fogville again, to be numb and not give a shit one way or another. I've been to hospice grieving shit, but it did'nt help me much.biggest help has been my daughter and grandkids that live with me. like you said, a reason to get up.and another thing that pisses me off- my mate Chose to leave me ,in a way. He never stopped drinking and I'm the one going thru hell! He is'nt. he never did. He left everything up to me, while he drank and had a good time, i was watching our time together tick away.and he has no worries or cares now. just like always, i'm left holding the bag. hugs to youalso linda

Comment by roxydee on March 24, 2011 at 6:08pm

Hey Linda, big hugs to you sweetheart. That is EXACTLY how i felt . only my fog lasted a full year. I had six months more of straight up fog, then the year anniversary of his death passed, and it was like it lifted and then crushing sorrow and depression started.  Whereas before the fog was almost like a tenderloving care state pure numbness. When the fog lifted i was like wishing i could retrieve that numbness again because then i knew i was in agony and dammit now had to make real decisions about finances and now What the Fuck do I do? Not only am i conscious of what I lost, how it happened, when it happened, now I had to face the question actively of What Do I Do Now? 

 

Even typing that I hear the whine.  I quickly determined that I could not keep my sanity and do it all alone. During the Year of Fog, i was on autopilot, and luckily, 2 things happened - my mom got sick and had to do chemo, and my adult but special needs child moved back home.  Between the 2 of them, I had something else to focus on besides myself.  But after the year passed, i slammed into a wall of anger.  ANGER was like a friend that you see every once in a while who suddenly moved in full time with you and is a bad roommate.

Maybe its more like Rage.  I got so pissed off, I am glad i didn't have a bazooka.  I raged over Jason not stopping drinking after his brush with cancer. But he just drank beer !  who knew that an 18 pack a day would do him in? 

Rage over his lousy no good son who didn't even have the balls to come to his father's funeral.  Even after year 2 i still have beef with that.  Rage over a huge leaky house that needed to have a hot water heater replaced, plumber, roofer, electrician - and no money to pay them.  I was pissed off at my hubby for leaving me this mess. Rage over the thought that after loving this one special soul, I am too young to roll over and die and I am too strong to actually get committed to a nutward, so now what?  Rage over being back to square one - Alone without a clue of what to do now?

Well, I knew I couldn't do it alone. I needed the big guns. I needed some spiritual assistance. I knew nothing any one could say to me would make it all better. I knew I had to take my ass up the stairs to have some words with the Big Guy up  in the Clouds, because honestly I had massive beef with It for taking away my lover bunny and best pal.  SO I said if i have to swallow this big fucking pill of nasty reality, I'm gonna go talk to God. He/She/It had some 'splaining to do, so i entered the spirituality trip with anger and the bone deep knowledge that the answer to the question of Why had a better chance of being answered via that route.  The only thing is , i hated God. :)  So I deliberately chose a spiritual path that was the least dogmatic. One that appealed to my mind first while my heart tried to jumpstart off of battery cables.  The first months I attended service just with the idea, that it least got me out of the house surrounded by other breathing, (albeit goofy ass hell feel goodie type ) people.  And i cried from the moment i sat down till the service was over.  I started looking at church as a place to go and have a good cry.  Eventually I started socializing with the people. Then i started taking classes. Then I started to feel cracks in the ice. I mourned but now I mourned knowing that i wasn't alone. Not that anyone there was a widower. But in my search to get an answer from God, I found a place to help me heal and whittle down the Rage back down to Anger, and eventually served anger an eviction notice.

Meantime, back to you Linda , the bottom line, is be good to you. Try to recognize what you need, never pretend , always be true to what you need right now and maybe being back home with Mom is what the doctor will order. Everything changed when your mate died, when my mate died, but what hasn't changed is the importance of what you need. Howl, wail, scream, cry, ache and be every rotten emotion that you got and do whatever it takes to keep yourself whole until you figure out what is next. Big hugs and love to you

Comment by Jay Lance Roberts on March 24, 2011 at 2:48pm

While I was in a failing marriage, I met Joy who became the love of my life. After 9 years of being together every day, she told me 3 weeks ago that she has fallen out of love with me and is leaving. I have a 13 year old daughter and her frustration was that she felt like the third wheel and wanted the attention too that I gave my daughter. I understand why she left, she has been frustrated about this for some time, but I just can't believe it happened. We were so right for each other. And I just can't stop crying. That emotion alternates with anger and wanting to call her and talk with her and even though she wants to remain friends, I know I have to let her go. But she was my best friend as well and I wish I had her to talk to about what Im going through. Every fiber in my being wants to call her and text her but I resist it and I wish we could go back to the way it was. I need this support because since I can no longer share my experience with her I need a place to do that where others understand. Any shared stories would help a great deal at this time.

Comment by Linda Gutierrez on March 24, 2011 at 12:38pm

roxie, you've summed up ALOT how i feel! seems i was in a fog for these last 6 months, and finally it cleared, and i slammed into a wall of black depression. i came out of that fog to fiancial bullshit. My babe left me with nothing, after the furneal?. he had let 2 policies laspe. Now, i have people calling everyday for a payment and cut off notices. Guess my daughter took care of things while i was "fogged in'', and she used all her resources. So i do'nt know how we are gonna get by. have already borrowed from everyone i know. His family is no help. After 25 years you'd think someone would give a shit, but, they do'nt. How can that be,i truely believe after all that time, and i got along real well with them, somebody would. his kids ,ha-ha, they have been the worst. never call, got 1 son here in town, and he never calls or comes around. Promised his dad he would watch and help me-- not. So, now, guess i;m gonna have a big yard sell, and move back to OK, and be with my mom and dad. she has wanted me to move back for awhile now. I can't even get startd to get anything done here. Im in the twilight zone. i get up just to go back to bed. i don't see any light down that tunnel.Been trying to get disability, to young for his. have to be 60 or disabled to get his. Some days i'm so mad at him for leaving me in this situation and can't deal.i'm mad at him for leaving me all together!!!

Comment by roxydee on March 24, 2011 at 3:23am

I am so very glad that there is this space I can write out my thoughts and know that everyone who sees this, knows the pain of loss.  In the first year I went to hospice groups and even a few sessions with their counselor and a shrink in my medical plan. I have spoken ad nauseum about how i feel to my family and i've talked the ear off of a close internet chum

 

I got sick with a head cold this past Friday - finally got better on Tuesday night - but during that time - OH MY F*cking god how DARK the run was.. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep - I felt such crippling self pity and I wept like a baby

 

the funny thing is, if Jason had been around, he would have been a lousy care giver LOL . Typical guy  -  great recipient of care but on the flip side?  Not so much. But confined to the bed for days, i noticed how big my california king size bed is. As it is, I've changed the direction i used to sleep in it.  Because, my head misses touching his in my sleep. We used to be so close, that even if we started out sleeping backs to each other and far apart in that bed - we'd wake up in the morning with our foreheads touching and we'd catch whispers of each other's dreams.  I theorized it was the head touching thing - our minds would bleed over and we'd dream the same dream.

 

But wow, how do you follow that act up?  I'm shaking my head thinking to myself, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE   - Do I even want to get that close to another person ever again...and some small voice inside of me say YES! But the part that feels like its been scorched like a California wild fire had torched it - says hmmm, wow - maybe not.

 

that's the thing about losing your life mate - how do you resurrect your life from the ashes of loss?  I saw BIG LOVE's final episode and cried like these rain storms we have been pounded with - the Bill Paxton husband character died and he left behind 3 wives and a passel of kids. - The show showed each wife doing what they loved, living on.  i mean a fucking YEAR later !!  I wish my series writers for my life would kick in with a plan for me that shows me living a good life because honestly, the future seems very foggy , all i can do is live each moment , take each breath one at a time and not think about the big bad scarey future that has to be re-written because my sweet love is not here.

Whew - warriors - yep that's what we are..

 

Comment by becky j cecil on March 23, 2011 at 8:22pm

when i think about never seeing his smile, feeling his touch or hearing his voice my heart breaks.  all of this still seems so surreal.  i miss him so much

Comment by Linda Gutierrez on March 9, 2011 at 10:32am

well, the day finally came.-- my husband was a mechinac for 40years and had his own little group of people he kept serviced , for years. People would'nt take their cars to anyone eles. Then monday a guy just showed to talk to him about a car, he did'nt know my Babe left me. That was hard. The guy felt bad, cause he did'nt know. I'm afraid that 'tax return season' will bring more.i'm still waiting for ssi to kick in. apparently i've been talking to him more at night. my daughter tells me, cause she hears US! I do'nt remember any of it! thinking about getting a tape recorder and hear us! Freaks my daughter out alot.I am severaly hard of hearing- almost totally deaf,she was so scared she called a friend to come over cause it scares her so much. Wish i would remember talking to him. 

 

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