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Comment by Linda Gutierrez on February 1, 2011 at 10:11pm

it was 4 months the30th. of Jan. Went back home to okla for 2 weeks, my heart still aches for my babe. thinking it will never stop. Was gonna go to the hospice greif counseling tonight, but,did'nt. Seems so many other peoples greif is so much worse than mine. at least on here, i'm getting things off my chest, whether anyone reads it or not, i've put it out there. anyone understand this?

Comment by Joyce L on December 28, 2010 at 10:14am

hi-

i am very sorry for your loss- the pain of losing a mate is unbareable. I lost the love of my life in July and the pain during the initial days and first 2 months seemed too hard to over come.... it seemed as if just when it was too hard to handle it all- i would have a moment that i could finally breathe. 

 

i still remember the first breath it seems i took after he passed- it was very brief, but it gave me hope.

 

those breaths would come to me more, small pockets of time that i would be too numb to grieve or feel anything.  i started wanting those times more- and soon found myself in other stages of the grief process. 

I've had my moments of screaming at the top of my lungs, and still will have days that are filled with tears.  I can be angry at the world and in the next minute feel such deep sorry it is as if I am back in July.

 

i know it seems hard to believe- but you will start breathing again and it is ok to have a minute or a day where the grief lets up and you feel like you are living again.  I know i felt guilty when this happened to me, but i think it is Gods way of giving us the ability to make it through this horrible time.

 

hang in there- love to you

j

Comment by Patricia J. Jones on December 28, 2010 at 8:07am

My grief is still pretty fresh.  I lost my husband almost 4 weeks ago.  I'm reading your post and feeling every word you wrote.  I too want to go out in the street and scream, "This isn't f***ing fair.  How could this have happened to me?"  My husband was ill for three years before he passed.  I was pretty doing things on my own for 18 months.  But still he was beside me.  He could tell me daily that he loved me.  I could hold his hand and see his smile.  I go from feeling totally numb to panic attacks.  I sleep for three hours (if I'm lucky) then the rest of the night is watching whatever's on TV (I'm not really watching~it's just noise) and staring at the ceiling.  I'm hoping I will be better after 1 year as you are.  But better isn't good enough.  Better isn't feeling the love of my husband with me.  That's what frightens me so.  We grieve so hard because we loved so deeply.  I don't think I would ever want to take a chance on love again.  I can't even think past today but the thought of losing another mate would be something I couldn't even consider.

God's blessings to you roxydee.  Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and hold on to the memories, love those around me.  Right now I'm frightened and can't think about the memories.  I hope it gets better in time.

Comment by roxydee on December 28, 2010 at 2:00am

random thoughts about losing my honey bunny tonight:

 

 

I don't know what to want anymore

except I want more

 

I want more . I want more

this isn't it

 

I need more but how do I get out of my own emotional way to gain more after losing someone I really gambled on and hit the jackpot with?

 

This does not fucking compute.

 

How is it that you strive for something , get it, accomplish it and suddenly its not there (ie like my husband dying) is supposed to make you ecstatically
happy?

How do you come to realize this ..and how come my brain can't emcompass this fact? Why don't I get it? Why do I keep looking back to what can never be ?

 

I feel so stuck and I can't move forward because its got a kungfu grip on my mind and heart and dare I say soul? Why is it that this lovely husband of
mine's death turned life gray and has gone flatter than last year's
New Year's Eve champagne

and that's another thing

why am I so fucking broke? LOL

 

broke alone and grieving does that seem even remotely fair

 

and if SoM totally says that every thought I have creates my world then why can't I get my mind out of my grief

I want to scream

its crazy making

I wasn't always like this

I had hope

Now it feels like all the colors are fading and all that looms up before me is disapppointment, heartache and more half life confusion
dissatisfaction and angst. My mind tries to tell me – that bitchy
part of me

that part that says to SUCK IT UP and MOVE ON – that f-ed up part of myself that is even trying to convince my grieving self that my man wasn't ALL that.

Come on there's no reason to feel this pain for this long – and I look up from somewhere inside of my head in utter crushed disbelief – ARE YOU
INSANE? Of COURSE HE was ALL that? Why do I have to chalk it up to a
mirage already?

Just because I cannot deal with the hurt all the f-ing time

and speaking of hurt? Just when does it happen?

The 2^nd anniversary of his death is looming ahead of me. But I was talking to my friend today and I added up that my husband has literally not
been by my side in a quality way since 2/29/08 do I still get to
count that time prior to the time of watching him return home to die?
I'm so confused and angry

 

I feel so cheated and then that same crazy voice inside my head says horrible things like “Hey if he had remained alive, you'd probably would have been
on shakey ground marriage wise?” and to me that is the greater
heresy of all. Like HELLO did you not experience the utter FINENESS
and BEAUTY of that AWESOME marriage we had together?

 

Oh yeah its that same voice that probably is responsible for me making some of the more fucked up decisions when I was married to “test” the
strength of those love bonds between us.

 

Yeah, like okay we were inching up on our 7^th year itch? Plus my midlife existential crisis which was coming down on me like a tidal wave, and
then Jason's imminent retirement from his job. OMG we would have
been in the trenches then right?

 

So some Cassandra like doom and gloom part of myself is actually trying to convince me that we weren't perfect OMG like HELLO I know that but does him being
utterly fictional perfection of like Prince Charming or not really
matter ? Is that the real issue? NO@!!!!!

 

the issue is now that the fates have stripped this good man from my life in the most permanent of all ways – and heads up Mfer, you are like headed
there too on a speeding bullet if you want to realize the truth –
do you really GROK the information of that girlie or not? Keeping up
on current affairs - keeping up with the score board. Not only do
you fall in love, get married to the man of your heart, and he ups an
dies on you – you are gonna die too

 

SO why does it matter at all what you do for the rest of your life? Why not just enjoy each moment that you are here clocking time till your great
inevitable escape from this mortal coil? And fuck me if that isn't a
big bummer. Its like someone told me the end of the movie I really
wanted to see

 

I know where i'm headed. Jason's death was a preview of the highlights to come. You may eventually love another guy (hey it can happen ? Right? I mean
the thought cramps up my stomach) but um but then what? Will he up
and die on you or vice versa? Not so much concerned about this
mythical guy's fate but what if he gets the jump on me and dies
before I do like Jason had and I have to go thru this hell again? Is
that a kick in the rubber parts or what?

 

When will life feel like life again before he died before the drama when I felt whole complete and utterly loved. And will a love llike that ever come into
my life again? It took me 36 yrs to meet my love. And after 7 short
years together...omg ...that thought still manages to take my breath
away

 

 

do I deserve a happily ever after? Should I even believe in that ever again? But its like my cousin tells me all the time - love is not
transactional. I did nothing wrong. There was nothing I did to make
him die on me. It just happened. But why am I still searching after
all this time for the magic something I did that made this nightmare
happen? Will it make more sense? Will I sleep more ? All I know is
that it hurts. And life is blah. And because i'm not in a hurry to
meet my maker and i'm not even sure that i'll ever meet my hubby in
the afterlife or if I even believe in one – i'm gonna just have to
…..live an I can decide if it will just be a grind or find some
kind of reason to go on with more enthusiasm and less grief but whew

 

I am better than year one.

At least there is that.

Year 2 ….

who knows how year 3 will be ...1/29/2012

 

I don't even have the energy to even get excited about 2012...which is the bummer. Because just like Y2K didn't end life as we knew it on Earth...

 

and I don't know which is worse, not believing that or having a sorta half wish that it may be true so I can depart this half life trapped in between
grief, terror to live, love and dare to have hope again. Oh my
stomach hurts...I have no resolution. But thanks for listening.

Comment by Trudy F. Evans on January 27, 2010 at 9:36pm

My little dog died last month at 14-1/2 yrs. She was my buddy. Also lost my husband who was my best friend. I'm here to support all of you and to have someone to unload on when the pain hits me and this time of year it hits hard. Have a great day.

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