Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jeanne Potter on August 5, 2011 at 7:45pm

Anna I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your whole world changing in an instant. We found out my husband had brain cancer the day after he retired and our time was just going to begin. I had 16 more months with him and always knew that it would end this way. I knew it but until it happens it really doesn't set in completely and even then it takes time. Harry died Dec. 22, 2010. I have good days and bad, but it is getting a little better. Today I was driving looking for a house to buy and imagined he was right beside me. We loved to drive through the countryside and just take in the sights. That is when the reality set in again and I had to face the fact that I would be moving without him and that I would never see him again until I go. The tears start and for a little while I am a mess. Then I sort of snap out of it and get back to real life as it is now. It is boring and slow and not very much fun anymore. I think it will be someday, but never the same. You need time to work through it. I don't think it is ever really great, but it does get a little easier. Different seasons bring different memories and the first year has a whole lot of firsts. I was a wreck on our anniversary and next month is the anniversary of when we met and it goes on and on. Christmas will never be the same and it will always be 3 days after Harry died. It will get better in time, but I think the first year is the hardest. Hang in there and talk to people on here if you can't anyplace else. They are all here to help and get help. Take care, Jeanne

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 10, 2011 at 1:15pm

Jeanne Im sorry you belong to this group too.  It was so hard, those days from April 21 to July 1st, that I dont know how you did it for 16 months.  As much as I hate that Tom had to die, I would have hated it more if he had lived one more day in the pain and terror he faced in those few short weeks.  When I realized Tom had a terminal form of cancer my greatest wish was for him to go gently.  Now my greatest wish is that I could forget how ungentle it turned into but I cant.  Those memories are stuck in a crazy movie loop in my head to replay every minute I am not busy.  I hope your experience was not like that. 

 

Permalink Reply by Amy Smith on August 5, 2011 at 8:38pm

oh Anna.. god bless  you!! I hear every word of what you feel and i feel it and felt the sorrow and loneliness for soo long.. Just want to say let it out. anyway you can.. Love and hugs and PRAYERS going to you..

Permalink Reply by Amy Smith on August 5, 2011 at 8:42pm

We lost Jeremy suddenly and I cannot begin to comprehend what it would be like to lose him and know i was going to.. I say "I" like it was just him and i, but we had four children and they have had to live without there daddy too. but Anna has wives we just have a different sorrow. A separation that no one can fathom.. atleast not for me. he was the one that made it all better.. always. Even when he didn't want to.. He did and then i was left to do all alone, when i didn't have the first clue as to where to start.. i am just now able to talk about him without crying and that isn't everyday.. I just miss him.. I need him.. but my kids need me.. Again.. Loves and hugs to you Anna

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 10, 2011 at 1:26pm

Amy, you are right, our husbands were the ones that always made it better, and now at night there is noone to hold us and tell us it is going to be ok.  I guess the difference in having some time before Tom died is that I can talk about him now most of the time without totally losing it.  Its the triggers, like hearing a diesel truck that sounds like his, finding his smell on objects or cloths, and the nights that are the hardest for me.  I am thankful for my quiet house without having anyone to care for now, and not needing to go back to work right away because if I have a horrible night with no sleep there is no one to have to get up for, and no reason to not nap during the day if I need to.  I cant imagine doing this with others depending on me.  I cant care for myself properly most days, how in the world could I care for a child.  You have my respect for being strong enough to do it.

 

Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on August 6, 2011 at 10:06am

My heart goes out to you; Its been 8 weeks for me and I know how lonely it is.  I moved far from home with my soulmate and have no family or friends here except co-workers which help but no one to share the dark hours home alone and at night.  Its grueling I know, but I just keep trying.  I know there are grief support groups but I wish we had a widower's companionship group to do things together; movies, dinner, games, something.  For me, I talk to him sometimes like he's there and I can almost hear how he'd answer; I wake up thinking of things I should do and I think he plants them in my head.  Ask your husband to keep helping you get through this. We know they don't want us to be insufferably sick and miserable; they wanted us to be happy and we have to try.

Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on August 6, 2011 at 10:13am

I know its awful.  I moved far away from friends and family with Ricky and now I'm feeling double abandoned.  I have no friends as he wanted to move way out to the country, and except for co-workers, the dark hours of night and weekends are excruciating. I set up a memorial on the mantle and come home and tell him my problems and ask for his help.  I think he plants ideas in my head to manage keeping up our property (he built us 2 houses after Katrina and did all the work around here) so that keeps me so busy, I can't get away to make friends!  I guess that's what I get for putting all my eggs in one basket, but it was a great basket to be in at the time!

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 10, 2011 at 1:32pm

Maura, I cant imagine how hard being far from you family and friends is.  I wouldnt have made it the last month of Toms life, or the month after without my family steering me along.  Do you think you will move back closer to your family?  I ask because I have to decide what to do with our family home.  We raised 4 children in this big house so leaving it would be very hard.  There are memories everywhere of happy family times.  My 7 grandkids love coming here to hang out together and with their Nana, but it was too big for just the two of us and now it is silly for one person to live here.  It also is a lot of work to keep up the house and yard alone.  So many decisions to be made.

Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on August 11, 2011 at 7:53am

Anna, thank you for your kindness; to make things worse his mother moved in the last week and she is a pain in the __ with her demands and smoking and criticism; it was the worst week of my life, but its over, the worst is over I tell myself and the aftermath is hard but I am taking my time; time for grieving, time to clean up, time to rebuild, time to learn to enjoy myself again.  I just joined the Red Hat society and think that is a step in the right direction; time for this girl to have mindless fun!  As far as the houses, that's going to take alot of work to sell, but yes, I want to eventually move back to Chicago, in fact Ricky told me the day we got his diagnosis that he wanted me to, so I could be with family and not here when "things got ugly".  That was very noble of him but I certainly couldn't leave him to suffer alone.  Well, now who's suffering?  I am but I am trying to be strong, do what feels right and make him proud.  Am sure your husband would want you to do the same.  xoxo

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 14, 2011 at 2:53pm

Hi Maura,  When I read this reply from you I wonder if in my situation I was you or your mom.  My daughter and her kids, 20, 16, 13 moved in with us so they could be near her dad.  With her came her two tiny dogs.  I was spending every second day and night caring for my husband.  Half of the time I that was in the hospital and since Tom was afraid to be alone, or not safe to be left alone I stayed with him.  For 2 months I slept in a chair beside his bed, some more comfortable than others!  I couldnt take care of the house but I wasnt here to make a mess either.  But my daughter and kids were.  The dogs peed and pooped all over the place, prefering the carpet in the hallway by a bathroom and under my husbands computer desk.  People were eating here but not cleaning up after themselves.  No one could even load and run the dishwasher.  I asked them to stay out of my bedroom but more than a dozen times I found they had been in there, even sleeping in my bed.  I felt so violated.  That was our special space and if Tom and I couldnt be in there together I didnt want anyone else in there.  My daughter smokes and I was so sick of her cigarette butts in dishes all over my back deck when I would go outside for a breath of "fresh air".   I was such a bitch.  I said angry words to everyone around me.  I couldnt wait for the service to be over so they would just go home.  I was tired of dealing with privacy issues, dog messes, a dirty house with no one to fix it.  So......  was I you, or the bitchy mom?  At this point I guess I was the bitchy mom, but I cant even think about how to fix it yet.  I hope in the near future I can sit down with my daughter and work out how to repair the damage done in those final few weeks.  I hope you are having a strong day today, and I know you are making him proud.  You are still here, still working on being ok, and what else is there now.

Permalink Reply by Maura Simms on August 14, 2011 at 3:26pm

Oh how infuriating; 2 months bedside?  OY and I'm not Jewish; I had only 3 weeks vigil and for cripes sakes, I'm trying to take care of him and myself and try to make our last days meaningful and the last thing you/I need are a bunch of relatives to take care of! Yet, it happens and we did it and we should pat ourselves on the back; God knows, no one else will!  You were not being a bitch, they were inconsiderate slobs and I even found things missing after they left; Oh and P.S., I also had 15 Mexican construction workers running around doing home elevation and a whining mother in law about all the inconvenience.  I tell you it was a cross between a Marx Brothers movie and hell on earth.  I know Ricky had a great sense of humor, but for Pete's sake, where's the dignity and sensitivity? Its just downright rude that "guests" are not waiting on us hand and foot and the nerve to crash at our house and be anything but helpful and supportive.  Good luck, keep in touch, xoxo

Permalink Reply by Amy Smith on August 11, 2011 at 7:34am

And anna, i wouldn't sell or move out of your house or make any decision like that for at least.. ATLEAST a year. I had a patient once when i did hospice and if was a couple of months after Jeremy died and she was so great. She was an elderly lady and had lost her husband recently. She gave me some really good advice that i wish i would have listen to now.. She told me exactly that.. Don't make ANY decisions until the One year anniversay comes and goes.. I hear her today telling me that i should have listened. Things would have been alot better.. and anna, i wasn't able to take care of my kids.. for a very very long time. I am just now able and willing to try and be their mom. Not alot of people understand that, but not alot of people were what Jeremy and I were together.. we were almost unstoppable, especially as parents. He was a very strong minded, opinionated person that my parents would not question, but it seemed that when he died my mom sorta of took advantage of that and ran with it.. not to say i don't thank her for picking up where i couldn;'t but she soo could have done something to help me too. but that is in the past and we are moving on and making life what god intended the whole time.. Anna i am always here if you need someone, whenever you need someone, i will add you here and if you choose you can add me on fb if you have one.. Knowing you have someone to talk to anytine really helps i think.. Loves and hugs