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Comment by Tracey Kaylor on November 22, 2016 at 8:08am

Who ever thought my pure, true, sweetest, and happiness would be taken away from me in the blink of a heartbeat.. certainly not me, Now I have no earthly idea how in Gods earth I'm to move forward without the most honest, sweetest, greatest man I have ever known in my life. I am not saying I haven't had some great men in my because I have, but every relationship is different. I know in my heart and soul Scott was and is my true and only soulmate,  I never want to love anyone ever again. I am so angry at the drs beyond believe, I kept telling the drs something was wrong and they kept saying it was just his diabetes and i kept arguing with them they wouldn't listen and now my darling love of my live is now gone, I cant bring him back, My life is forever ruined because the drs wouldn't listed to me. They problem is bc he was technically still married although he was going through a nasty divorce (bc of her) if we (meaning me or his father) filed a malpractice and won his "wife" although he was living with his father she would get all that money and his father nothing and Scott wouldn't have wanted her to get a dime of that. So we are Screwed either way we go. I miss his so much it hurts so much I am so heartbroken and crushed.

Comment by Tracey Kaylor on November 18, 2016 at 10:41pm

I lost my Fiance, Scott, a little over a month ago, I am the one who found him, I can get the vision out of my head. we believe he had sepsis, and blood clot. we had been in love for over 27 years, he married the wrong person she knew he was in love with me and vise versa, and told him that if he ever left her she would not only kill me she would also kill his parents, and for my safety and for the safety and of his parents he chose to stay with her, I understood, hated every second of it but he was protecting us. she finally left him 1 1/2 yrs ago but i didnt know, when I did find out it was about 4 1/2 months ago and we were insperable since, our love got stronger. He did have alot of health issues, he had 4 boughts of lymphnomia cancer which he was in remission for the 4th time, 3 heart attacks, 14 stents, diabetes, ambutations of his toes on one foot and on toe and on the other foot, the other toes were dislocated and due to be removed once the infections on other foot were no longer infected. He had 2 surgeries one in july one in august which were unable to be closed up but were not healing the way the dr wanted but he had contracted MRSA which he had been cleared of but contracted sepsis which they thought they had under control with the antibiotic and coronor said it was natural causes. His soon to be "ex wife" has been really horrible , Scott had a protective order against her and I have a peace order against her, she wont leave my family nor his family alone. She is trying to have me charged with Involuntary Manslaughter, but with the coroner stating cause of death as natural causes she shouldnt have a leg to stand on, but she wont leave my family nor his family alone in fact the cops were called twice during his memorial on her. as soon as his divorce was final we were getting married, she didnt know it but that was out plan. my heart is so broken and and shattered I dont know how to go on without him, i'm so lost without him, I have NEVER in my life made me feel so loved by anyone except my him and I dont know how to go on without himj,

Comment by April on September 24, 2016 at 6:43am

I have never been in an online group. I'm not really sure how this all works. I lost my husband 10 months ago. We were together for 20 years. I miss him so much. I have no desire to do anything. The realization that he is not coming home has been hitting me pretty hard. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I don't know how I can go on for the rest of my life without him by my side. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because of my children. It feels like I will never be happy again. I just feel so empty inside.

Comment by Cydney Oliver on March 21, 2016 at 4:12am

My love was retired and we had so many plans for this summer. A massive heart attack stole him from me 2-3-16. Now I don't even want to get out of bed. I do because I have people that depend on me. But if I had my choice, I would trade places with him so I didn't have to feel like this. I read so many posts that describe feeling lost. But we all know it is so much more than that.

Comment by Kate on January 6, 2016 at 8:49pm

I feel like my life end when I lost my fiance my soulmate my best friend. He really was love of my life. We made so many plans together some were little like trying new food and other were traveling goung to beach. We wanted to get married and have kids. We never got chance to do any of it when out of no where he had massive heart attack. I lost him forever and all my dreams were crushed. Now I don't know what to do. I wake up and he not there all I do is cry. So much emotions at same time. I want my happiness back. My heart feels physical broken. Not sure how to get through this. There are things that help I have pictures everywheres I'm trying to keep his memory alive but sonedays it kills me. 

Comment by rachel_micele on December 13, 2015 at 4:35pm

I will be thinking of you Jane and wishing for things to go well. Thank you so much for your encouragement on here. Not just the latest post but all our posts. They have meant a lot for me. "And I am into survival". I can definitely tell. You have helped be a beacon in the darkness for me, helping to give some light. I feel like you really strive to understand what you're feeling, what's going on with your grief, etc. I feel the same for myself. 

To think I will spend the rest of my life missing Gary, always having some degree of grief over what I lost is depressing. That's a long time. I understand it won't always feel like it does now. At least that's what one of my counselors always told me. So I guess it's finding a way to be okay with it like you seem to be. You calling out for your late mother at this time in your life with her being gone after 47 years, I'm working to wrap my mind around that.

I am so admired by your drive for survival and how you are so encouraging in the midst of your own grief and challenges. It's remarkable. Thank you so much for being here.

But anyway, good vibes going your way for tomorrow and for your recovery. Keep me (us) posted. *hugs* 

Comment by JaneS on December 12, 2015 at 2:32pm

I’m going in for my uterine surgery on Monday. 5:15 a.m. arrival time—really? I certainly hope my surgeon (who is tops in her field) is awake that early—7 a.m. for her.

I’m writing because I want all of you to understand how long you will miss your missing loved one—even if they have been gone a long, long time. I’m having little moments of being afraid, mostly because I know after two days I’ll be coming home to an empty house—other than my dogs, who will probably be a problem as they want to sleep with me and I have to sleep around them.

I’m finding that in my moments of fear, I’m calling out to my late Mom. It’s been 47 years since I lost her, and I still need her desperately from time to time. That is how mourning and sorrow works. We will all miss our lost spouses, boy/girlfriends, our missing mates absolutely forever. Just as we will miss our late parents. My mother was much better at comforting me than Tom when I was hurting and in physical distress. And it is she I find I am now crying out, even though I haven’t cried for her loss, just for her loss, for a long time.

Our roads as “newbies” in the loss of someone so important to us as our mates is devastating. And we will never truly get over that. But that’s okay. No one ever truly gets over such a loss, nor should they feel guilty if they succeed in finding a way to go on with their lives and find happiness again. That loss—parent or mate—will always leave a huge hole in our hearts. Because I’m scared, I need my long, lost mother now more than I need Tom, and I understand why.

We’ll always miss them, but we can and will find a way to move on, but their loss will always be there. Because they loved us so much, and wouldn’t want us to lose ourselves in their loss, we have to move on, if not just for us but because we owe them the last thing they would have wanted most.

But don’t feel bad about that and expect that there may be a time in your future when it’s one of them, not all of them, that you need more than the others, like the one you are then with. They all made their mark in our lives that will never be replaced, no matter who steps in to help ease that pain. They will make their own marks in our lives but those you are with currently, or recently, may not be the ones who fill your need to reach out to. But don’t short-change those who are there. Give them a chance to step up.

Don’t stop where you are, thinking no one will fill that hole. No one will exactly, but they will fill parts of that hole, and then create their own marks, and find their holes in your soul when you lose them it will be hurt as deeply but certainly very differently. It will all be worth it. It’s all just how life works.

Wish me well. I expect this to be just routine surgery and yes, I know I’ll be hurting, but it will pass quickly, in comparison to my last year having lost Tom. I think this is God’s way to jerk me out of missing Tom; to thinking more about my own physical survival. And I am into survival. No one said life would be easy, and “no one” was oh, so right! Hang in there, ya’ll! We’ll get through this together!

Comment by rachel_micele on December 10, 2015 at 11:45pm

Hi Jane. I've been thinking of you the last couple weeks. Your posts seem to always stir things for me. Not able to articulate it now but it's good to see you. Do keep us all posted on your hysterectomy.

Comment by JaneS on December 8, 2015 at 7:58pm

I made it through that bad week--Nov. 16th through 20th. On Nov. 19th, the last day I spent with my husband (he died at midnight so, for me the 20th doesn't count, the 19th does) I had a vaginal biopsy. I have vaginal cancer. I have a radical hysterectomy scheduled for the 14th of Dec. Enough with the lemons, already. C'est la vie!

I had a CT scan yesterday and all is in my favor. It doesn't effect any other organs or systems. But it's another 4-6 weeks of recovery, out of work, just as I was for the seven weeks of Tom's illness last year, almost this time. It's always something, no? But I'll be okay. I got a "good" kind of cancer! Weird statement. Weird life. I'm just so tired of crying. Tom was there for my breast cancer. No one is here for this one. Do have a casual friend stepping up to the plate. Sorry my immediate family isn't around. That would have helped, but they didn't step up when Tom died. I've done all that on my own, and will do this mostly on my own as well. I knew Tom would hurt--this one's a bit more scary. But, again, I'll survive. What is my choice?

I guess I do need to come out of my shell and start growing family--carefully. That's just how it is sometimes.

Comment by JaneS on October 15, 2015 at 8:47pm

I'm now two weeks into the anniversary of Tom's and my last seven weeks together. This Sunday will be the anniversary of the day a doctor told me he "probably wouldn't survive." Tom, who was exceptionally savvy about people never reacted to a doctor, a week later, telling him it was time to get his affairs in order and to talk to those he felt he needed to. Tom never accepted that he was dying--until the last week, four weeks anniversary (such as strange word for all of this), his infectious disease doctor, who broke the news that they hadn't found any antibiotics that would fight it, that there was nothing they could do--about five different "facts" and after each one she said "and you will die." As savvy as he was, and he was lucid, he just didn't want to accept it. During all that time I never pushed it--he had faith and I kept it for him. After she got through with him, his last week, he was down. Really down--that's all he could talk/think about. It was so hard staying "up" for him all those weeks, but I felt that was the best I could do for him. She was wrong, I believe--not me.

A good friend told me that, while I've been getting "better," dealing with things better, that the depression I was feeling coming on a few weeks ago was me mourning out last bitter-sweet time together--on different sides of acknowledgement, but that we were sharing on a closer level than we mostly did. I think he was right. I've felt "better" understanding why I was hurting more deeply again.

I've lost my mother, father, sister, and a deeply close long time girlfriend. I still cry to my mother, since 1967, and I still cry to her for guidance. The comparisons are different--I just withdrew, almost completely, at her loss. I've learned to deal and function but I don't remember the pain being so intense. But now that I know what is happening, why I'm backsliding, it has made it easier.

This is such a cruel ride. As I read recently, deep grief comes from deep love. Tom came about 30 years after my mom's death, and was the first person who consistently filled the gap left by my mom. At 64, I don't have that kind of time to wait, so I just have to believe. It's so hard some days, but with the strength I learned through my mom, and the confidence in myself that Tom instilled in me, I will. Understanding why we hurt helps to control it, put it into perspective, and keeps it from being something that controls us. It helps me understand just how much confidence Tom instilled in me. Hang in there people.

While your still wheeling, like I've been for most of this year, its the grief that has been controlling me. Now that I understand my feelings, I'm more in-tuned to what Tom's give me that can't be taken away--not even with his loss. He's still with me with what he taught me. You'll all come through it if you think about what they gave you with their love. That will always stay with you--if you focus on it. It's their unending gift to you.

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