Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by nicole on January 23, 2013 at 5:55am

Christine,

First let me say I am sorry for your sister, you, & your family. All of these crazy feelings and experiences you are going through are completely normal under the circumstances, even the extreme hate & rage.  You are still in a state of shock, why would anyone want to believe such a horrible thing could happen to someone they love?  Everything is different & everything has changed. Try to be kind to yourself & don't "should" on yourself.  This is going to take some serious time just to get to the point where you can function "normally" again.

 

I don't know where you live, but please, please, please, find a grievance center.  It must have a psychologist that is experienced in helping with violent deaths. For at least the first year or two, I recommend it not be affiliated with a church, or at least for me I was not capable of listening to the statements like "Jesus wants you to forgive." ( Actually I don't think it is my place to forgive, as I was not the one murdered & it was Jesus who asked God to forgive.)

Take your family too. Kids grieve a little differently but you needn't put on a brave face for them.  They are hurting too, and this can be an incredibly bonding experience for your family through experiencing your grief together, or you can show them it is not good to express yourself...to hide your feelings. You are all going to grieve for a very long time, you might as well learn how to help yourself and your children from people who have been through this already.... 

Unfortunately, you are not alone, but I know it sure feels that way.  Try not to listen to everyone else.  Unless they have a loved one who has been murdered, they don't really 'get it'. There are programs for free, and some of them are even using skype to set up meetings if you live in an area where there is nothing close by...  I will be praying for you.

Permalink Reply by Christine Leakey on January 23, 2013 at 7:27am

Thank you, Nicole. I've talked to a few people who have lost loved ones but so far have not met another person who has gone through something similar. I've started to become irritated when people tell me that 'she's in a better place' because her 'better place' should be with us. Or when people ask me how I'm doing because it's the most ridiculous question someone could ask right now. 

I honestly don't know if I'm ready to seek professional help yet. I can't wright down my thoughts and feelings with no problem but uttering any word of it just rips me apart. Does that make sense?

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on January 23, 2013 at 9:07am

Dear Christine,

I am soooo sorry to hear your story and the manner your sister's life was taken - it is just so wrong, on so many levels. I am fighting so many emotions as I read your words - I really have no concept of what you are going through. One thought I had was that I hope her boyfriend hung himself as he saw fully what he had done and past the death sentence on himself. (Deuteronomy 19:21) "And your eye should not feel sorry: soul will be for soul, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot."

Grief is not a destination, it is a journey. You will travel this road in your own unique way for whatever time you need.  Talking is the best thing you can do and I will listen 24/7 with a truly sympathetic ear.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Christine Leakey on January 23, 2013 at 9:30am

Brenda,

Thank you for your kind words and offering of your ear. I've found that I can't really 'talk' about it yet but I can certainly type.

Her boyfriend did hang himself later that afternoon. I have conflicting emotions about it. On one hand, I'm so very angry that I will never have the opportunity to tell him exactly how I feel or ask the questions that have been eating me alive since that day. On the other hand, I don't think that he deserved to live. What he did was so beyond wrong that the fact he was able to take any breaths after makes me sick. The fact that anyone could do such a heinous thing to another human being completely disgusts me.   

Permalink Reply by Dennis M. Walsh on January 23, 2013 at 11:22am

Christine,

I am truly sorry for your tragic loss. I understand only too well the competing emotions which now completely overwhelm you every minute of every day. Everyone deals with this type of profound loss in their own way. The only advice I can offer is to try to find something, whether it be a hobby, a cause, or your career, to keep you occupied--as difficult as that may be. I bought a 14 month old colt, which proved to be a tremendous source of diversion (probably worth a few hundred hours of therapy) and was also able to participate in my brother's murder investigation. These activities enabled me not to dwell on the circumstances of the murder. Your sister certainly would not want her family members so consumed with grief that their lives are shattered beyond repair. Nothing will ever remove the sense of loss, but I hope that time will ease some of the pain of losing your sister. Please know that I do not presume to know what, if anything, may comfort you at this sad time, but kow that others like me do understand the depth of your pain and the conflicted feelings you are experiencing. Take care of yourself and try to remain strong.

 

Dennis M. Walsh