Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on May 25, 2012 at 2:47pm

Amie,

sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. it makes me so upset to hear when people make such comments and blaming the victim? what? and to know that the victim is no longer here to defend him/her or speak out. that is just so bad. cant get tired of realizing how much evil people exist in this world. that can have the power to decide and end someone's life with no remorse whatsoever. and then blame the victim for such coward decision.

 

hugs,

Amanda

Permalink Reply by Amie on May 31, 2012 at 2:22pm

Thank you. This is why I continue to come to this site. I find some comfort hearing from others who do truely understand what this has been like for me.

 

Permalink Reply by Ruth on June 4, 2012 at 9:33am

Dear Amie,

First let me say how sorry I am to welcome you to our midst. This page shouldn't have to exist but thank G~d it does. Please accept my condolences on the senseless death of your mother. I lost Daddy 4.5yrs ago to murder by his "neighbor".

Good on you!  I am putting the "murder is the one overwhelming act...." in my journal with credit to you. It is not published, just there to put down thoughts that help me cope. You are SO STRONG! for not lashing out etc. Believe me those who are connected, even those unconnected, frequently blame the victim. It reflects irrationality and fear. I am now at the point in my journey that when I catch someone doing it, I literally get a mental picture of the "speaker" flashing the evil eye sign and spitting on the ground. Ptooey, ptt, ptt. It makes me smile as I engage them and say, "you do realize that you are blaming the victim, right? That we don't have the death penalty in our state for being a(n) (alcoholic, homeless, slut, loudmouth, you name it)"  I don't care what their feedback is, I do it for me and for my dad and the other victims out there.

No one is going to get away with shaming victims for their status with me around. I am not a public victim's right advocate yet but the State of Wisconsin seems to be driving me there inexorably with their fake "victim's compensation fund". Good for you Amie for speaking out on Domestic violence.  I see it's impact literally EVERY day I was a classroom aide.  You are a very dignified person and I understand not wanting to mention the murderer's name in connection with your mom. I will speak my father's name out loud and it will not be inevitably linked to the brute that killed him because he doesn't deserve to be mentioned with the memory of our loved one, right?

I know you will get great support here on the site. It has been a lifeline at times for our extended family, as I thrashed out our issues in its safe space, at a time when circumstances drove us apart.  There has been some reconciliation since the indictment and conviction of Daddy's murderer. It sounds like you are getting good support outside so called "family", so I hope your support offsets any pain and can energize you instead.

Take care, Ruth

PS. Was there an official hearing to declare your mom's husband the official murderer of your mom, for example, an inquest? I ask not out of curiosity but because the state rituals of accountability helped me enormously. I don't know if you've explored that with your attorney but just putting it out there. Others here have said it didn't help them because it didn't bring loved one back. I'm sure each person's circumstances are unique.

Permalink Reply by Amie on June 4, 2012 at 1:28pm

I'm actually glad you asked the question, there was a thorough and formal investigation. It was ruled a homicide, officially naming him as the assailant. The final police report was painful to read, but it did help me. The picture were gruesome and I understand how many people wouldn't want to view them. I did and I was glad. There was a peacefulness around her eyes which I can't explain, but I know it was there. On the other hand, the photos him were horrible. I may have my questions about what lies beyond on this life, but I know whatever he saw before/during his death was the equivalent of hell.

Thank you for your compliments of strength, those words remind me that I meerly the woman my mother raised me to be.

I hope that you have the opportunity to publish your journal someday. There are so few books out there that address the homicide survivors.

 

Permalink Reply by irene gomez on April 16, 2013 at 2:12am

keep ur head up......theres nothing in this world ur mother could have done to deserve tht,...its easier said thn done to leave an abusive relationship i know from experience...if he had a problem he could of simply walked away...dont let idiots get to u...just simply smile n say no matyer wht happened shes in gods arms now n theres no better place to be