Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nicholle on October 7, 2015 at 12:05pm

I am so very sorry to hear this. I understand to the extent that I can, the aloneness. The struggle to find the reason for being here, and the way out  of the painful maze that seems full  only of loss. Who to call, where to go on holidays, who to celebrate with, and suddenly there are more sad anniversaries than happy holidays. At least that's where I am right now. And yet each day keeps coming.

I have a relative who is an Only, became an only too young also. She lost one sister when the sister was hit by a car at 3. Lost her mom to cancer 5 months after the diagnosis. Lost her other sister to an over dose, followed by stage IV cancer for her dad, who lived with her until he passed.  With each loss, I could see the toll. She is finding joy again. I watch her closely. I understand her now, and watching her gives me hope that this lost, pointless  feeling will pass. 

I am so sorry for your losses, and the weight of what you are carrying. Sending Love.

Permalink Reply by Judie Edlin on October 7, 2015 at 4:06pm

Thank you so very much for replying to me Nicholle.  Reasons to 'be'.  I am always happy when holidays are finished.  I do not like hearing all that 'holiday and family cheer on TV'.  As such, I usually will watch some disaster movie to keep my mind of my loneliness and losses.  How do you deal with it?  What do you do to get by?

Permalink Reply by Nicholle on October 7, 2015 at 5:03pm

I'm in quite a pit myself right now, at this time.  What I have been doing is buying fiction books, but they've all been stories about survival and grief, because I trust a good author to put to words some of these feelings I can't put words to. You would probably like some of them....the last book I read was called (I'm so sorry!) Did You Ever Have A Family. I'll send it to you if you are a reader. Message me your address. If it would hurt too much, I get that. Right now, I want to be touched where it hurts because I feel lonely in feeling it. The main character loses her entire family when her house explodes. The story isn't gruesome, and it's told from many different perspectives and it's beautiful in the telling. And finally, Judie, at the end, was THE page I'd been waiting for. Throughout the book were beautiful jewels that I love, but at the end, a woman talks about how it's our jobs to stick around, to play our part, that even if our lives seem small and uninteresting, we have no idea the impact we are having on others, people who are surviving merely because they see us surviving also. It helped a little bit to stop looking *out there* at the crap in the world, and just look at myself and putting one foot in front of the other. I don't trust the world, I still feel alone, I barely want to be here, but here we are. One foot in front of the other.

I have gotten the husband (and kids, amazingly) to agree to go out of town for Halloween. I'm so thankful, so very, very, very thankful. Now if we could skip the rest, too. I know holidays are supposed to be for the kids, but it makes me angry, they are for all of us, to give us hope and be thankful and I don't feel either right now. I'm tired of most people not having the faintest idea what this feels like, although I should be glad for their innocence.

This can't last forever! 

Permalink Reply by Nicholle on October 8, 2015 at 7:51am

You know what else? I went to see a few mediums, who all validated things from my loved ones. Eventually I understood that they are still here. This doesn't help the missing, but  it did temporarily relieve it a little bit. Knowing they are around doesn't get the gravy made, I still have no partner for cards, my shopping pal is gone, my first dog doesn't curl up in the crook of my legs, there's no one to call with questions about how to do this or that, etc, but on "good" days, days that feel better, I can feel them more. 

Day by day. I hope today is an okay day. <3

Permalink Reply by Judie Edlin on October 8, 2015 at 7:55am

Hi Nicholle.  First of all, you have no idea how much I appreciate your contacting me.  Such support and understanding can only comes from another survivor of way too many losses.  Yes, no one to call and ask questions about anything.  What do you do for a living?  I am a teacher.  My email is judiehope1@verizon.net.  I would greatly appreciate any readings that have helped you.  I am an avid reader and it is one of my forms of escape.  I have always loved to read...just about anything.  I can't read, however, when I am too grief stricken. I wish you an OK day as well!!!

Permalink Reply by Nicholle on October 8, 2015 at 4:21pm

I see that you have four kids also, although yours are grown up. Here is something important that the fiction books I'm reading are showing me....there is a story unfolding, our stories are unfolding still. They are not finished yet. There is no telling what is around the corner or how things will turn out.Sometimes we are the ones to initiate change, and sometimes it comes to us. 

I do feel like good things will come, but there's no rushing time. 

Today is an okay day. It's better than yesterday. I wish I could foresee the hard days, or know what make a hard day so hard!

Take care!!! I send you an email.

Permalink Reply by Dee Smith on December 27, 2015 at 5:29am

I am alone also- and know and understand and of course  that you are not really alone. It is a scary feeling-asking God's wisdom and grace and knowledge that things will not always be like this!  Truly sorry for your multiple losses- feels like a tsunami!

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 27, 2015 at 5:45am

iv had multi loss so mush in 1 go im br ok en wish s sad 

no 1 gets it til thy hav  had a loss

u cud say iv gon off rales a bit not nasty stuuf its slf detruskt

Permalink Reply by Dee Smith on December 27, 2015 at 8:17am

It is evident that you are in pain and of course , the future does not have the same bright outcome that was there when loved ones were alive. Like Nicolle above, I wish I could foresee the hard days and know how to react. Not going to happen- pls pray for me and I will do the same !