Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mark on February 23, 2013 at 2:08pm

Kathy,

 

I was figured I should reply, as this was my only chance to do this as I'm tied up the rest of the day.  As I always say when I reply on here or anywhere, I don't know exactly what you are going through.  However, first of all I'm so sorry for your loss(es).  It's so simple to say sorry, but so many people don't say that; I hope reading it from someone helps just a bit.

 

Having lost my mom less than 1 year ago (closing in on 1 year in a few months) and my father just before that - so 2 parents gone 2 months apart - I am still mourning. I know there are people that do not get it!  

 

The people that don't get my grief might have kids of their own, or a big family, or have not gone through losing a parent, or (deliberately running on on the sentence for the effect or making a point) just are not very emphathetic.

 

I cried this morning about my mom, something came to mind about her and I just miss her so much.  We spent a lot of time together. She seemed like "a rock" in  a lot of ways; but finally -somewhat suprisingly - she was gone.

There have been grief group(s) I have gone to, and few other things. There have been some close acquaintances and friends and just some online things like this. 

Maybe something I say here willl help I hope;  I try to push ahead, figuring out what I am going to do in certain areas of my life. I feel stuck in a lot of ways.  But after reading your post, and looking at a pic of my mom smiling I keep on my fridge, I thought I would try and "help" the poster - yourself - who has gone through these losses.

 

My help - hopefully - is to say, keep pushing. I hate those phrases such as "they are in a better place......etc..."   I know the intentions are probably good by those people saying that, but I also wish they wouldn't say that.  IF I may suggest what helped me, was to try to find resources locally where you can be with others who have gone through losses.   I have learned there are people its not worth bringing my feelings up to, because they just dont get it.

 

I hope there aren't many typos in here, as just posting quickly and have to run.   Take care.

 

Mark

Permalink Reply by kathy bishop on February 23, 2013 at 5:47pm

Mark,

     I want to thank you for your lovely letter.  I completely understand the loss of your mom, even though my loss of my mom is only a week old, I truly lost her 5 years ago with altizmers.  I love her she too was the rock of my life, after my husband died, she seemed to lose her will too.  Rick and mom were very very close.  My beautiful beautiful mom is dancing with my handsome husband.  They are safe and not sick now, but I am a wreck, and I do mean a wreck!  Here alone at nights are the worse for me, I am so scared to be here alone. I am embarrased to tell people that because I am almost 60, but the darkness scares me to death.  Keep in touch please.  Thanks

 

Permalink Reply by kathy bishop on March 3, 2013 at 7:12pm

Hi Mark,

    Thought I'd touch bases with you again.  Understanding is what people doesn't understand, I find myself slipping into a depressed state now.  Dr. is scrambling to figure out the right meds for me, because I too have a very sick pancreas too. I was told today that when depression sets in, it's Satan's plan. the words went like this depression is a design of Satan.

What the heck is this all about, truly after losing my husband 19 months ago a sister in 13 months ago and my mom a few weeks ago. Who would not be depressed?  I just want to vent to someone. Can this be true, now Satan wants apart of me too?.

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 3, 2013 at 11:05pm

Kathy,

 

I am no "expert" on depression; however, first off in my opinion I think someone making the comments that depression is a design of Satan is a very strange comment.

The word depression has many contexts; for what you have gone through, I think it is understandable you feel the way you do.  I don't know what is going on with your pancreas etc, but you need to take care.

 

I would not be buying into comments that someone makes about satan. My experience -even as recently as this weekend - is to realize there are people who try to bring us down. I don't know if they are necessarily always doing it deliberately, but I do know that I am working through my reactions to people, and trying to push on with my life.  It is very very hard at times. I thank god for every day I have my health and my dog who has been a god send to me (I've had him for several years). I walk outside tonite and see the nice clear sky with the stars; I never used to take in the stars - haven't since I was a young kid. Point is, I am trying to change things up and not be dragged down.

 

Take care,  MArk

 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on February 23, 2013 at 3:15pm

sory abot yore losses i never used notice death mush till last yr wen my dad died and a lot more death follerd and 6 in january 2013 and antr 1 last wednady in the obistery notie we found uot my 1st death woz my step grandad wen i woz abot 2 but dont rember any thng coz i woz only a baby thn i woz abot 15 my anti edie died she woz great but i didnt take mush notie thn coz bean a tean i supose u dont a weak later my anti ann died but dont rember mush abot it thn my granmother kate died ovet th yrs a lot of people died wen my cuzen steve o died its bean over 10 yrs for him but u just feal u picking oyre self up from death thn a nother death nocks u further back iv bean like ths sisne my dad died its like 3 steps fowerd 9 steps back sory if iv not bean able 2 help

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Colvin on February 23, 2013 at 4:09pm

Hi Kathy, I am so sorry to hear of your losses.  The thing I have found so far is to take things one day at a time.  From my experience it does get more bearable over time, but the pain never truly goes away.  I'm still struggling with what is the whole meaning of going through life anyway.  I've lost my whole family - both parents, three sisters, a brother and many extended family grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, most before the age of 50.  I turned 49 this week, the age my brother and last sister died, so I've outlived almost everybody. 

 

You are correct, many people do not understand and I don't think they can grasp how it is when you no longer have that person to call, see, buy a gift for.  Birthdays, anniversarys, holidays are all difficult, but there is usually services at various places to celebrate the lives of those you have lost.  It is nice to go to a service or group where there are people who are dealing with the same thing.

 

People mean well and they try to say what they think will help, but on the other side sometimes they just ignore you which is worse.  I agree a lot of the comments I don't like either, I was not raised to believe in Heaven so for me it is just that they are gone and I'm now alone and next.  It was so hard to watch my mom bury her 3rd child (my brother) and two of her sisters while my last sister was terminal.  In the final months, no one called her or visited except me.  I think my mom and sister both hung on for each other.  I think my mom died first because she could not bear to bury another child.  My sister died 9 months later.  Of course people came to the funeral, but many people did not.  No one calls, it seems no one remembers that I'm still here or they just don't know what to say or don't want to deal with thinking about how I might be feeling.

 

I have found that you are definitely not alone.  There are many people on this site that are dealing with the same pain and although no one has a magic pill to make it better, you might find some coping strategies within their posts.  I personally have surrounded myself with things of my family that remind me of the good times we had.  Anything that had a negative vibe I got rid of, but I'm still very slow to deal with everything.  Its been 2 years since my last sister died and I still have a storage unit full of her and my mom's stuff that I haven't been able to deal with.

 

Just take time for yourself and take as much time to do things as you need.  I was in a brain fog for several years straight, due to all the deaths (22 in the last 18 years), and landed in the hospital 6 times between my mom and sister dying.  If you don't take care of yourself, the stress will attack your system.  Take care and keep posting any time you need to.  Your posts will help you and will likely help others as well.

 

Jennifer

Permalink Reply by kathy bishop on March 3, 2013 at 7:15pm

Thanks Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Melisa C on March 4, 2013 at 6:24am

It's very hard for me to figure out how to go on too. It seems we have to go on, and make a new meaning for life, and build a reason to live, but how does one do that? I think about the good times I had with mom and it makes me sad because that's gone and will never come back.

I would like to think they are in a better place, but still, it's not much of a consolation when one misses them so much. I guess it's a selfish thought, since for all that we now, they are fine now. When we cry we cry as much for them, as for our own pain and suffering.

I try to take it one day at a time, even if I can't make any sense of my life right now. Learning to live with this new reality will be a long, long road.

And that thing about depression being satan's work? It's nonsense!

Permalink Reply by kathy bishop on March 4, 2013 at 7:13am

Thanks so much Melisa, I do understand losses and I do understand the feeling of loneliness and I also understand being afraid and not wanting to go on. Had the discussion last night with my dr who is now treating me for major depression.  When u have a dr that calls u twice on a weekend he and you know that working through this grief has been very hard emotionally and physically I was told yesterday that depression is a design of Satan. I took that very personally since. since my butt was in church yesterday, trying to listen to the priest.  For God's, sake I lost two loves of my life in 19 months, and a sister in law too.  Satan, come on, if that were true, I would not have my butt in church trying to listen. Understanding the bible, the bible says not to JUDGE. certainly  was yesterday.  I beg for God's forgiveness' all the time  Hold on too our hope, it is hard to figure out where to go next.  Moms are special people, they hold u long before anyone else gets to meet you. Hold your mom in the highest honor because they loved u from the very beginning of your life.  Even if we might have pushed their buttons along the way. Hugs to u

Permalink Reply by M on March 5, 2013 at 11:07pm

Hi Kathy.I'm so sorry for your losses- they are many.  I've lost my love and my brother also in just over a year.  People often say "they are in a better place"- i know. a reply could be "yes but i still miss them very much".  I don't know where to go or begin either. feel very much "in a fog."  "going thru the motions "-that's what i feel.  i just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what is essential, and allowing myself to be sad/rest. sometimes my prayer is very simple "please help me ". take care.

Permalink Reply by Angela Scott on April 26, 2013 at 12:19pm

Hi Kathy I'm Angela nice to meet you i lost my son in February 2013 so i feel your pain over and over again and he was 20 years old you're pain is tripple the
Pain i am now going through i hate hearing the police fireman people's who saves
People's lives etc and all others
That has to come to the house 911 and all i hate hearing them come anyway that's the sound i never
Want to ever hear again they have to come when
You call them that was the longest day for me and my family
To get that dam call i will never be the same again he's in gods hands now because
That day i never got it together again and i
Am not the same now look like somebody took a knife and cut
My heart out so with you my heart goes to you
3times more may god bless you 3 times over are you a hole person now because i
Am not how you today i hope you are doing well because i wil now be in
The crazy house by now that's where i would be
Any way i am Angela and i hope to hear from you soon no
Rush it's 1:17 pm atlanta time so take care Angela .