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Many losses and I dont feel like 'me' anymore
Where do I even begin? In the last 4 years, 3 of my siblings have died from cancer...none of them were more than 53 years old. My mom fought cancer, lung cancer, for a year--during which she was in the hospital nearly all the time, died and came back several times, and finally beat the cancer--only to watch her three kids die from it.
The most recent was my sister. We'd been estranged for a couple of years but I never stopped loving her. We grew up together. She was 13 years older than me, and I idolized her growing up...I thought she was the coolest, most awesome person ever. The bond sisters share is so weird--we could be each others best friend, or worst enemy, depending... She had stage 4 lung cancer that had spread everywhere. No one but her husband knew. She told her kids just months before she died. Actually she didnt die...she was terminal with just weeks left and she shot herself--twice in the chest.
I'm embarassed to tell people that she shot herself but I cant be dishonest at all. It is what it is... But I'm embarassed people will judge me because of it. But also, this was so sudden and shocking. She was afraid of guns and wouldn't have touched it. We think she was not thinking because of all the pain meds they had her on...she didnt even leave a note for her kids--who she just totally lived for.
After all these losses you'd think I'd get a grip... But I just dont feel right--I dont feel like me anymore. My head is throbbing all the time, pain behind my eye, and I feel sick--weak, tired and like I look like death, even though everyone tells me I look good. I feel totally disconnected from my body--its like watching a movie play out. And I feel totallu empty--nothingness...Not sad or upset, just nothing...numb maybe?
I've never felt this way before. Is it normal? I dont remember feeling this way when my brothers died or when my mom was so sick. Its weird because I dont cry or anything--just feel absolutely nothing.
If anyone has any advice or encouragement Iwould greatly appreciate it.
Denise
The most recent was my sister. We'd been estranged for a couple of years but I never stopped loving her. We grew up together. She was 13 years older than me, and I idolized her growing up...I thought she was the coolest, most awesome person ever. The bond sisters share is so weird--we could be each others best friend, or worst enemy, depending... She had stage 4 lung cancer that had spread everywhere. No one but her husband knew. She told her kids just months before she died. Actually she didnt die...she was terminal with just weeks left and she shot herself--twice in the chest.
I'm embarassed to tell people that she shot herself but I cant be dishonest at all. It is what it is... But I'm embarassed people will judge me because of it. But also, this was so sudden and shocking. She was afraid of guns and wouldn't have touched it. We think she was not thinking because of all the pain meds they had her on...she didnt even leave a note for her kids--who she just totally lived for.
After all these losses you'd think I'd get a grip... But I just dont feel right--I dont feel like me anymore. My head is throbbing all the time, pain behind my eye, and I feel sick--weak, tired and like I look like death, even though everyone tells me I look good. I feel totally disconnected from my body--its like watching a movie play out. And I feel totallu empty--nothingness...Not sad or upset, just nothing...numb maybe?
I've never felt this way before. Is it normal? I dont remember feeling this way when my brothers died or when my mom was so sick. Its weird because I dont cry or anything--just feel absolutely nothing.
If anyone has any advice or encouragement Iwould greatly appreciate it.
Denise
Views: 155
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kim Cady on
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I would like to give advice... I too have had multiple losses from cancer, also personal losses - house, job, and much more. I am starting from scratch, but the setbacks are tough. I'm 58 and working now... but, losing my dad and husband has kept me from moving forward other than for survival in the last 3 years. It takes time, a support group and faith... no matter what your religion - faith that they survive in your heart and memory. Just recently I've had moments were the good things we had together are starting to come back.... but, I am in a very stuck complicated grief due to other struggles. Work with others to work out your thoughts.... and there is no reason for embarassment for the way your sister choose to cross over. She was probably in a lot of pain. Take care, Kim
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Permalink Reply by marilynne j on
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Hi Denise
Oh So much pain I can relate all my three siblings and mother and grandchild died in the last three years....its was to much for me also oh what pain ....but I try to handle this pain by going to grieving counsling at the hospital that my mom and sister died at .....it has helped me so much...you need to keep busy with work or volunteer work where you are needed....Iam not saying its less pain but it does help with being able to function ..Denise with Gods help hopefully we can get thru all this pain:) Take care Love and ight Marilynne
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I understand you. I am battling a mental illness and sometimes when i get so sad and my parents are gone, i feel like ending it all. I wish i could feel nothing. But I feel physically sick now. i am so exhausted. I've been this way for two days and i feel like i am going to collapse. I don't feel like going to another doctor, because i have been to so many. Sometimes, like your sister, feel so down that i cannot take it anymore, and give up to escape. I walk around thinking there must be something better then this world! It is a very empty feeling when death happens. i don't think i will ever get better...but there are moments of happiness with friends. On another site, people were trying hard to think about he positives in life and writing in a gratitude journal. I know this is not entirely advice but you are not alone and do not be ashamed to tell people how your sister died. Hang in there. nancy
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