I feel like no one will understand if I talk about grieving.  I am the support care for my parents.  I was not close to either of them.  A long history short, my mother told me  she never wanted me and did want my two brothers.  But when she became unmanageable with Alzheimer's three years ago, I was the closest in miles.  How I wish we had been living in some distant land then.  My husband and I had been enjoying early retirement then.  I ended up putting my mother in an Alzheimer unit for protection.  Moved my father to our town, my brother helped financially.  There are two brothers.  They pop in once a year for a couple of days.  They are the light of my father's life.  Then two years ago moved my father to assisted living after a major heart attack.  Throughout the time I have tried to do what I thought was best for both of them.  My father blames me for his not being able to drive even though he can barely get around.  Nothing I do is right, he says hurtful things to me and has all my life but especially since all this started.  I had stayed away from both of them because it just wasn't a positive situation.  Now, he is slipping into dementia.    My mother is now a body with a heart beat.  A year ago March the doctor said she did not have long left.  Last December they called, the end was near.  I called a priest because she is Catholic, had last rights given to her.  She is still alive.   Every time the phone rings I cringe.  Is my father in crisis?  Is my mother dead?

In April, my dog died suddenly.  She apparently ate something poison.  She was twelve.  She died withing hours.  I was glad she didn't suffer long.  But she followed me everywhere.  When I took her to the vet, he said she might not make it.  I looked at her and left.  I didn't say goodbye to her.  I knew later she wasn't coming home.  My heart aches because I didn't say goodbye to my puppy.   I still cry when I think of her, and how I should have comforted her before she died.  I held her before the vet saw her, but I didn't say goodbye. 

Three days later, I was called.  The Aunt who was more like a mother to me, and who loved me and told me so lots had fallen.  She had been in beginning stages of Alzheimer's.  They had to do surgery on her and she went fast forward in dementia.  I flew out to her, I stayed a week.  She never knew I was there.  She talked to people who weren't there.  She was happy, but I am heart broken.  She will never come back from this.  She is now in a Alzheimer care unit.  Having seen what happened to my mother, I am so sad and I want God to take her before she is a body with a heart beat.   But wanting it, doesn't do any good.  I don't want to remember her babbling to imaginary people.  I want my Aunt back.  I write a letter to her every week and a friend of hers reads it to her.  The friend tells me she remembers me when they go through the letter.  But I am thinking the friend is trying to comfort me.

I can't seem to get my life back.  It is like my whole life revolves around taking care of my parents who do not and never will appreciate what we have given up to "be here" for them.  My mother has no dignity, no response to life.  Yet she is still here.  My father who I have gotten to know better, but still do not understand is goingt in the same direction as my mother.  Some days he doesn't remember things that happen moments ago.  The doctors said two years ago he would not live till Christmas because of his heart.  Yet he is still alive.  We are at his beck and call.  We have left town a couple of times and each time he has had a medical crisis.  So we don't travel together anymore.  I go alone or not at all.  Our retirement lasted two years, then my parents took it away. 

My brothers live states away and I envy them so much.

I read some of the things posted and I feel like a heal.  I can't tell people these things.  I can't say, I am so tired of it all.  I just want to be around life not dieing.  I want my mother to go on.  I don't want to watch my father slip into full dementia.  I can't bear to think of the future for my aunt. 

Worse, I think of my own future and I want to die.  Not now, but I want to die with dignity.  I want to know what is happening around me.  If I can't participate then what is the point? 

All the joy of being able to participate in life seems over for me.  By the time my parents die, I probably will be too old to do anything meaningful.  I hate myself for resenting this situation.  I know they didn't ask for it.  But I so want out of it.  I just want to go through life without thinking is today the day for the call?

I know it probably sounds trivial, but I miss my dog so much.  She would sit with me.  She would comfort me somehow.

I am not alone in this, my husband helps constantly.  He really helps with my father.  But as he says, he doesn't care what my father says, he can stay detached.  I don't think he really understands though, the other day he said if I wanted to volunteer somewhere, it could do so at the supported living place my father lives in.  I had mentioned that I was thinking about volunteering someplace, but I would never want to be around more old people and more death then I deal with now.  I couldn't think how he could imagine that would be good for me. I know he wants to help, and probably thought it was a good idea, but really?  He told me I could get another dog if I want one.  I don't want another one.  I want my Kirby back. 

I feel like people will think me heartless if they knew how I feel about taking care of my parents or hoping my dear aunt does not live into final stages of Alzheimer's. 

I thought telling this would help me, but I am so far lost in this, I don't see it ever ending.  I feel like my life is over.