Comment

Comment by Katherine Ellis on November 5, 2009 at 12:05am

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You have a long month ahead of you. I have a lot of trouble handling my daughters B'day and her angel day. The holidays will be so hard for you. Please know that it will get better. Maybe softer is a better word in time. But it takes a lot of time. I am praying for you and your family. God Bless

Comment by Robert Tinsley on November 4, 2009 at 9:59pm

hey everyone im been off the chain for awhile but have truely missed this group alot god bless everyone and if anyone would like to talk or update me i would like that my daughters bd and one of my sons is comeing dec6 rage,pain,grief,tears you know the game its bad for all of us this time of year

Comment by Katherine Ellis on November 4, 2009 at 3:06am

Wendy, the holidays are a ruff time of year for us all. All I can tell you is to take it one small step at a time. Unfortunately the holiday season is coming whether we want it to or not. Our daughter has been gone 9 yrs and I can tell you that it will get better. But it takes lots of time. Hang in there. You and your family are in my prayers. God Bless

Comment by Laura Villarreal on November 3, 2009 at 9:32am

Thank you, Karen...a bright spot in an otherwise grey day!

Comment by Kar on November 3, 2009 at 8:43am

Hi Everyone - Love to you all !

Comment by Laura Villarreal on October 30, 2009 at 4:18pm

Thank you, Gail. What I feel everyday but could not put into words is written in The Gap. I will forward this to family and friends who can't seem to grasp the enormity of my loss and why I choose to isolate myself from them.
(((((HUGS))))) for your thoughtfulness!
Laura

Comment by Gail Richardson on October 30, 2009 at 3:44pm

The Gap


The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not
is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well
and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost
children have absorbed, what they bear. Our children now come to us
through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every
bowl of breakfast cereal, every kid on a scooter. We seek contact
with their atoms - their hairbrushes, toothbrushes, their clothing.
We reach out for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our
lives, now torn and shredded. A black hole has been blown through
our souls and, indeed,it often does not allow the light to escape.
It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply
and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our
loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our
children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will
change us, profoundly. At some point, in the distant future, the
edges of that hole will have tempered and softened, but the empty
space will remain--a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We
grieve for our children in part, through talking about them, and our
feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us; others cannot
and, through their denial, add a further measure, however unwitting,
to an already heavy burden.. Assuming that we may be feeling
"better" 6 months later is simply "to not get it". The excruciating
and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically
sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a
trap--those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for
whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity
and capacity. And yet, somehow, there are those, each in their own
fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our
immeasurable comfort. They have understood, again each in their own
way, that our children remain our children through our memory of
them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our
feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life.
Deny their life and you have no place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is
often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are
painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that
accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it
its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we
remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our
energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we
would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet
we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are
our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will
change us as does every experience-- and extreme experience changes
one extremely. We know we will have actually managed to survive
when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We
do not know who we will be at that point nor who will still be with
us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved
parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk
losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such
events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not
know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both
sides of the gap.

Comment by Gail Richardson on October 30, 2009 at 7:50am

Wendy, sometimes it is difficult to get other people to do things 'as normal' simply because it isn't 'normal' anymore - not for you and not for them either. Honestly speaking, if the others had wanted to go - it still wouldn't have been the same without Scottie. (((Hugs))) I would suggest that you get the kids together and figure out how you can all 'celebrate' in a different way - maybe a special pumpkin lantern specially for Scottie?? I guess most 3 year olds don't have too much of a concept of halloween yet but by next year I'm quite sure he'll be right in the thick of it. I don't know how old your other kids are but I'm sure they can come up with some bright ideas and make halloween special again - in a different way that is less painful for them and ultimately, you.
The 'first' of all anniversaries are just the hardest - it is so hard to deal with everyone elses happiness and excitement when your heart is breaking and you just want to run away and hide. The good news is, time really does help to change all that, Just take one step at a time - I know that's what I always say haha but it really is true. Let me know how you get on anyway hun xx

Comment by Wendy Farling on October 30, 2009 at 7:25am

It's me again, just venting a little today, We had or annual Holloween parade last night and i wanted to do was get the kids out of the house to have a little fun. Well no one wanted to go so i just took me and my 3year old. And he was all right for about the 10 minutes then he wanted to give the candy back and go home. Our local McDonalds was giveing out pop corn balls and he didn't even want to go there. I know everyone is depressed and nothing seem right to them. But if i get anymore depressed im going to scream. Holloween was always fun Scottie loved it and i tryed to remind them of that and he would defently want his brothers to scare the pee right out of someone. Thats what he liked to do scare people. we always tryed to get him back, we were just not as good as he was sneeking up on people. I mean if i can't get my kids through Holloween how in the Hell am i going to get them through thanksgiving , chrismas, his birthday and all the rest. just ventig,, Any advise .. Keeping the faith Wendy

Comment by Kar on October 28, 2009 at 10:21pm

Hi Wendy - Loads of hugs to you !!!
Many Many wonderful people here - who feel your pain and support you !

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