Comment

Comment by Gail Richardson on December 5, 2009 at 6:11am

Guess that was sort of 'the confirmation' you needed Allan - we call those warm feelings of comfort 'Angel Hugs' - you will too.
Gail

Comment by Laura Villarreal on December 5, 2009 at 5:57am

Thank you for sharing, Allan.

Comment by Allan on December 5, 2009 at 3:08am

Dear Group,
Remember my story about the box of clothes belonging to my daughter that has taken up residence in my living room? (Now simply called "the box" - kind of like the elephant in the living room) Well today we had a minor breakthrough.

The weather turned cold and snowy here in west Texas. Callie's younger sister Jessica needed a jacket to fit over her pregnant belly. A good spirit was present when Jessica opened the box and found one of Callie's army issue coats. She is so proud of her sister and misses her so much. This small action was a source of comfort to us. Thought I'd share it.
Thanks for listening. Allan

Comment by Allan on December 3, 2009 at 7:51pm

Dear Group,
Thank you so much for listening and for your feedback. It's like I know all the right answers, but gosh, this is hard. Gail, you are further down the road in this process and it gives me great hope that eventually I will be in a better spot than where I am today. After years of having the sun continue to rise and set I suppose one arrives at a point where it is no longer a question whether or not you can go on. It just happens.

Not long after my daughter's death a well meaning member of my church said to me how much I had been an inspiration to her. My immediate response was to say, I don't want to be an inspiration I just want to be normal again. I realize now that I should have simply said thank you. I could never begin to feel your hurt over the loss of Meshael, but somehow it gives me comfort that if you can survive, perhaps I can too. Thanks for your words.

Laura, your loss is still so fresh and I am so sorry Angela is not with you. I guess like you I am still feeling the need to talk to my daughter about her things. Granted, she would probably laugh and say, Oh Dad it's just a bunch of stupid shirts and pants! On the other hand if she were here she would need them. I still have her number on speed dial on my phone. I wish I could call her...I would give anything to hear her laugh again.

Comment by Gail Richardson on December 3, 2009 at 5:03pm

Allan - grief has to be handled one day at a time - no-one can push you to go any faster than your heart wants to go.
It was a little different for me with Meshael being so young, all her things were in her room just as she left them. I was the one who had to box them up and it had to be in my own time. Hence, it took a good five years before the last of her little treasures were packed up and put away.
When it is the right time for you - you will know. Try to make sure that you have plenty of company around you - it's a heartbreaking task but it does help, as Laura said, to talk to Callie as you do it. Ask her if it's OK to give her things to who-ever and don't be surprised if you get some confirmation that it is!
You are correct in saying that when you are ready to move the box it will be a turning point. Just for now, push the box against the wall or in another room (to appease the family) and don't open it until you are strong enough. You and only you will know when that time is right.
Take care
Gail

Comment by Laura Villarreal on December 3, 2009 at 1:55pm

Allan, I understand and know just how you feel. When I returned home from Fairbanks I had a large suitcase with lots of Angela's clothes and purses; the suitcase remained in the extra bedroom, on the bed, wide open for about 2 months. I could not bring myself "to put away" her things. It's really hard to explain...I felt that by storing her personal items I was putting her away and I did not want that to happen. I could make no sense of what I was thinking. When I finally made the decision to carefully store her belongings I cried the whole time. I also apologized to Angela for having "to put away" her things, reassuring her and myself, this was not "out of sight, out of mind". I'm not sure if this makes sense but it's just what I felt at the time.
Take care.
Laura

Comment by Allan on December 2, 2009 at 10:36pm

Dear Group,
Here's my latest dilemma. Over the holidays a large box came to reside at my house. My daughter's husband Shawn left the army and has taken a new civilian job in Kentucky. Before moving he packed and sent this large box of Callie's clothes for us to have. Since it is just a box of clothes, the plan is that some will be kept but the rest will be given to Goodwill. One of Callie's sisters wants to make a quilt out of some of the pieces of clothing...but of course she cant get around to it now. So there it sits, this the large box of Callie's clothes. My wife wants me to put it away somewhere. After all she says, we have a Christmas decorations and a tree to put up, and you cant just leave a box sitting in the middle of the floor in the living room. But there it is. Just sitting there.
I am not ready to touch, hold and feel her things - let alone put them away in a closet or store room or have to decide which to give away. Not yet. Maybe that will be a turning point in my grief work - the day when I finally decide to move the box. But for now there it is.

Comment by Kar on December 2, 2009 at 10:29am

Love & Understanding to all of you -- & BIG HUGS
Wendy I am glad you stood your ground on TG. My 2 other kids & hub wanted to go to the family dinners - I didn't & just couldnt get a grip so as I said sent with without me.
Laura - Yes bullied is a good word, I am certain they want to help - BUT...
Sherry - Yes I too like Laura have my mantle completely dedicated to Brad. And many other areas as well. I also keep a candle lit 24/7 one on each side of his picture & one over at his resting place as well. I like all of you other ideas too. Laura have you had any communication with any of the donor receipiants? I keep in touch with one of my sons.

Love & strength to us all - Looking forward to the holidays being over....... I had to go into a store yesterday & on the way in heard a mother call for her son "Bradley" my knees went weak & I wanted to throw up ---- although happy for her- My Bradley is gone... and then as my ears stopped ringing from it all - of course there was cheerful christmas music playing.... I had to get out of there fasttttt --- it is all just so hard - like acid to an already destroyed heart.

Comment by Laura Villarreal on December 2, 2009 at 9:44am

Wendy, I applaud you for standing your ground and doing what you thought was best for you and your family! At times I almost feel bullied by family members who think they know what is best for me!

Sherry, I have the fireplace mantle and wall dedicated to my daughter. A wooden box carved with a rose holds her cremains. Pink roses in a pink vase sit on the mantle. My favorite portrait of her hangs over the fireplace mantle. A tress of hair lays across the box and a framed letter describing who received her tissue/bone donations is also there. Her favorite bottle of perfume is there and several momentos of Alaska, where she lived and died, have a special place on the mantle. I also keep a candle lit 24/7. I believe we do these things because they just feel right. It also sounds like your 9 year old is very wise for her age.

Take care, hugs to you and your girls.
Laura

Comment by Sherry Bell on December 2, 2009 at 7:46am

ya i have a 9 year old and 4 yr old that lost there best friend and sister. the 9 year old felt bad cuz she got out and got help that saved my life but couldnt help her little sister. The 4 year old is really confused she thought she was coming back, we convinced her along with time that wasnt gonna happpen. she says she is with jesues and goes to church but says at jesues is the cemetary. i write to katelyne she talks to her and hugs her flowers when we go out there. thay were always together now our family seams so broken. i dedacated a wall n my house to her its called katelyns corner. i will post a pic of what it looks like for an idea i am not sure if it is good for them or bad i do not want the 4 year old to forget her. The 9 year old gets so sad but understands verry well. She is doing better than me she told me one day she wished she had a time machince n i asked her why she said so she could go back and take me out becouse of my injurys. i said and help katelyne 2 hu? she said no god was going to take her that day no matter what. she herself flat lined at 4 days old but thay brought her back.

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