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Comment by terri on April 3, 2010 at 7:54pm

hello im a 43 yr old mother of four livng children they are here with e but not my tow oldest girls are with thier dad who was found guilty of child abuse but still yet gained full custadoy my sec marriage lost two more right after they found out i lost the first two have no conatc with any of them tell they find me my first ex has rerally hurt me and my parents i had supervised visits still and still do but to no avil lost my mom two yrs ago never got to say bye to her grandkids either ill write more later thnk u all for letting me share

Comment by Racer Girl on March 21, 2010 at 10:39pm

Hi Gail, Thank you for all your kindness and support. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, they don’t live here anymore, they moved a year ago after a long four month stay to one of the sunshine states but now the grieving just seems too much at time especially now that we have been told no contact. At first, we tried very hard to stay in contact with our son after the move; emails went unanswered, voicemails went unanswered, all grandchildren’s birthday cards and checks sent went unacknowledged by the children and parents (other than a our cashed checked we received from the bank). We did receive a phone call from our son in March of last year to “slap” our hands for not saying goodbye to his wife (you know, the one who hated and detested us). We reminded him that we were approachable when the time came to say our goodbyes and she chose to not join the group while we were all saying goodbye to each other. The grandchildren range from late teens all the way down to 10 months old (born after they moved) and the children are not permitted to contact our at all. As far as the older ones are concerned, their online friend sites and emails are strongly monitored by their mother.
And to answer your question- before they were whisked off to the room down the hall, very little to no time was allowed (no matter how much we begged). It was so overwhelming sad and the children pretty much took things in stride… little good soldiers about the whole thing, almost like it wasn’t something new to them – maybe even their normal lifestyle before moving in with us. There were even times when went to use the restroom, that a couple more daring of the children would sneak very quickly down the hall and grab a quick hug and I love you. My husband and I felt helpless with this entire situation. I know for myself, there were many times during their 4 month stay, that I felt like a prisoner in my own home and because I didn’t want anymore wrath forced upon me even more that dil was so good at dishing out and our son encouraged her behavior more by saying nothing, sad but true…the Princess ruled my own home during her stay because I was weak.
Our hope is someday, as the children grow up and gain independence from their parents, that maybe it will be important to them to have us in their lives – but until then, I am overwhelmed with such sadness because of the loss and hurt I feel from this horrible situation. We were and still are good parents and wonderful grandparents, in my head I know that, but when you go through something like this, you begin to question so much of yourself and the whys that never ends inside your head. I had to finally take down my son’s and my grandchildren’s pictures because it just hurt too much, maybe someday…I will be strong enough to look at them with feeling so much pain. I miss my son, 31 years ago I gave birth to him after 22 hours of intense labor and didn’t even have the luxury of seeing him until he was 10 days old because my fever was too high and they said I couldn’t be near him. We took our commitment of parenthood very seriously...we believed that if you played and worked together, you would always be together. I now know this isn't true-it takes one person or situation to change all of that. Thank you.

Comment by Gail Richardson on March 21, 2010 at 5:17am

Hi Racer Girl :o)
I am so sorry that your son and daughter in law are such a selfish pair, I could almost understand their own need to isolate themselves but to isolate your Grandchildren from you- in your own house is completely heartless.
And no, it doesn't sound frivilous to me. Of course this must be incredibly upsetting for you and your husband.
All I can tell you is this - my parents were similar to your son/dil in as much as they too had to fall back on their parent for help. They didn't like it and felt that any help either set of parents gave was interference.
Funnily enough, my parents had 6 children too! My mother hated both her mother and my Dad's mother with a passion.
However, as a kid I LOVED my Grandparents and spent as much time as I possibly could with them. And, once I had left home at 16 I spent even more time with them. My Nanna was just the most important person ever in my life. My advice to you would be to concentrate on letting those little kids know that you will always be there for them and how much you love them and would like them to be part of your life.
You don't say how old the children are - I'm guessing from what you say that none of them are much more than ten years old?? Do you get any time with them at all before they're whisked off to sit in the bedroom??
It certainly sounds very unhealthy for a three year old to be sleeping all day!
Sweetie - you and your husband are saints for allowing this selfish pair to walk all over you like this. Perhaps your son has a reason for being this way but he should be putting that aside to allow his kids to grow in a happy family environment.
The older his children are, the more they will resent the 'life-style' their parents are forcing on them and they will turn to you and your husband. And that is something I KNOW!
I'm so sorry for this awful situation - it must be so difficult for you both to live like this.
God bless
Gail x

Comment by Racer Girl on March 20, 2010 at 11:42pm

I don’t what category I belong in, I know I miss my son, but my loss isn’t a grieving of death loss, it’s a grieving of the living loss. You see, I am grieving over the loss of my son and my grandchildren although they are still of this world. The relationship with our daughter in law of 11 years had been somewhat uncomfortable and even stressed at times through the years over different life viewpoints but we felt if we just stayed focused and remembered what was really important – our complete family, we could rise above what ever was going on at that time and come and stay together as a family. We weren’t going to loose our son and consequently our 6 grandchildren, but in the end, after all the ground work we put down over the years, that’s what happened anyway. Their financial situation mandated the necessity of them all 8 of them moving in with us which we gladly did to help out. Our daughter in law didn’t see it that way; she would have preferred a sizable loan rather than move in with “his” parents. To make a long story short, it didn’t go well; she was unsocial and made it clear she did not want to be here, my son soon lost temp his job, after that, he stayed up all night like she did-he, her and their 3 year old slept all day until the other kids came home from school, then the kids were made to stay back in the bedroom with them until dinner, kitchen cleaned up and back to the bedroom. With the tension that was mounting it was inevitable that an argument or two was to erupt. Mind you, no major arguments had ever occurred with our son and us over the years, we have been asked to understand he needs his space, no contact is acceptable. So as I said, I am grieving over the loss of my living son and grandchildren. I am sorry if this sounds to some of you that this is so frivolous because he is still on this earth, but knowing what I do, of the environment that he lives in, I feel this is final. Believe me, I have tried to tell myself, this too shall pass, so my heart aches less and my mind worries less. But with the controlling we saw with my own eyes in our home, I know in my heart, it will not pass in a very long time, if ever. Simple things can bring on a flood of tears – like just recently, St. Patrick’s Day…our son always fixed a beautiful cornbeef, cabbage carrots and potatoes dinner every St. Pat’s holiday weekend or as close as schedules allowed … he’s a wonderful cook and now for the first time I’m trying to put this together for my husband with as much skill and pride as our son did and I just kept crying through the whole process, trying so hard not to miss him and his wonderful smile and the laughter and joy the kids brought to this monumental Irish event. Someday I hope some sense can be made of all this pain, but I guess, the Lord hasn't yet let me see why this is happening. Thank you for allowing me to share. God Bless.

Comment by Kar on February 22, 2010 at 6:44pm

Love <3 to all of you !!!

Comment by Katherine Ellis on February 4, 2010 at 11:20pm

Trudy, as you should know by now, time may soften the pain but it will always be there and at times it feels like those days just happened. You have dealt with some unbeleiveable losses. You are a strong person even when you don't feel like one. Before I found my grief groups I felt like I was the only one to lose a child. Now I have all of you to help me get through the bad days and you have us. We are alway here to listen, just write. Like Gail said we are looking forward to getting to know you and your family. Hang in there. ((((hugs)))) Katherine

Comment by Gail Richardson on January 29, 2010 at 1:18pm

Trudy, so glad this has helped you some - I was so lucky to find a wonderful bereavement group shortly after Meshael died and they've helped me get this far. I do think that we gain strength and understanding in trying to help others go through this journey - certainly for me, the confirmations that I wasn't alone in my thoughts was a tremendous help. Looking forward to getting to know you and your loved ones. Hugs Gail x

Comment by Trudy F. Evans on January 28, 2010 at 5:00pm

You can't imagine how good this makes me feel Gail. All I can say is "Just so glad to be here". Where have you guys been all my griefing life. Right now I'm in pain but I also want to be there for everyone else when they go through they're pain. Maybe by helping someone else I'll understand my own grief. Thank you and everyone else.

Comment by Gail Richardson on January 28, 2010 at 4:28pm

Hi Trudy and welcome to the group no-one wants to belong to. Firstly let me say how sorry I am for your losses - I cannot imagine the pain of losing two children, life deals us some cruel blows. I'm also sorry for the loss of your husband and your pet - I know that animals are sometimes a very strong link to those we have lost and that their loss can bring back so much of the pain we thought was dealt with. Don't feel selfish for feeling sorry for yourself - my goodness, if we didn't.. who would?? We've been through hell and back and we entitled to feel bad sometimes. Time eases the pain but very now and again it all comes rushing back doesn't it. Katherine is right in saying what a nice group this is - so please feel comfortable to write in and have a rant and rave whenever you need to. We understand your pain and there are no fingers pointed here, February is going to be such a hard month for you - please know that we'll keep you in our hearts and prayers - you're not alone. Take care xx

Comment by Trudy F. Evans on January 28, 2010 at 2:48pm

Thank you so much Katherine. Your kind words are appreciated. It has been 21 yrs. since my son committed suicide and 10 since my other son was murdered and 9 since my husband died. I lost our beloved pet in December and am now totally alone. She was 14-1/2 yrs. old and like the end of having anyone with me. Feel so selfish for feeling sorry for myself but I do. I've had counseling of several years and have tried everything. It just seems to get harder. Feb. 2nd my younger son was found murdered that morning. Feb. 8th my eldest son commited suicide and his birthday is Feb. 6th. This is a big load for anyone to handle so there haven't been many conversations with friends. I like your cowboy hat Katherine.

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