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Comment by Teresa D. on October 12, 2018 at 9:32pm

Ginger I left all my sons pictures right where they were I need to see them. 

Comment by Teresa D. on October 12, 2018 at 9:30pm

It's been a while since I've checked in.  I'm actually melting down right now. Don't know what brought it on but can't seem to stop.  I miss everyone and think of all of you all the time. 

Michael's cousin, on his fathers side, had a baby and named him after Michael.  My nephew and his wife is due any day now and the babies middle name will be Michael in honor of my Michael.  My niece just found out she is pregnant and they decided if it's a boy his first name will be Michael.  This is bitter sweet.  They all loved Michael so much they all want Michael as part of their babies names. Yet each baby that comes just makes me miss my Michael even more.  Michael's not here to see all this and I'll never get to have the grandbabies he talked about in our last conversation. 

This summer was really rough I had to go to a funeral every week in August.  The last one was my sisters husband age 47, she still hasn't received the autopsy report and has no idea what happened.  As soon as I returned from Connecticut my dam dog died the next day.  Roxy gave me so much comfort.  She always knew when I was sad. She would sniff my eyes and lay as close as she could get to me.

I feel so overwhelmed right now.  The funeral before my sisters was my good friend's grandson age 19.  I feel bad but I felt a little comfort.  I felt like somebody close to me finally gets me a little bit.  Life has never gone back to what it was.  Everyday I ask God to take me towards the sun.  I just want to be happy again but feel it's never going to happen.

I've gotten good at hiding my grief.  I even tried to go to work on his leaving day.  But I made a fool out of my self.  I just couldn't hide it they way I thought I could.  I still sometimes walk myself right into a corner by talking about him to new people and then they will ask questions.  Do I lie and make stuff up or do I say he's gone? 

Some will ask how long has it been?  when I say 6 years they say, "Oh" all that does it make me feel like something is wrong with me. 

I'm rambling.  My mind is all over the place.  I miss Michael so bad.

A few weeks ago my sister was texting me about my nephew's wife baby shower and I shared with her how painful it was for me. she kept telling me Michael's with you.  I left for work and the radio kept switching channels on it's own.  Thinking of her text I said, "Michael I know that's you, so stop it."  It stopped.  Kinda freaked me out.

I'm going to take some time and go back and read some things I missed.  Seeing you guys makes me feel like I'm back home.  Back in my safety zone. 

Comment by Connie K on August 20, 2018 at 5:33pm

Hugs to all here. I a here less and less. Ammy thank you for asking about my mom. IT hasn't been good. Se ended up having another heart surgery and can no longer live alone. She is living with my sister (who is 70 herself - my mom is 88) and it is just too hard for her. She is not equipped to be a caretaker 24/7. So I have been going back and forth to South Carolina. Now my sister ad to have a knee replavement surgery and is in pain all the time as she heals, doesn't sleep enough and is becoming overwhelmed with my mom She called met today and said I needed to come and get my mother and bring her to CA. Which she would never do. Now i am long distance trying to make phone calls and see if it's possible for a live-in home health care person so my mom can go back to her house. It's sooo expensive. The thought of having to put her in a home is awful and I wish I were closer. In the meantime none of them realize what we went through as caretakers for my son when he was sick and in the hospital all the time and continually say to me "you just don;t know. It's 24/7. Oh I know but anyway.... I still struggle with my grief and missing my sn tremendously.

HOWEVER I had another amazing communication from him while in South Carolina last time. I was on the front porch late at night crying (because I can't do it in front of anyone) Talking to Daniel and crying. My phone was beside me and the screen lit up like when you get a message. But it didnt go away like normal. I picked it up to see what the message was and it was on my son's phone contact page! And there was his name illuminated Daniel Kaplan. Wow ok so the light remained on the page and never dimmed as usual. So I said thank you for being here, I miss you so much and I don't know what to do about Nana (my mom, his Nana) and I can't move here and leave your dad alone. Then I proceeded to walk in the house holding the phone, still illuminating his contact page. I was holding the phone and then when i got to the door i glanced at it again and OMG it was on his facebook page!! ok that's a completely different app. In case I was thinking "Is this really you." he answered. I know that spirit energy can manipulate electrical things as he has in the passed and others on this sight have experienced that as well. This one was incredible. I mean it's the only way I survive knowing that my precious angel lives on in another form and is there to guide me when I need him.

Sorry for the long post. I send each and every one of you live prayers and hope. For any new members I am so very very sorry you have to join this group but I hope you can find support and caring here.

Connie

Comment by Silke B. on July 17, 2018 at 12:30pm

When the stars

shine up in the sky,

I miss you.

When the sun rises

& sets every day,

I miss you.

When the rain falls

and everything looks

bright and beautiful,

I miss you.

Every day, every hour,

in every way,

in everything I do,

I miss you.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on July 3, 2018 at 6:26pm

Judy Pugh, thank you for sharing....I too have had 2 sons pass, one infant and one adult. 
I have found that nothing really makes sense to me in this all. I too had faith, and that along with everything else shattered that day. 
I and my daughter have been horrible treated by many (by those who regularly attend church but don't seem to understand compassion) in my grief process. Those same individuals with their intact families...the comments and judgements that were made about our fight for justice on behalf of my son were beyond terrible....those same individuals that get to have their family events with their alive children. 
I do not think much has changed in the last 5 years, it is still the unbearable pain, but I hide it much better...I am much more careful of maintaining the "mask"...people in general exhaust me. Sometimes I forget briefly that this is my life. 
Connie- prayers for you and your mom.
Ammy, I am sorry for the passing of your brother. Hugs.

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2018 at 3:52pm

Connie, I hope your mom is okay.  I know how hard it is when another family member is ill.
Our son's birthday was last Thursday (June 14).  The 8th without him.  And on Friday the 15th, my only sibling, my brother passed.  Preparing for his services brings back all the feelings and stress of when our son passed.
I hope you have not had to deal with this.

And to everyone else I pray for comfort/peace in the lifelong journey.

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2018 at 3:44pm

B. Windsor, I am so happy for you that you finally were able to see and visit with your grandson.  I hope it brought you some peace and happiness, and I hope you will be able to have a good relationship with him.

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2018 at 3:41pm

Hello.  Where has everyone gone?  I don't ever remember it being so quiet here.  I would like to think that is a good sign, but fearful that the newbies are being ignored.
This place was a place of comfort and understanding when I first came here.  I understand that we all gradually adjust somewhat to this new life we learn to live and some of us move away from here.  Why?  I don't know about others but for me it brought back bad memories that I had eventually been able to partially control.  And I felt helpless reading the comments.
I pray all are doing okay and send positive thoughts & hugs to everyone.

Comment by Judy Pugh on March 25, 2018 at 4:19am

I can so relate to what people are saying here. My youngest son’s birthday was last month and he would have been 26 this year. (Our first child who died as an infant would have been 34 this year). In October it will be the 5 year mark of our youngest son’s passing. It’s still so painful. About 9 months before he passed I was very ill and almost died myself. I counted myself so lucky that I didn’t, but then when he died I wished that God had just taken me when I was ill. If there is an answer as to why I was left to live when I really should not have made it only to then have my heart ripped out 9 months later I hope I get the answer someday. I am a person of faith and I do believe there are reasons things happen the way they do, but the answers rarely come on this side of the veil. My sister’s husband (who is not a young man and has never taken care of his health) just survived a heart attack by the skin of his teeth, and my sister keeps throwing around the “miracle” word like Pez candy. I guess I’m overly sensitive to the word “miracle” when I would have loved a miracle when either one of my sons died. She doesn’t realize I’m sure that expressions like that are painful for me. My husband and I are the only people in either family who have lost a child, and like I said we have lost two. While I don’t wish tragedy on anyone, sometimes it’s hard to take. Hopefully some of you can relate.

Comment by Connie K on March 24, 2018 at 2:12pm

Hello to all. It has been a while since I've posted. It's good to hear frm you Michelle.We've been walking this road together for almost the same ampunt of time. My Daniel has been gone for 5 years last Dec.1 This march 31 is his birthday. He would have been 23. I usuually do somehting special but this year because it falls on Easter weekend, I have conflicts.Not just with other obligations but with diffreing on what to do - how to honor him - with my husband. I can't take arguong about something like this. my heart is so broken wideopen, I can hardly stand it. These anniversaries are hard had hard. For me, as his mom, I have physical memories of bringing a human into this world. Altho many days I feel I have made progress, these days, I feel like I'm falling in an endless pit. What have I done in 5 years to be better? A lot of good and a lot of nothing. I feel no motivation for life, I feel like I can't handle one more thing. I feel lost. Still. I still feel regrets and guilt though I know these do no good for anyone. The problem is that as time passes everytime else seems like they think I should have"gotten over it and moved on in a positive way". I feel guilty for expressing the truth so I am more bottled up. I have retreated from many relationships because I don't have the acting skills to keep them up. I don't take very good care of myself and am a physical mess which depresses me even more. All I know is that I miss my sweet son as much as the day he left. I love you Daniel and wish I could be with you on your birthday.

 Now my mom is having heart issues. She is 88 and has to have surgery. We are very close but nit physically. She is on the east coast. She is the only one who remembers all the days, and always supports me. It is hard to think of losing her at this time. It's just all too hard right now.

I think of all of those who are in this boat with me. I pray for you all and send you love and hugs. It's only by my faith that he's ok and that we will be together again some day, that I survive.

Prayers to you Michele. ((( )))

Ginger - I am so very sorry for your loss <3

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