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Comment by Teresa D. on August 3, 2016 at 7:46am

Dolly that tree will never stop dancing. 

Everyone here helped me down this road and for that I will be forever grateful.  I hold each one of you in my heart. 

I was hoping something would change by now but the only thing that changed was me. Still not sure after almost 4 years who I am but I know I'm no longer the same person.

Seems like when I hit bottom the hardest I find signs of Michael.  I think it's him letting me know he's there.  Sometimes I ask him to hold my hand. 

Life just seems so intensified now. 

Even when I have nothing to say I want you all to know I NEED YOU!

I read the posts and some times I just sit and cry for us all.

I miss you Mike, I wish I could just have one last "snuggle time" with you.

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 2, 2016 at 5:39pm

Love to all here. its been such a long time only because I'm at such a loss for words, I come here, read, feel immense sorrow for all the 'new' ones here, hear my dearest 'old' friends and what they say and just feel I'm just going to add to the gloom we all feel instead of being of some help. This Dec it will be 6 years since I lost my only son, only child who was then 27...my heart....nothing ever ever makes up for this kind of a death blow. I can pretend all I want, put on a smiley face now and then but I feel such a disconnect to the present though I try very very hard to be in the flow of whatever is now.

6 years!!!! and I am still alive while he went? I could not have imagined a moment without him. But I want to talk about those moments as Dolly describes so well as being in the presence of something grander, something that makes you so still and stand in awe that even breathing is an intrusion. I will but right now just feel pain.

The past few months we have moved from the east coast to the west coast. We had a whole lot of moving to different homes as many were available for short term only. Tomorrow finally we move to a home where I hope to be for the next 2 years at least. My husband kind of took a break and is only now looking for jobs. While that is fine I have not had 'alone' time which I so desperately need especially when I want to sink into thoughts , happy thoughts even about my times with my son. My husband I met much later after my son passed and I was a single parent since 1998.

sighhhh sighhh sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... MICKY I WANT YOU WITH ME, I want the love , the laughter, the contentment , the joy of seeing a wonderful boy full of life smiling that sweet smile, telling me little things over the phone, frowning when i was mad at something and shaking his head. I once remember him asking me, " Mummy, do you blame your mom for everything that happens in your life? I thought a bit and said , " yes maybe I do".. and he just laughed loud and said " thats just so pathetic" and I giggled too and said that the fact that you don't makes me supermom because all people are fallible as are moms... He said " you are playing the 'mom' card so I will let you have the last word"

Well i want the last word now .... I want you with me my darling boy. But that won't happen will it?

Dolly, Connie, Jill, Mitchelle, Teresa and all of you here LOVE you all, you are all always close to me in my heart and thoughts always.While I may not say much here anymore, I think of you all everyday. Sending Love and all prayers for peace...

I saw a post by Karen who started this group and wanted to say Thank you , a huge Thank you , here we have connections of the heart and have found solace when no one else could give it.xoxoxoxox

Comment by Jill E on August 2, 2016 at 5:02pm

Thank you Connie. You all here understand when no one else does. Thank you for being here for me.

Comment by Lynn Williams on August 2, 2016 at 4:00pm

Great pictures Dolly love to everyone here

Comment by Connie K on August 2, 2016 at 3:28pm

Jill you and Josh will be in my heart this week. I ill light a candle for him beside Daniel's on Friday. hugs to everyone

Comment by Jill E on August 2, 2016 at 8:12am

I am going to cover up my sadness Friday when I talk to my son Derek. Since I can't be there I am going to tell him to go do something fun. Have hot wings like he use to with Josh. Be happy like Josh would want you to be while I just try with all my might to get through the day.

Dolly those pictures are so beautiful and I love the story of your dancing tree. Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Jill E on August 2, 2016 at 8:06am

Thank you Dolly. It helps to hear others hopes. I don't see the signs like I use to either or like you said maybe I am not seeing them. This grief has enveloped me and it is hard not to see much of anything. The beach sounds wonderful. Since moving from California to Arizona it is one thing I miss. I pray every single day there is a God in hopes I will see my Josh again. Friday 35 years old. He was so young. So unfair. He was the best son. I miss him, his voice, his hugs, his love. WYWH My Joshie.

Comment by Connie K on August 2, 2016 at 8:02am

Awesome Dolly <3

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 7:23am

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 6:46am

last Thursday we were up in the mountain house again and were playing music as usual when I got to thinking about Brandon and the 'dancing tree'... the one that always seemed to be swaying and twisting and dancing along with the music after Brandon died.. it was a little tree then.. now three years later its pretty big... I kind of jokingly said to Charlie...."I guess the dancing tree is too big to dance anymore" and RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT the tree started to 'wave' at us.. and NOTHING ELSE was moving at all... even the birds were quiet... it was that kind of day.. HUSHED is the best way I can describe it... like everything was waiting for something... but that tree WAVED at us with its limbs swirling and dipping.. and just for a short time and then stopped... and as far as I remember didn't move again that day.. or at least not in that 'dancing' way it has of moving... and one more time I felt as if we were in the Presence of something Holy and Wonderful and that it was another reassurance of the truth of God and that we are NOT that removed from heaven itself if we can only open ourselves to the reality that we are already part of the heavenly family we are yearning to join one day... I know this may sound crazy to some people or somehow sound pretentious that God would bother to communicate with us.. but it happens... and has been happening to some extent all my life without me knowing or thinking about what it meant.. and since Brandon died there have been so many unexplained happenings ... which have kept me going.... they have slowed way down now... for whatever reason... maybe its me not looking anymore.. or me shutting them out to try to work my way forward.. but there's no 'forward' really.... just now and waiting .. for when we will .. WILL... be together again...

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