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Comment by Connie K on November 13, 2016 at 7:10pm

Jill

The holidays get harder and harder to deal with. I just avoid as much as  I can and show up for the day if I have to. I haven't sent a Christmas card in 4 years . Every time I think about the amount of effort, my soul is too tired to even think about it much less do it. I send e-mails to those who have it and well one card - to my mother. I will sing as much as I can. i feel like we are together then. And gifts are going to be a gift from the Heifer Organization. And the longer it gets when you tell someone they act like that a lot of time has passed. as we all know - it feels like yesterday sometimes

Comment by Connie K on November 13, 2016 at 7:06pm

Dear Nb

That story about your clergy just makes me angry and sad. This is a person who id=s supposed to be offering guidance and is obviously oblivious to the reality you are going through. I believe it was Albert Einstein who said "A great grief is easily managed by all who do not have it". I would encourage you to look elsewhere for spiritual guidance and comfort. There are caring,  loving spiritual leaders out there who would better serve you. I have said to people who make comments like that to me that 'well it's really hard to explain how difficult it is unless you've experienced it yourself and I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. So I get that you can't understand. But thanks for caring.' They usually stare blankly at me and change the subject. Point made.

Comment by Jill E on November 13, 2016 at 11:54am

Connie-December is such a hard month...not only the anniversary (hate to call it that) but then there are the holidays...

Comment by Jill E on November 13, 2016 at 11:51am

That is awful. I don't expect a response like that from my friends let alone your clergyman. I am so sorry. It has been almost 2 years and I know now there never will be a time when I will be "over it". It is kind of the way it is. I pray it gets easier. Maybe finding a new church is a good idea. I have a wonderful therapist that I can unload on weekly. We all need somebody that listens...understands...Hugs

Comment by Patty on November 13, 2016 at 11:02am

Omg.  I can't believe that a clergyman said that.  After that amount of time my pastor/counselor told me that it would probably get worse for a time.   Agreed, never let that man around a grieving mom.    

Comment by Nb on November 13, 2016 at 10:58am

I had a clergyman tell me to "get over it" yesterday. He's the same one who told me at the burial of my son that the saddest thing he'd ever seen was the burial of a newborn. I think he meant to holy me out of my sadness...after all I had my son for 18 years. Meaning no disrespect to his position, but the man should be allowed nowhere near grieving mothers. He said, "I lost my dad." I replied, "it's not the same". And when he told me it's time to move on, I said, "It's been two months." I need to avoid that church, clearly.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 12, 2016 at 12:38pm

Dolly, agreed with everything you wrote. 

So sorry to the new ones here. 

Connie, hugs to you and to Jill as you both near angelversary dates.

Today, we received a notice in the mail that the girl who killed our son is going to appeal the court's decision. 

Her phony -- I am sorry -- in the court, I refused to accept it because she is not sorry, neither will she ever be. The judge asked me if we would accept that it was an emphatic No from me, so right that I held true to my inner guidance.

Comment by Connie K on November 12, 2016 at 11:50am

Hugs Jill. Our date is Dec.1 Just the hardest time

Comment by Jill E on November 11, 2016 at 1:48pm

Less than a month away. December 7th the 2nd anniversary of the worst day of my life, the worst day of any parents life. It will be 2 years since I lost my Joshie. Just 2 years ago today I could pick up my phone and call him. Hear his voice, his laugh make me smile. Can't do that anymore. Can't hear him can't hug him can't tell him to his face how very much I love him. Then to top it off I have to make it through these holidays. I hate even going into the grocery store. I wish I could take a very long nap to January 2nd. Of course nothing would be different. Same pain, same lose...

Comment by Dolly on November 2, 2016 at 7:43am

Crystal and Nb.. I am so sorry you are now one of us... I thought I had felt the worst pain possible when my two granddaughters died even before they could be born.. but I was wrong.. In 2013 my youngest son, then 21, suddenly died.  He had had a life of many physical difficulties due to prematurity with hydrocephalus and a brain stem cyst, and later suffered paralysis from the waist down during corrective spine surgery ...but through it all he was a joyful shining light to our lives... when he died the light went out .. for many many months I was like a zombie alternating between feeling totally detached from everything and wrapped in a cocoon of pain ..and periods of a furious frustration ... to have no power to change such an impossible thing as this loss.. to have to just suck it up.. to pretend I was still alive when all I felt was lost somewhere between here where I was and there where HE was now.. I had many strange things happen during those times that gave me some vague reassurance that he was still 'around' me... the first thing was a song playing on the computer with no icon .. one song... then no more.. by one of his favorite groups since childhood.. the Chipmunks of all things... and the song was one I had never heard them sing before..'We Are Family'.. which was all the more overwhelming because my son was adopted... it still gives me chills to write about it.. NOTHING helps us forget.. we won't stop grieving.. EVER... while we are still alive... but I try to remember that the pain is MINE and its because I love him so much.. and its VALID and RIGHT that I should feel my heart is no longer whole and never will be... but HE no longer has any pain or fear or limitations at ALL.. sometimes that doesn't help one bit... but sometimes when I sense his presence around me.. like the scent of lilies where there are no flowers at all... like the strum on a toy guitar behind me where a guitar doesn't exist.. where a light goes on TWICE without anyone to activate it .. in a remote cabin in the woods with only solar power.. when it seems as if I am ALMOST in heaven when a loud clap of thunder sounds on the last note of an unfamiliar sad song is played .. many of those I thought were my friends and many of those in my family act as if Brandon never even existed and have no compassion for my grieving.. even an online church pastor told me horribly mean things such as that I was 'just feeling sorry for myself' .. its only others who have had the same heartbreaking loss that have been willing and able to let me cry and scream and withdraw whenever I needed to with no condemnation .. so I keep coming back here.. to touch that source of acceptance and love.. I'll NEVER stop grieving.. why SHOULD I... my sweet darling son is GONE from me and until I die this will always be so and nothing will make me feel any 'better' about it... but I too have other loved ones still living that keep me trying to keep living too.. and more and more I have started just trying to appreciate every second I have with each of them.. just know you can talk to us.. yell at us.... complain... and also you can share any bit of hope you have and any experiences you have .. good or bad... and we will listen with our sore hearts and we will cry with you and maybe some day smile with you when you feel some hope again.. there's no 'time' frame on this ... its not something that ever really ends... but it does somehow get less horrific .. in tiny tiny steps... until the pain becomes mixed up with hope for when we will be together again...

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