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Comment by Jill E on November 22, 2016 at 10:02am

Two years ago Thanksgiving I had no idea that I would not be spending Christmas with both my boys. This Thanksgiving just my husband and me. My youngest son Derek lives in San Antonio and we can't afford to bring him here or us go there because we have a road trip planned for Christmas. December 7th the day my life changed forever. Catastrofically. Lost my oldest precious son. So now my Derek that has struggled so very much and has suffered so much especially losing his brother, we don't talk about it but I know it has affected all aspects of his life. Is having problems with his "friend/neighbor" that lives above him. He is one of 2 people that emailed me about six months ago telling me that Derek was extremely depressed and worried about him. I went and spent time with him and he got a puppy which has amazingly changed everything. Josh rescued 3 dogs so he knows Josh would be proud of him. Well this friend/neighbor that lives above him is complaining about his dog barking, they had a huge blow up over politics (who hasn't)and threatened him. Derek is scared to pieces that something will happen to his puppy. Derek cannot lose anything else. He has suffered more losses than anyone his age should. And me I worry about everything. I have always been a worrier but I have stepped over the line to obsessed about worrying. I don't sleep at night. I worry. If something so unpredictable happened to Josh...poor Derek he calls me and texts me all day long. I have turned him into me...I am sure he worries about me. That puppy has given so much love and joy I can't stand the thought of anything happening. Why do I do that???? Worry about things that may not ever happen, probably won't ever happen. I can't barely function because I have this cloud hanging over me all the time. I love you all. So let's get through this first hurdle, Thanksgiving and move on to the next... WYWH my Joshie

Comment by Teresa D. on November 22, 2016 at 7:55am

You are so right Connie we don't move on we only move through our grief. 

I've become more quite cause I just don't know what to say anymore. I've become such a faker.  Little does everyone know I still break down every day.

My nephews wedding was so hard.  It was outside on a beach and all I did during the ceremony was look for Michael.  Michael would have loved being there for his cousin. 

Michael had a neighbor that was an older woman with walking challenges from an accident.  she was so taken with Michael that she stays attached to my nephew that she met through Michael.  She actually traveled to Mexico for his wedding.

It was suppose to storm on the day of the wedding but it didn't, instead it was a beautiful day.  At the end I don't know if this woman saw me looking for Michael or if it was just her thought but she turned to me and said, "look Teresa see the sun shining through that cloud, that's Michael he's here." 

Later that night she went on and on about Michael.  Telling every story she could. All the sudden she stopped and asked me, "You do know your son impacted a lot of lives right?"

This woman has no idea what she did for me.

Bitter Sweet

Comment by Nb on November 21, 2016 at 5:32pm

Oh, Teresa, I am so sorry about your cousinʻs daughter - that must be so hard. I think thatʻs all anyone can say - itʻs just not helpful for anyone to give anybody else grief advice: including getting a hobby. 

Oh Connie, having a Dec 1 death anniversary must make the holidays (which are already so hard) so much more difficult. My heart goes out to you. 

Comment by Connie K on November 21, 2016 at 4:56pm

Teresa I am so so sorry to hear about your cousin's daughter. Heart wrenching. Yes here we are and I am thankful for all of you as well. And of course  for having the honor of sharing this planet with my son Daniel. His bright smile and infectious energy lit up our world and will continue to until I am with him again. Already I am having a hard time being in public. Yeah the whole "move on" thing.....not gonna happem. And the more time that passes the more they think we should be moving on. They don't get that we can't move on. We can only move through the grief the best we can each day, Daniel passed on Dec. 1st That date is hanging heavy in the air. Hugs to all of you and many prayers to get through the holidays. <3

Comment by Teresa D. on November 21, 2016 at 1:04pm

My heart is aching too Dolly.  My cousin's 21 year old daughter went missing this summer and just recently they found her body in the brush at the local park. It was really hard attending her service.  I already know from my own experience there is nothing I can say or do to make this better for them.  All I can do is let them know I'm there to support them the way they need me to.

Dolly I also saw the younger picture of Brandon that you posted, he seems to of always had that big bright beautiful smile. 

NB how awful clergy would say that, but you know I learned they are no different then anyone else NOT walking in our shoes.  They just don't get it! 

My brother the other day told me I needed to get a hobby so I could move on.  I didn't know whether to be mad or laugh at him.  Then he tells me how he has all my sons tools in his work building and that he keeps all of it just because it belongs to my son Michael.  Now here is is unable to stop hoarding Michael's tools but me his mom should get a hobby to move on.  See they just don't get it or catch themselves. 

4 years in and still don't have much figured out.

Holidays are coming and I still don't know what to do with them. 

Thursday is Thanksgiving Day for those of us in the US but I want everyone to know even in my times of silence I still appreciate everyone one of you. 

I'm thankful for the 29 years God allowed me to have Michael.

And I'm thankful for those of you who have taken this journey with me since he departed.

Comment by Nb on November 21, 2016 at 10:50am

Oh Dolly, how sad. I'll be praying for all of us, the mothers with empty arms.

Comment by Dolly on November 21, 2016 at 7:51am

I've had some very sad news... a loved one has lost her unborn child... my heart is aching so much for her... the pain and sadness just blots out everything else ... it never stops.. my heart is broken for her.. and all mothers with empty arms...

Comment by Connie K on November 14, 2016 at 4:04pm

Damn

Comment by Nb on November 13, 2016 at 10:58pm

Thanks, Connie, you are so right. Jill, I hear you on the holidays. Rhis will be our first Christmas and Lucas' birthday without him.

Comment by Jill E on November 13, 2016 at 7:28pm

All of our decorations will stay in the boxes. I don't know when or if they will be brought out again. Going to see my son in Texas. That is my present. The only present I want I will never receive. WYWH My Joshie.

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