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Comment by Jill E on February 28, 2017 at 7:40am

Oh Teresa that is an amazing story. How amazing...
Good way to start my day!
Big hugs!

WYWH My Joshie Love and miss you beyond words.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 28, 2017 at 6:54am

Was a really hard month but once again I survived it.  The day Michael came and the day Michael left are just so hard to get by. 

For the past few weeks I've been praying to God to help me hear his voice.  I feel like his voice is getting away from me.

My sister called me to tell me she was looking for a VHS tape that she knew my son and my father were on but couldn't find it and gave up on it as lost. 

After spending the day looking for the tape she said she had a dream she was talking to my dad but when he went to answer her she woke up.

Feeling a little upset about the dream she got out of bed in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea.

She discovered her frig stopped working in the night and went in her basement to get a little frig she had stored.  She opened it and there was the tape.

She sent it to be converted into a DVD. I can't wait to get it.  All I want is to hear my son's voice.  THANK YOU DADDY!!!!!!!

Comment by Teresa D. on February 25, 2017 at 9:00am

Debbie I am so sorry for the lost of your Mom.  Just know she was just as important to us as we were to her.

Rita I don't have advise.  My mother shut down in 2008 when my dad passed away, til this day she has not been able to offer me any comfort.  When I visit the most I get is, "you know I loved Michael". No hug or anything else attached to it.  I know my mother loved my son but I need more from her but I gave up on expecting it.  She also doesn't understand why it's hard for me to visit her now.

Comment by Rita on February 23, 2017 at 1:01pm

Thank you Jill and Ammy for the kind words and understanding... I am so hurt by my brothers insensitive comment that I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I actually had been trying harder and going to my Dad's twice a week. I took him for a new pacemaker and the follow up check yesterday. He was really mixed up yesterday. He wanted to take his blankets, his boots and a sweater. I talked him out of the blankets but couldn't the boots and sweater. I know he is dehydrated cause he doesn't drink enough water and it does cause his mind to be worse. I am torn between him and my grief which doesn't seem to be getting better. And after yesterday, dealing with my brother I don't want to go back at all! It seems like about the time I feel  I'm handling my grief better, something happens to bring it all to the forefront. I know I have developed some health problems because of the overwhelming grief. And I don't intend to do anything about it. I welcome death...to get me out of this horrible place I'm in!

Comment by Ammy on February 23, 2017 at 11:32am

Debbie Lynn, I knew your mom.  She was a beautiful person and we shared together about our sons.  I was her friend on FB too. I miss her great smile.  Sometimes her comments pop up in my memories on FB and I am saddened each time I see them.  I know she missed your brother, Don, so very much; just as we all miss our children. 

I know you were very close and I'm so sorry for your pain.  Keep her in your heart and remember the good/fun times.  She would want that.  And take care of yourself.  Hugs.

Comment by Ammy on February 23, 2017 at 11:21am

Rita, I went through a similar time with my mom and my brother, but it was before we lost our son.  Maybe you need to contact the Aging and Adult services where you live and seek assistance.  It may go under another name where you are. 

I know how difficult it was for me and I can't imagine being able to do it while grieving.  I hope you will find some help because you really need to take care of yourself first.

Comment by Jill E on February 23, 2017 at 8:41am

Rita-I was in the same type of situation as you except it was my mother. When I called my brother (he lived a half an hour from her) and sister and said I needed help. He came to see her and he said to me "how did you hide it so well?" I said back "if you ever came to see her you would have known" we had to put her in a care facility.
The difference is it happened before I lost Josh.
The similarity is Rita- I had a harder and harder time going and taking care of her, it was frustrating, depressing and so hard to do it. I admit I went less and less. It took everything I had. And I had not yet suffered the worse loss of my whole life.

I am proud of you. I don't know how you do it. I have trouble doing "regular" daily things and here you are dealing with your father and his illness. Just his illness is so very, very hard and that on top losing your Jesse I can't begin to tell you how much I admire you.
Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Unfortunately I don't know what to say about your brother except I understand. It hasn't even been a year since you lost your precious son. Oh please just let yourself grieve. I wish I had answers I don't know if you just told yourself I will go see my Dad on Tuesdays and that will be your "routine" maybe that would help or every other Tuesday. I wish I knew.
The pain we are going through is beyond understanding and no one understands us. Know you are doing your best. Don't feel guilty. You are stronger than you know.

Comment by Debbie Lynn Hallstrom on February 23, 2017 at 12:25am

Hello. My name is Debbie. I am Adrianne's Daughter. I joined this group to announce to you of her passing. She took her last breath on July 4th, 2016. She was my best friend, my better half and my person. I am not sure how to even begin to cope. She found a lot of comfort on this site and i am so grateful to all those who read and wrote to her. When my brother passed away she became more ill. It just ruined her. She used to tell me stories of those on this support group. It was hard for her to read but she felt so connected. 

She had cancer and I think I just never wanted to accept that it could take her because she was my world. The day she passed, I knew that if my brother came to her she would never come back and that was the case. I can't write to much because the pain is too hard, to intense. 

may you all be blessed and I am so sorry for all your and my pain.

Comment by Rita on February 22, 2017 at 7:59pm

Before my life changed on July 5, 2016 I was going to my Dads 3 times a week. I cooked, did his laundry, played dominoes, took him to doctor appointments, picked up prescriptions, bought his groceries and filled his pill box and whatever else needed to be done. My brother (4 yrs older than me) lives with my Dad. He owes my Dad EVERYTHING but he doesn't want to do anything for him. My Dad is almost 94 years old and his mind and body are not what they used to be.. After my Jesse's accident I simply could not continue to go as regular as I had. I have been on antidepressants to help me cope with him and my Mother (she passed 3 yrs ago.)  I am still having a very hard time excepting that my only son has passed away. I hadn't been going to my Dads but every 2-3 weeks and crying all the way home cause my Dad didn't understand why I had quit coming. He couldn't remember my son, his grandson, and that was very upsetting to me. He thought I was mad at him. I would have to explain why I hadn't been there. He still really didn't understand. Recently I have started going a little more and can see that my Dads mind has deteriorated considerably. He sits in the house by himself all day. He can't remember how to turn the tv on and nobody stops to visit or check on him. My brother sometimes will but not like he should and only briefly. The house is FILTY and trash every where 'cause my brother won't bother to clean up or pick up! Today I told my brother we need to think about doing something different with Dad. (My Dad has the money) I told him Dad needs some activity, some interaction with people. I told him sitting in the house day in and day out would work on anyone's mind and his is already feeble to begin with. I told my brother as the days get longer and he gets busier (farming) he will be there less. He said "well why don't you come and stay with him!" I said I can't I haven't felt very good. He said "well what's wrong with you?" I got very upset and ask him "how he would feel if he had lost a child?" I said "you have no ideal what that's like cause you have never lost any of your children (5!)" He says well "I guess I don't know" and "I said you never will understand how I feel until you do!!" I left in tears and cried all the way home. I am still upset! Should I want to go back to an already depressing situation because my brother doesn't want to spend Dads money on his care? It's very hard to see your parents dwindle away in front of you.. But losing my parents cannot remotely compare to the loss of my child, my only son...I just am not able right now to go back in the same capacity as I did. I am trying! Am I wrong to feel this way? I would appreciate some input from people that have experienced what I have...Thanks for listening!

Comment by Rita on February 21, 2017 at 11:29pm

I haven't posted anything in a while but I come here to read stories about the losses we (mostly) Mothers are going through. Looking for answers and knowing in my heart there are none...My Jesse was 38 days away from being 38 years old. Why do we have to go through such heartache and unbearable pain??? Is it punishment for some transgression we committed??? Why? Why? Why? I can't hardly stand the pain! I am so ready to die....Matter of fact I welcome it, anything to take this unbearable heartache and pain away...Nothing can mend my broken heart!!!

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