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Comment by B.Windsor on May 5, 2017 at 1:03pm

Teresa, i completely understand what you're saying.  People truly cannot understand the gravity, for the most part, and every little bit of support helps.  ***Hugs***  

i'm grateful for the group here who truly get it!  Thank you all.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 5, 2017 at 6:42am

That's what you have to do B. one minute, day and moment at a time. 

Yesterday one of my sister's told me I needed to join a group of parents so I could learn to cope with my loss of Michael.  I had to let her know I've been in one.  Why she thinks I'm different than any other parent out there who is experiencing this is a hard thought for me.   

I finally had to just tell her losing Michael's best friend was another loss to me and it was also like losing a piece of Michael again.  Greg was the one person who wanted to talk about Michael just as much as me.  Because all their friends on facebook were posting pictures of Greg and Michael together it was like having my own wound re-opened.  My sister has been very supportive through the years but I really don't think she gets it.  I also don't think she knows us parents don't lie to each other.  We don't tell each other "you'll heal" or "your child wouldn't want you to cry" or "learn to cope with it". We know we are on a path that we were forced into.  And until someone can come up with some magic words or actions to take this away this is just us.  I'm no different than anyone else.  My son Michael dying ripped away a part of me that will never return any more than Michael will return.  Some people have a hard time with the new you.  They just don't get how this changes EVERYTHING for us.  Ok I'm rambling but I needed to get that off my chest. I love my sister and don't want to tell her her support is going south so I come here and dump those feelings here.

Comment by Lynn Williams on May 4, 2017 at 9:26pm

I am so sorry Teresa, to here of your loss. Much love and hugs to everyone here.

Comment by B.Windsor on May 4, 2017 at 4:54pm

i received the first emails from the medical examiner's office, Tuesday.  *sigh My daughter had several different types of drugs in her system when she died.  i called her baby's daddy, and talked to him for a few minutes about what the report stated.  i explained the marks that were noted, and he claimed he'd only known about one or two--not the circular 'bunch' she had on her belly.  i also questioned him about his own drug use.  

i've never had to deal with this sorta thing, personally.  i read a lot and have seen a lotta shows based on drug use and so forth, but this has truly been a hard time. i know i have to make sure my grandson is taken care of--right--and make sure those around him are clean.  For this to happen, a lot of changes are gonna have to take place for me.  *sigh  i am sooooooooo afraid of what might happen and anxious because of the unknown.  But, if anything were to happen to Gabe, i'd never be able to live with myself.  It's hard enough, already, knowing his mother died the way she did.

One of my husband's aunts set up a mass, here, regarding Shelby's death.  It's this coming Monday evening...i'm not catholic, but i do believe in God....and i know she set it up because there has been no other 'service' scheduled for her, period.  One day atta time....sometimes, moment to moment....*sigh  Still tryin....

Comment by Connie K on May 4, 2017 at 12:29am

Oh Teresa I am so very sorry. Hugs and prayers

Comment by Teresa D. on May 3, 2017 at 3:55pm

Received a text today that Michael's best friend overdosed and passed away.  It's like losing a son and a piece of Michael all over again.  Damn life is hard! 

Comment by B.Windsor on April 25, 2017 at 5:01pm

So, it's been a lil over two months since Shelby's death.  My husband's family had a 60th anniversary party planned for this past weekend, so we went, as usual.  It was really nice to see so many loving and compassionate people in one family....  The more i thought about it, the more the 'couple' reminded me of my own parents, so i truly enjoy being around them.  It was so sweet when they were on the dance floor, as they would find and choose other partners with each song, while they were dancing---and several of the partners were kids, who just had a ball!  There was one, in particular, that i just had to watch....she was probably ten or close to it, and while she was on the dance floor, she had no qualms about being herself.  She reminded me so much of my daughter on the dance floor....i just had an emotional moment or two, while i was watching her.  i also wish i'd felt better, so i could've been a bit more interactive.  But, at least i got to see everyone and even smile a bit.

Then, reality set back in, as my husband and his mother got into another 'tiff'--right before the party, as a matter of fact--so they spent the few hours avoiding one another...  So, it's been quiet, since.

Comment by B.Windsor on April 18, 2017 at 10:45pm

Thank you, Teresa and Rita.  i really do appreciate the input.  i have talked to my doctor, and she basically told me (since i'm already on meds) to wait a bit and see how this process goes for me, i.e. no change in meds for now.  Sleep is still hit'n miss and the 'dreams' and thoughts are still really weird, to say the least.  As for the medical examiner:  the office told me it could take upwards of a year, and of course, my ex has reminded me of that, already (mainly because he's in the same state as it happened, and i'm in Canada).  i did send him a small 'note' with the check i sent to take care of my half of taking care of Shelby's body.  Just typing that...makes me nauseated.  *sigh  i know it's gonna take a while to be able to even find some 'normality' again.  i've been told that by several individuals, now....  i guess i just felt like everyone would expect me to keep going and be 'normal-ish' sooner than later, since that's how my life has been, thus far.  No matter who i've lost or how they died, i was always expected to just keep going.  Now, suddenly, i'm supposed to take time to heal.  i guess i'm truly having issues with healing, since i don't know 'how' or really, how to process and go on, from this point.  

i called on Sunday, to see how my grandson was doing with his Easter and he was having a great time!  i know he has his times when he isn't exactly coping well, but then again, he's not five yet, and just lost his mother!!!  Anyway, i talked to his dad for a bit, while they were outside playing a smaller version of baseball, and he confirmed how good the weekend had been and how much fun Gabe was having.  So, i told him i'd call later on in the week, hopefully after the excitement had worn down some.  

Comment by Rita on April 15, 2017 at 12:10pm

B. it was almost 2 months after my sons death when I received the ME's report. It made me so upset. It was like it was happening again.. Fresh! I wished I hadn't opened it! My mind was working overtime with all the scenarios and questions! Every time I thought about it I cried, (which was all the time) so I cried a lot! I didn't tell anymore than I already knew but I was hoping it would answer a question that I had but it didn't. To me the ME didn't do his job. I would have thought when a young man (37) comes in with a defibrillator/pacemaker that would have raised a red flag??? Heart attack, wreck, hmmm!!! I was wrong! He just told me blunt force trauma! That was obvious! Probably to anyone who seen him! Basically end of story...

The ME I dealt with was very calloused and unsympathetic to my concerns and questions!!  He sees lots of bodies and this is just one more he had to look at....

So B. expect to be upset!! There will be many triggers that will upset you for a long time to come... That is just the way it is when a Mother loses her child...

I tried to deal with it as best I could and was not very successful! After 4 or 5 months I decided their had to be something to help with the deep, deep depression I was in. I went to my doctor and she give me something for depression and anxiety. It's hit and miss but I finally got something that has helped with the depression. It doesn't take away the sadness but I'm not wanting to sleep all the time...I wasn't a strong enough person to handle it on my own.....

"When you are brought to your knees, you sometimes need help getting up!"

Comment by Teresa D. on April 14, 2017 at 7:39am

B. Windsor, I too had to wait for a medical report to help me understand what happened. Then once it finally arrived I had to find the right moment to read it.  Opening it was not easy but I knew I had to.

We all struggle to find our way.  We will always speak the truth to you. We won't tell you how your daughter wouldn't want you to be sad or cry.  We won't lie to you and tell you in time you will heal.  Instead we will tell you in time you'll learn to "manage it".  At first learning to "manage it" will seem like a bizarre idea to you, or it did me, but then you'll start to get it.

We will support you , listen to you and most importantly we will "get it".  I'm 41/2 years in and I can't say I'm healed, (what's that?) or that I don't have days when I just can't get out of that place.  I can't even say I stopped crying daily. But I know I'm learning to "manage it" as slow and painful as it is and in time you will too.

Right now Rita is right just allow yourself to grieve.

Happy Belated Birthday to Daniel. 

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