Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on May 22, 2009 at 4:22pm

Fred - I know how you are feeling about this - my foster daughter was molested as a young girl and I have often imagined how good it would feel to reek some justice on the pathetic examples of human being that did it. But, then who would look after her and keep her safe from anyone else????
Your wife is right - she needs you, your kids need you and more to the point - You need them!! I hope one day you will be able to see for yourself how karma comes round to bite those sorry so and so's right where it hurts. It WILL happen - I promise, it always does.
Gail

Permalink Reply by Ann Edmondson on June 4, 2009 at 2:18am

Fred--you are so right-- God did stop you from making a BIG mistake. Vengence is His. However, I doubt it was the death of your daughter that He was truely doing. Bad things happen to good people because of evil actions of others. Stopping you is the level head of your wife (and her stern looks).

Of course there is nothing that says we can't vent the anger (ie., the rantings) we feel and do regarding matters like this. My step-daughter was molested by her mother's boyfriend. When my husband and I found out about it we told the cops to find the S.O.B before we did. Thank God, they did. Listen to your wife--sounds like she may have the level head in this one.

Even Christ Himself ranted in anger in the Temple Courtyard when he called people thieves and money mongers (paraphrasing this one). So vent all you need to--I'll listen if no one else will............~Ann

Permalink Reply by Robert Tinsley on June 24, 2009 at 9:41pm

i dont think god took her to stop you because as a loveing father you would have stopped yourself think about would you rather kill and take yourself away from your angel i think god neededtheir help somewhere else and the anger you feel is justified but if you did know wouldnt you rather see them go to prison with all the fathers who made bad choices and will never get to hold their children again due to their own mistakes i can promise you they would deal more justice to your child than you taking yourself away and ive learned not to qestion god only know that he needed them more than us i lost four in nine months so while i do not know exactly how you feel i can understand your pain i hope god helps you as he has me and the anger will never go away but try to remember all the good you can and know your child is looking over you right now ((((((((((hugs from one dad to the next)))))))))))))))))))))

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on September 3, 2009 at 3:02pm

hey fred. maybe so. we'll never really know the reason G-d took our children. but yes, maybe her soul had to go for a very specific purpose. you are angry. angry at what happened to her. and angry that she has passed on. but you sound like a good person, with a really good person in your wife too. stick together. do your best in life to do your daughter honour, and to do her proud.
best, jan

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 26, 2011 at 1:34pm

Fred , first let me say...I am so sorry for the loss you feel.  I say the loss you "feel"  because we have not lost them...we know where they are:   my son, Matt went to heaven June 28, 2006 (he was 26) due to a car crash....I have run the full range of emotions....I did not catch how long it has been since your loved one left....but it has been 5 years for me.  The best advice I can give is please don't wait as long as I did to start to deal with the grief....I can't imagine how the hurt of the molestation of a child is, but I do know one thing....It doesn't really matter how they left us, the part that hurts is that they are gone...But I have finally realized one thing...THEY ARE FINE IN HEAVEN WITH THE LORD....we are the ones left behind to miss them.  Take yourself out of the picture for a moment and think any pain she had from the horrible violation or anything else in her life, is totally lifted from her.  She is in complete peace and joy...When Matt first left I thought "He had been robbed" of his life, but he has it so much better than us, I know he would not come back even if he could...and one day we will be with them again...That is what keeps me going.  I know now that The Lord hurts with me, He did not do this, He is not the author of death...He sent Jesus so we would not have to really die, just go be with Him...I want to make Matt proud with whatever time I have

left on earth, I want to "walk to walk" I tried to teach him.  Loving blessings  & praying for peace for you..Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on December 4, 2011 at 10:01am

Hi Fred, I think your wife has the right idea on this one; if, as you say, you feel that your daughter would not want you to go crazy on someone (as much as I understand you wanting to do something), and you have other children to think about too.  I do think that one thing most parents who have lost a child have in common is our inability to keep their child safe.  That is our "job" as a parent, and we failed.  My son died of cancer, and had an amazingly positive attitude about it, even as he knew he might not have more than a year to live.  He was no goodie two shoes, having lived his life fully in his 29 short years here. I am so proud of him for doing what he felt he needed to, and following his heart throughout the entire experience, even if it meant  he wanted to leave the hospital and go home, against the doctors advice.  Still, why couldn't I keep him safe?  It sucks as a parent.  I really felt like going to bed and not getting up, and the first two years it didn't matter that I had other children, my grief was just so intense. I say that with much guilt, because I love my kids more than anything else in the world, but if we are being honest, it is hard to get outside of our own pain during the first couple of years especially.  Slowly I have come back to life to be a mom to my other kids, who are also grown.  I will never be the same, none of us are.  I decided to do something to "pay forward" my son's generous nature, and started a fund for young adults with cancer.  We are sort of like a mini make a wish, giving things like laptops, shopping trips, etc.  I would love to hear more about your daughter, I don't think God took her personally, as I don't think God decides to take one person in a tough situation and let's others live. It doesn't make sense to me.  But I respect other's beliefs.  I do believe, however, that the only thing you have left in all of this is choice.  You can choose how to honor your daughter, and protect her memory.  Your anger is justified, I am just wondering if you put it to good use and do something in her name what that would look like.  Does your ex know who molested her?  Is she moving forward with prosecuting them? This is not something I think you will be able to let go of, so it makes sense to do something positive with it.  Wishing you the best, and hope I don't come off as sounding preachy, because I know we all need to vent, and don't judge what other people do with their grief.  

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on December 4, 2011 at 2:06pm

Hello Fred....I replied to you some time back, and I have not read the other ones....Let me just tell You one thing I do know:  GOD NEVER CAUSES TRAGEDIES TO TEACH US A LESSON...But, HE takes tragedies from the enemy that occur in our life and use them for HIS GLORY!   AMEN, THAT TRULY DEFEATS THE ENEMY! But we all love our children, and as we can see each of our stories is unique.....But when it gets down to it, it really doesn't matter HOW our children, left, one thing holds true for all of us.....THEY ARE NOT WITH US!!!!    We miss them and want them back.  It has been 5 years since Matt, my son left for heaven.  He was 26.  It was a car crash, and it was instant.  It has taken a long time, (But not to the LORD), but HE has healed my grief.  I did not know it was possible to be healed of grief.  But I do believe some of us can get a spirit of grief to come on us, and when that happens it is much tougher to get free from the pain. The Bible says "There is a time to mourn"....but I know now I WILL SEE MATT AGAIN SOMEDAY.....until then I can be thankful He is with Jesus and happier  than I could ever imagine, so really my grief is really all about me..but that is ok.   We are parents, and that's what we do...We love.  But please understand, if the LORD can heal my grief, HE can heal anyone's.  I was where you have said you are or have been.......GOD IS BIGGER THAN OUR GRIEF, I can honestly say, that I can feel happiness, joy in life, yes, I still miss Matt, but who knows what the future would have held?  ONLY GOD.....He knows best.  I am trying to live my life now helping others in their grief and to make THE LORD and Matt proud.....I hope you understand where my heart is on this.  I feel for you, but know there is healing available, and just want others to experience it.  I will be glad to tell you how that happened if you would like to email me:  Blessings. Patti (Matt's Mom)   pmeadowshome@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Bern on May 23, 2013 at 3:51pm

Hi Fred,

Thank you for sharing with us how you feel. So many men are like my husband and will not talk about it. That hurts more than being silence. What are the chances? I add another worry on my plate now. My son left a 2year old daughter and how do I protect her? When my only son was living, he was here and in her life monitoring her life. Now, that my son is gone, what am I going to do. Every chance I get I try to keep her to keep up with what is going on, but I have NO say SO.

Permalink Reply by Maria on July 30, 2013 at 7:54am

Fred, does your loss make you want to stop trying to find justice? I bet your answer would be a firm NO. How about, God took her because it was her time. She was on the earth as a blessing and when the Lord wanted her back- he took her. We are all a gift, lent to each other for a time, but we all go back when it's time. We are to learn from each other. What is the lesson that you learned from your daughter? The lesson would be a good, positive thing about your child...how she lived. Embrace that and make it your own. The molester will get his and probably the mom and others that allowed it. You don't need to bother with it. Trust...it will happen and you may never know what or how it happened, but just like you were blessed with your daughter to effect your life in a positive way- vengeance is the Lord's no matter what you do. Besides, they are all probably shaking in their boots that you will come any day and that should give you the satisfaction that you crave. Acting on it will only hurt you when the point is pain for them. Let the Lord work it out on them.