Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by anna l. on November 12, 2011 at 5:44pm

Robin, how horrible to have to relive such a tragedy.  My son died in his sleep nearly 2 years ago and I still expect the phone to ring and it be him.  After 34 years, 10 of them with him calling me 4 or 5 times a week it is a hard pattern for my brain and heart to let go of.  Life is just so hard sometimes.  Advice?  I dont have much of that, but I can listen and understand your pain.  Some people believe that our loved ones are still close to us and can hear what we say so I talk to my son and my husband all the time.  I just hold their pictures and poor my heart out.  It seems to help a bit.  My husband and I found it very difficult to talk to each other about our son and what happened.  We respected each others need to mourn in our own way but it was wonderful to have him hold me when I was in deep dispair.  Please try to do that for each other.  Snuggle up with your husband in bed when he needs to sleep.  That contact is a miraculous salve for the pain. 

Permalink Reply by Lisa Adams on November 14, 2011 at 7:56am

Hi Robin, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm fairly new to this whole thing myself. My precious girl has been gone almost six months now.  One thing I have learned is that you are probably still in the "numb" phase. Our brain will try it's best to protect us for awhile by keeping us in that "frozen" state and little by little will release us into grief as we can deal with it.  That's why you seem to be ok for a bit and then you become overwhelmed with your grief.  It's truly like a slow roller coaster ride. You'll have peaks where you think "I'm gonna be ok. I can do this." and then you'll have deep valleys where you think the pain will never end.  I know that I'm still in this phase myself, but I can tell you this: so far, for me each new peak is a little higher, a little longer and a little brighter, and each new valley is not as deep, not as dark as the one before.  The nightmares are still there but not as frequent, the times when I want to scream my head off, still come but are not as intense.  I have not had a great support system at home, but I do have friends that have been there for me, though a lot of them have moved on.  I have been to grief counseling and support groups like this one are wonderful.  I pray for you, as I do for us all, for peace in our spirits.  Hugs to you

- Lisa

 

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on November 18, 2011 at 10:16pm

Hi Lisa, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I watched the video she made, how awful that she had to endure what she did. My heart aches for you. I am home alone tonight, and that is when it really hits me that my son, Zach, will not be walking through our front door again. Then I have that horrible gut wrenching pain, and don't know how am ever going to do this. Just like you said. Every morning it hits me, but I manage to go to work and then come home and watch my granddaughters. As long as I keep busy, I am making it, as soon as I let me guard down it hurts so bad. Zach's birthday is on December 16th, he would have been 24. We are having his good friends over that day, the same friends that were with him the weekend he had the accident. They have been  so great to my family, but I have times when I think we are crazy to try and have a get together with every one that day, I know it is going to be so hard. Right after Zach died his friends would come over at night and spend time with us telling us funny Zach stories, they were wonderful. That is why we decided to have them over for his birthday, but I don't know how I am going to feel on that day. Like you said one minute I feel like I can do this, then in another minute I don't think I will ever made it. It helps to know that you have been there where I am, and you are making it. Thank you for your prayers, as I will pray for you too. Hugs to you too. Robin

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on November 20, 2011 at 6:09pm

Robin, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know the pain, agony and heartache you feel. It has been 22 months since my beautiful son Marty was taken from me.  I struggle each day and miss him so much my body aches.  We were so close and he came and ate breakfast with me each morning.  I can't bear every morning when he should be walking in the door. Marty died after a dr performed an aortic valve replacement. He convinced Marty he needed this surgery.  I was always against it and tried over and over to tell Marty to get another opinion.After the surgeon made mistake in surgery he treated me and Marty's family horrible and without any compassion.  Only saying he was in unchartered waters. My family would always  tell Marty it would be okay and the lord didn't bring him this far to let him down now.  (Marty is lying in his grave.).  Marty was 34 and I have been working everyday since his death to get justice.,  Marty had a wife who holds the medical records and won't let me and my husband see them.  We are devastated.  Also my sister and parents never call or come to see me.  I think them seeing my pain is too horrible for them.  But couldn't they take a few minutes of pain when I face it 24-7. I feel so betrayed by my family.I don't think they even want to know what hell I go through each day. All of my other problems pale in comparison to lossing Marty, but it is unbelievable how people who you thought would always be there for you let you down when you are facing the worst times of your life. If they had lost a child I would have been there night and day for them. How will I survive the holidays?  They were important to Marty and we had big celebrations.  Robin I wish you peace and love.  And know I truly feel the pain you experience from your loss of your son.

Permalink Reply by Grace on December 5, 2011 at 9:01am

Mandy..... so sorry for your having to join this group..... that day will always be burnt into your mind.....  It is a long road of grief to loose a child... For me it has been 2 1/2 years....  Every detail of those days gets replayed.... and holiday memories.... sometimes to others... they seem to be haunting... yet I cherish all memories of my Niles... it makes his existence real.   I'm glad you have joined this group... it took me more than 2 years..... and it has helped to have a group where others have felt the depths of despair that we all have felt.   It is a good place to spill your guts... even long after the funeral and others think it is over...it lives with us parents for so much longer.... HUGS!  Don't worry about how much or how little you write here..... this is one place where we are all understanding your need to vent...  Grace

Permalink Reply by anna l. on December 5, 2011 at 1:05pm

Mandy, I am so sorry this has happened.  How very tragic.  Your post was not too long, it is a wonderful tribute to your beautiful daughter and your love of her.  Im very glad you found this supportive site. 

 

Permalink Reply by Kar on December 5, 2011 at 4:41pm

Mandy,    

So Sorry So very very Tragic..!      

Feel free to talk as much as you need,  we are all here for you & understand.      

Thank you for sharing your precious Julianna with us, her video blog on you tube is very touching.  Such a special young lady.  <3   

Permalink Reply by BeccA on December 5, 2011 at 2:05pm

I lost my 36 year old daughter to cancer 1 week shy of one year ago 12/12/10. It's still hard to believe she is gone. Watching her go thru the pain, treatments and hope was excruciating.  During her treatments and surgery, the doctors expressed her chances of survival were very high because of her young age for the type of cancer and seemingly successful surgery, etc.  As a parent, naturally it was horrible not being able to make it all go away.  Her only child turned 3 years old a few months after she died.  Trying to go thru the grieving process while being supportive (psychologically) to her husband and son seems to prolong my own grief.  Jennifer was my second child to die.  Her little brother, Scotty, died 21 years ago when he was 3 1/2 months due to S.I.D.S.  Jennifer was 15 years old.

I am very familiar with loss, the grief and struggle to go on.  I can say that I realize one doesn't "get over" any of it, but learns to live with it.  When my son died, I had 4 teenagers that kept me very busy as I was traveling down that grief road.  This past year since my daughter's death has been quite different since all of my children are living out of the house (our youngest are twins and juniors in college away).  I am blessed with 4 grandchildren that help me a lot, however, there are those quiet times often.  I am not surprised nor think it worrisome that I can break down at different levels from one day to another.  I have noticed that since October when the "holidays season" began, it has been more of a struggle.  I remember the hard time 21 years ago clearly, but it seems a little harder this time.  

I am glad I found this site to talk about it.  I have been annoyed by the seasonal greetings and people saying Happy Thanksgiving/Merry Christmas, etc. and would like to respond..."says who?"  often.

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on December 5, 2011 at 2:31pm

I know how you feel about that "says who?" thing.  My son Matt left for heaven 5 years ago due to a car wreck, he was 26 at the time (He is 31 in heaven now).....But just let me say, that I never knew there was a difference in grieving, and having a "spirit" of grief on you.  It seems for me that other members of my family grieved in a more healthy way than I did...I shut down.....Only when I could not stand the distance between me & the LORD did it change...I didn't really "feel" it, but just could not take the distance between us...I spent too much time "blaming GOD"....Then one morning, I got up knelt by my bed, and just said: "LORD, I don't feel this, but I want to,please turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh".....It didn't happen immediately, but gradually, GOD HEALED MY SPIRIT OF GRIEF!!!!!!  PTL!!!!  I still miss Matt, but now the sky is blue again, I am thankful for the two sons I have here on earth with me & their wives.and my wonderful husband who has truly been "JESUS with skin on" for me....I know now that THE LORD IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING...even our grief...Praise HIS HOLY NAME!!! You may not be like I was, and your grief may be the normal healthy kind, but my was NOT....either way THE LORD JESUS will "HEAL" it...I will pray for you...blessings, Patti (Matt's Mom) 

Permalink Reply by Grace on December 5, 2011 at 4:18pm

Each loss affects us differently... I lost a Husband, a Father and a Son... the worst was a child... although each one hurts but differently...  My first husband and I had only been 2 weeks shy of our first anniversary.... but thought we had our whole life together planned... My father had been ill for so many years.... the phone call was anticipated from so many hospital visits..... But to lose my 14 year old son was a bad joke from God... and I must say I have questionable faith..... Becca.... you had a 36 year relationship with your daughter and a shorter one with Scotty.... painful but not the same.    Each case finds us in a different place in life.   As with Her Children to be so much younger and to lose a MOM.... And  a Husband lose his Wife and Mom to his Child.... I am sure everyone has the world upside down in thier own way.... but it is Your World to you.... Your daughter.... 

I think it is hard for so Many of us to "Get In The SPIRIT"  When we have lost so much spirit in our own lives...

I have my tree decorated because my 19 year old son has made the determined effort to drag it up and decorate it since our Baby of the Family Died 2  1/2 years ago..... yet I have No  ambition to put anything under it.   Don't know if I will ever get it back....   PEACE  might be a better greeting for us......Grace

Permalink Reply by Kar on December 5, 2011 at 4:50pm

Becca, 

So sorry for both of your heart wrenching losses.    I hope you feel comfortable here to talk, scream, curse, or what even you need to do.      the  "says who?"   I feel that way too.  It was been 4 yrs since my precious 16 yr old son Bradley was taken from us in a family auto accident.     Life has not gotten easier it is just longer since I got to hug him.     Holidays are so painful -     wishing you all strength .... !

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on December 5, 2011 at 5:06pm

BeccA, So sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Jennifer and your son Scotty.  I lost my wonderful son Marty January 19,2010.  I really like the response when someone says Happy or Merry..."says who?"  That is exactly the way I feel.  It was horrible getting through Thanksgiving this year. Actually, it was worse than the first one without Marty.  I hate to hear Xmas music and I have been on a downward slide since October also.  Our holidays were always so joyful and happy,but now it is pain and agony.  I did not put up a tree last year and I have not this year - I don't think I ever will again, it's just too painful. Also, I get so tired to people saying my son is in a better place. A good place is here with me! I honor Marty at this time of the year by making a calendar for the following year with Marty's picture on it and put a magnet on the back so people I send it to can put it on thier refrigerators.  It's comforting to be doing something in Marty's honor.  I am so thankful for this website where we bereaved parent can express ourselves.  Becky Loflin, Marty's mama

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