Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tracy Huston on November 25, 2014 at 11:22am

Linda, I am so sorry. Sounds like you have a lot to be terrified about. I know I would be. But the good thing is that - just because your family has a history of letting death ruin their lives, doesn't mean you have to follow suit.  It's natural for everyone to grieve in their own way.. but there's a time where we have to try and move on.. because you know your daughter wouldn't want you to just 'check out' because of her. 

It hasn't been very long so first of all, give yourself a break. It's ok that you're still in deep mourning. It's only been a few weeks!  If you weren't, something would be wrong.  I still can't believe the things people say.. but I think for most of them - they just don't know what to say and we make them uncomfortable so they just blurt out something stupid. They obviously have no idea what you're going thru!   I felt that way too.. for the longest time, ANYTHING anyone said to me made me so angry.. then I realized, they feel they have to say something.. so in my mind- I'm sorry was ok.. but the how are you doing? are you doing better? Like it's a cold or a virus and we'll just POP out of it sometime soon still makes my blood boil!  I'd answer 'I'm here' or 'as well as can be expected' or 'you know...' or I just wouldn't answer.  After my son died I went through a drive thru and the lady cheerfully asked me how I was and I almost told her all about it! It's beyond tough. 

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.. and especially your grandchildren. Hang in there, hon.  I'm new here too but it's so good to talk with those that have been there.. 

Permalink Reply by Linda Wishart on November 28, 2014 at 3:23am

Tracey, i will go back and accept the fb friend request if it is still there, ivebeen so out ifmy mind this past 6 weeks (time goes so fast). I apologize  . Linda Wishart 

Permalink Reply by Linda Wishart on November 26, 2014 at 2:52am

Thank you, it is v e ry late at night but would very much like to chat with you. Would you be interested in sending ne a friend request on facebook and I will accept, then we can use messenger th er e. I am in No. Nevada, you?
Linda

Permalink Reply by Tracy Huston on November 26, 2014 at 8:35am

I sent you a friend request. I saw someone posted that song on your timeline.. I had about 5 people post it on mine when my Jim passed away. Such a sweet song..

http://youtu.be/YNoLJy68ZcE

Dani and Lizzy - Dancing in the Sky

Permalink Reply by Sandy Hendrix on November 17, 2014 at 4:06pm

3 weeks ago today I lost my beautiful 18 year old son. The Mondays are just awful, I miss him so much and I am trying NOT to ask Why...but of course I do.  I failed him because I couldn't help him and I didn't know he went back to the drug.  He used to be so happy..It feels like your heart has been ripped from your body.  I don't want to eat, just feel sick, am trying to force myself to go to work and to eat.  Even though you have so many people to support you I feel so alone.  It doesn't seem like It can be real. He used to be so happy and so funny and had so many friends that would support him.  He did great in rehab.  I can't understand how heroin makes you feel as I have never and would never do it.  I ask why he did every minute of every day.  We are lost without him, he has a 20 year old sister and we all feel like we failed him, yet at the same time we are angry that he would do this to us and we don't think he did it on purpose.  I will join a grief counseling group, I know I need help and it does help to talk to some people and I feel on this site we can help each other.  Everybody keeps telling me one day, one minute at a time and that's all we can do and I cry when I'm alone and I yell at God and then I wipe my face off and try to be strong for a little while longer.  Thanks for listening.

Permalink Reply by Linda Wishart on November 28, 2014 at 3:20am

Sandy Hendrix, i feel so much the same. My daughter passed Oct 14 2014.  Although she didnt specifically take her life that early morning, she did contue to drink after her first pancreatic attack. Her second put her in ICU for 5 days. She spent one day on a general floor of the hospital and was discharged the next morning. She didnt even live 36 hours once home.  Sometimes i think i want to obtain a lawyer, but when her 11 year old found her mothers body, there was an open beer next to her and more in the house. She again wasnt going to quit. I sm a therapist, specialize in neuroscience and sddiction as well as mental health. It is an insidious disease that grabs them buy the neck and directs the life of the addicted whether it be heroin or alcohol,  drugs rip families apart and kills our young. Now if could get my heart and mind to act to what i know intellectually and not to emotion i might stop crying all day every day. Shoot i havent yet attempted to go back to work.

Permalink Reply by Sandy Hendrix on December 3, 2014 at 11:30am

Oh Linda, I'm so sorry...I too understand that somehow it controls their life and that is what I cannot understand, he was so happy..what would make a person lose so much control that alcohol or drugs control everything about them.  He was so mean when he was doing drugs and that seems to be all I can think about.  I guess it helps to try and be angry 'cus if I think of him younger and happy, that especially hurts even more.  I'm at work but I sure don't want to be, it's awful to be here.  I'm so sorry your granddaughter had to find her, that is so awful.  My ex found Randy and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.  I know how I felt when I found him last January passed out with the needle next to him.  Talk about shock, I never would have believed he would ever do heroin, but when he kept taking pills (Zanax and God knows what else) I should have known.  I think even if he went back to rehab he wouldn't have stopped.  I miss him so damn much, I didn't even see him the last month, i'll never forgive myself for that.

Permalink Reply by Ross Hotard on December 23, 2014 at 6:15am

I woke up this morning again, I ask here to take me with her every night before I go to bed, I still here daddy in my head all day. I think about all the times we had. Simple things are taking to long now. When will this nightmare end. I just want to hug her again. I'm suppose to be with her when she's scared. I'm suppose to protect her.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on January 21, 2015 at 11:39pm

THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE!

As I stand over you

I'm watching your lifeless body

Anxiously waiting for a sign that you are still here

And this can NOT be true!

I call your name

I hold your hand

I beg you, please say something to make me understand

I touch your chest

I stroke your face

Now I feel like I'm drifting into outer space

This can NOT be true!

How could it be?

Someone please explain this to me.

You have your whole life ahead of you

So much more for you to do.

I beg you not to leave me

Prove these doctors wrong

Please just sing one of your favorite songs!

I will stand here and wait

I don't care how long!

I love you my son

Don't you know that?

This has to be a mistake

Now, I will live life full of heartache

And yes, Pain

Now I know what it feels like to feel insane!

This can NOT be true.

Permalink Reply by Roberta Annett on May 9, 2015 at 8:26am

Our son Josh was 26, he passed away on 2/15/2015 of accidental overdose. He had struggled with addiction for years. We had paid for inpatient and out patient recovery, took him took Dr.s and finally last year after an arrest we found a spiritually  based 

Program for him. He lived there almost 6 months, always allowed to visit and he did a  outlet times a week for dinner.He has a curfew he followed,he read the bible and began asking the pastors questions. Still he relasped twice, the first in Dec. 2014. He

Went to jail for Christmas and New Years. When he got out he seemed so determined  to stay clean. He talked to me of plans for the future. He had a good job for years, got his certification as a cell tower technician. So making good money he wanted to

Go to his P.O. and see about just serving his jail time, he was ready to start his life. Then it all happened so fast, he called me on Feb. 14 , asked could I take him Monday to his P.O., told him I would, said I love you and hung up. What I didn't know is he was

At an old girlfriends house, he spent the night there with her doing drugs, except  she woke up in the morning, he didnt. There's a couple variations of what happened,  don't think we will know the truth. And does it matter? My youngest son is gone, tomorrow is Mother's  Day. Dustin, my oldest is using drugs, in order to handle the loss and the grief. He says he feels responsible,  he was the older brother,  had he been a better role model.....I think, had I been a better Mom....what I'd give for just one last hug. He was gave the best hugs. 2 mos and 9 days gone today. I'm not the same person, just like in 1989 when my Mom passed away, I became a different person. I'm grateful for rooms like this and support groups like Grief Share.

Permalink Reply by Ammy on May 13, 2015 at 10:07am

Roberta, I can only write words you have heard:  I am so sorry for your loss.  Unlike many that have said those words I know what you have lost and I know what you are going through.  Your loss is very new and you now have a lifelong journey of life without part of you.  All of us here are the same in that aspect but each journey can be a little different for each one.  It is hard, but you will go on and gradually you will start to feel some relief from the intense rawness that is with us in the beginning.  Take it one minute, one hour, one day.  Whatever you can handle at the moment.  Take some deep breaths, cry, scream.  Do not try to suppress your grief.  It's your right to grieve.  It's part of healing.  Enough for now.  I hope I haven't overwhelmed you but I am rushing but wanted you to know that you are not alone and your feelings are perfectly normal.  Sending prayers and hugs. 

Permalink Reply by mmm on May 15, 2015 at 4:51pm

I lost my younger daughter, Chloe, Sunday the 19th of April 2015. She had been ill with gastroparesis (digestive tract paralysis)  for about 6 years.  Her body didn't absorb nutrients or medications normally. We didn't know what it was at first. She was accused of being bulimic, crazy, and a liar. It took about 2 years to even get a diagnosis. Even after a diagnosis it was hard dealing with health care professionals.....but that's a whole other rant.

 

She went on TPN (feeding tube & liquid formula) 3 years ago. It stopped working about 3 months prior to her passing; which is when she went on IV only nutrition. I knew then that the only thing that could save her would be a still relatively new multi organ transplant. All organs...liver, pancreas, stomach, intestines, and kidneys would all have to come from the same donor. Chloe's blood type is O neg. The universal donor, but can only receive her type. She wasn't sick enough to go onto a transplant list until she was IV only nutrition, and by that time her liver had started to fail. The her kidneys, and finally her heart just quit.

 

She passed away at home, in bed with the husband who loves her with all his heart, and their 6 year old daughter sleeping in the next room. As soon as I answered the phone and heard my son in law crying I knew she was gone. Amazingly I stayed pretty calm until I was able to reach my older daughter. She lived a few miles away and was able to go over and see if it was some sort of horrid mistake. It wasn't. My baby, her sister, his wife, and her mother, a woman who was known and loved by so many, was gone after 28 short years.

 

I opted to stay home alone that day. I could barely breathe and I couldn't stop crying. In hindsight I wish I had let my older daughter come and get me. While I felt like I needed to be alone, I think she needed her mother. I did speak with her quite a few times on the phone, but mostly I just cried. I spent the next day with her, her husband and my grandson (age 2) and the day after with my granddaughter.

 

At first it was hard to breathe and my chest hurt, like I had a hole where some of my body should be. I still cry every day and the hole is still there, but it doesn't usually last all day now. I don't really sleep. I'll go to bed and toss and turn, so I get up. I end up watching TV or trying to read and I'll doze for a few hours here and there, then sleep in bed for maybe 4 hours every 3rd day.

 

Mothers day was very hard. I called her cell phone to hear her voice and left her a message. Even though Chloe was 28 she was still my baby. My arms feel so empty. Like when we put them to bed after they fall asleep as we rock them when they are babies.  I can actually feel that weight missing from my arms.

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