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Missing my son .....Its getting worse
I lost my son in July 2011. He had a terrible car accident and was gone by the time emergency and the ambulance got to him. I keep on living in this pain ... of *what ifs* and *had I only * . I have since his passing , slowly but surely , pulled away from my friends . They dont understand and it angers me to see them pretending that they do .
I have one son left now and Im ashamed to say that Im going paranoid every time He and his fiance take a road trip. With Christmas coming up , they will be going on a much deserved holiday , and I will be here at home , by myself. I live alone , with my pets .
Its not a the best time of year to be alone and I can feel myself spiraling down into severe depression. I have lost interest in so many things. Cooking ( which I loved ) I couldn't be bothered with that. Gardening ... I have lost interest in that too .
I avoid people at all costs now days . I find it better and easier for me. I dont want people to pity me , but I do need understanding .
I keep on looking for signs from my son. He was 34 years old and music was his love and passion in life . Every now and again , a certain song that he loved , will play on the radio In the beginning it was so bad I would burst into tears .. Now I stop what Im doing and and just let my memories take me with the song playing.
I have reached a point in my life where I think I just live day to day . No more , No less. Im not taking any medication at the moment.
Current Mood : Lost ... Alone
Views: 121
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lynn Williams on
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Mikad,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 3 1/2 months ago and the pain and heartache are awful. I am dreading winter with the dark days and cold weather. I just live day to day hoping in the future the pain will get softer. My other daughter lives 1500 miles away and that is hard to. We are here for you.
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Permalink Reply by Mikad on
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Lynn , thank you so much for your reply . I am sorry for your loss. We all seem to be in this together but at different stages. For some , I dont know , it seems easier to get over the loss . But the loss of a child , is so very , very hard. This is my second child I have lost . My daughter passed away when she was 10 yrs old. She had cancer. I could see that coming although at the time I didnt want to face it. She was the eldest, and I was left with my 2 sons who were 10 and 7 at the time. Its pure hell , to go to the graveyard and see my 2 babies buried next to each other.
Thank you for being there for me . God Bless
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Permalink Reply by Connie K on
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Mikad
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. To lose 2 children - well it's not right. We shouldn't get to see our children's life end before ours. It's just not right. i feel your heartbreak and am so sorry.I also lost my son in an accident one year ago yesterday. This year has been so so hard but I can't keep dwelling in the what if's. I will lose my mind. I have for so long but I can't anymore because it will change nothing. And I know with all my heart that my son would not want me to do that and I know yours wouldn't either. Although going on with our lives seems pointless sometimes, I just try to take one day at a time and surround myself with spiritual and positive people. Even though you don't want to go out (and I get it) maybe you can find those of like mind to give you some comfort. And try to count your blessings, as hard as that is, even if you feel like dying, remember you still have people who are there for you and love you. If you can find it within yourself to try to feel that love, I hope your heart can start healing.Sending you prayers and hugs.
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Permalink Reply by Michelle W on
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Mikad,
It has been two years and a week exactly... It is definately hard my daughter who is now 21 calls me every night or day on her way home from work to tell me her day and that she is ok.. I panic at everything now . I also avoid everyone I started shopping for a lot of things I need so I don't have to interact with the people who don't understand( almost everyone)... I try to do only the things that I enjoy gardening... Home improvement .. Etc.. And I know in my heart my son would want me not to feel this tremendous pain 24/ 7 so In my mind I show that I can do things but I struggle almost doing things ...I wish that someone could just tell me how to fix this I'm a fixer and this is definately broke ...as far as medication my husband couldn't take it anymore an started anti depressants... They are not for everyone they mad him a zombie.. He didn't feel anymore and he also didn't have the drive to do anything even get out of bed he is now off them the pain is back but he can function with daily life again... So yes it is harder daily I just thrive for anyone who knew my son to just walk up give a hug and say you know he really loved you, you where a good mom.. I really need that.. I hope thing get easier for us all :)
Hugs, Michelle -
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Permalink Reply by Dolly on
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Wow.... its so hard.. my son died suddenly in May one morning.. I have all the feelings you talk about.. the wanting to be alone, the fears for my other two sons and my oldest son's family and my husband.. the emptiness and depression ... the looking for any sign ... the music...my son lived for his music... and even when my other loved ones are around... like they were on Thanksgiving... Brandon is gone and a hole sits there where he used to be and nobody else can fill it... I tried taking an anti depressant but it just made me worse... obsessive, tense, like I was wired to go go go... with no peace, so now I take nothing either... I'm so sorry you lost your son... the 'what ifs' are horrible.... I had another awful day of the guilts just a few days ago... my husband said he could listen to me say all that again but that he was just too spent to go back there again... I understand what he's saying, but just WANTING to be able to put the 'what ifs' aside doesn't make them go away for me... they come on me whenever they want to it seems... like the tears... its not like I try to cry or feel the guilt again.... it finds ME... but everyone's a bit different in finding ways to get through another day... and I agree its barely possible to do it one day by itself... even trying to plan for the future seems to terrify me and make me exhausted.. I feel like I'm just marking time until I die now... I try to find things to do that make me feel alive... like play music on my Q chord, but now everything seems to be working against me, and even that I can't do because it makes my ears ring so loud its maddening... nothing is working anymore...
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