First year anniversary

I lost my son Paul a year ago today. I don't even know how to feel. Mostly I feel numb. I think about the middle of the night call from my daughter that Paul was lost. Now I am lost. 

I spent a long time last night thinking what if. I was going to call Paul that day but didn't. What if I did call and some how he didn't end up going surfing. What if he is still alive somehow, hit his head and has amnesia and didn't drown. What if he got washed out to see and is living on a deserted island like Castaway.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I know all of you feel the same way I do. You are not supposed to have your child taken from you. You are supposed to watch them grow, live their lives, have children of their own and say good bye to you when you are old and ready to go. 

 

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Permalink Reply by Grace on October 12, 2011 at 2:41pm

Cindy ... I am so sorry you are having the 1st Anniversary .... I looked at the Photos of Paul.... what a handsome young man!

It has been more than 2 years since I lost my 14 year old son...  I still have crazy dreams that he is still alive and somehow I search for him like he is lost... I read so many of us mother posts mention all of us searching... for this lost child.   Our minds still can not wrap around this loss... I don't think it ever does. Sometimes I think it is how our brain protects us from experiencing all this raw pain.   We pretend it is not real.... we are mistaken... it is a bad dream.

My son was an organ donor and I was in the hospital when they told me he was officially dead... but he looked the same.  My mind has the imaginations that I still see him alive.. even after he was at the funeral home and I saw his body.... I still have my imagination run wild.

I guess my point is that I think we all can relate to your feelings.... even at more than 2 years out.  And every date or holiday is sometimes hard to live through.   Hugs and understanding

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