Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 2:50pm

I am writing to my boss. She thinks she is a friend but her comments say otherwise. I work in a nursing home as the activities director. I have been in nursing homes ever since I was 16 yrs. old. I love what I do!  Well, lately I have not been getting through my days very well, meaning I start crying and can't seem to stop easily. I took off early Thursday last week to see my Dr. because I have been crying more and I have more pain all over my body! Not a "normal" thing for me. So my Dr. told me to take a week off from work and he put me on Cymbolta along with my other medications. When I called my boss to tell her that I would be taking the next week off, she told me some things that really upset me. She said that I just haven't been my "normal" bubbly self that I used to be. She said that others have noticed this too. She said maybe it's too much for me to be around so much death and maybe I would be better off at a school where there is "more life". I am still in shock. She is a Social Worker that went onto get her Administrator degree and she is now in charge of the nursing home where I work. It's a small home with 50 beds of which about 40 are occupied. I have worked with this person most of my life. I have watched her grow. I have been behind her when things were bad for her. I stuck up for her through many painful times in her life. She too lost a baby to a stillborn birth many years ago. I remember watching her walk through the hallways and wondering how she can still come to work when she knew her baby was dead inside her. What an awful thing to think BUT I was young and dumb back then! Now I think, how can she say these things to me! Doesn't she realize what I am going through??? She said allot more but this is just a taste of what was said.

 I actually think it gets harder because as we go along, we stop being "numb" and start "feeling" more, the more we feel, the more we hurt. No one understands unless you go though it and some don't seem to understand even when they have.

I may lose my job over this but I can't help it. I cannot make myself not feel this pain!!!

Are  you all working? How are you getting thro

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 22, 2011 at 10:57pm

Oh sweet Cheryl! I can not believe your boss said those things, how insensitive! Especially since she too lost her child. Everyone grieves and mourns differently and some of us the same, no one can tell you how to grieve. It's like she was basically saying get over it! I am so sorry that she hurt you like that and from someone that has known you for so long.

Hugs to you!

 

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 23, 2011 at 8:16am

Karen, thank you so much for being soooo understanding!!! This is just what I needed to hear!!! I am so , honored and priveleged to have you as my friend!!!

I just heard Jordan cough upstairs!!! I hear things like that at times. There is no one in the house but me! I hollared his name but no answer. Does that happen to you too sometimes? When Jordan died, I heard footsteps and a lighter click up in his room. He shouldn't have, but he smoked, and I knew it. Others have heard things too in this house when they were visiting me. Sometimes I feel he is right beside me and it's overwhelming because I just want to hold him again and tell him how much I love and miss him!!! I talk to his picture.

 I am going to the cemetary later on today and talk to him there too. My husband hasn't been there yet and just can't go. He is not in the "same place" as I am. He keeps himself very busy and I just can't do that. I am lucky to be able to pay the bills some months, or keep the house clean. How do ppl work??? They must have very understanding bosses.

Well I better go for now but I will keep checking in. Hugs and Peace to you my friend!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 23, 2011 at 12:57pm

Hey Cheryl and everyone. About 2 weeks ago, I heard my son say "hey mom" as clear as a bell. I searched the closet in my room for him, it sounded like he was right there. I don't share those things with everyone, accept my 20yr old and 7yr old daughters because they have similar experiences, so I know that they don't think I'm crazy and I know this is a safe place for me to talk about things........thank goodness!!!!

I go to the cemetery very often, depending on my mood, sometimes I go everyday. I  even went the very next day after my son's funeral, I went in disbelief that any of this had even occurred. Every single time that I drive there, my anxiety increases the closer I get there. I enter through the gates and I still can't believe that I am actually coming there, most times it makes me feel like throwing up, I become more angry. Some people would say, well why do I go there so often. I go because my baby is there. Somewhere in my irrational mind, I have hopes of finding him lost there, I try to convince myself that he came out of his coma and was able to "escape'' when everyone left the burial. Then, there are times when my rational mind tells me me that this is my son's final resting place. It's like I have a driving force in me to get there to make sure everything is right.....I pull up the weeds, and water what needs to be watered. I leave balloons and laminated cards and notes. Sometimes I sit for hours, I keep chairs in the trunk of my car. I feel like no one else will maintain with love the way I do. I know the people in the office there probably hate me because I will file complaints when i feel like the grass and the weeds are out of control in the section that my son is in.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 23, 2011 at 5:05pm

Hello everyone, I apologize for ending my posting so abruptly. As I was typing, the earthquake started!! My chair started rocking, I had no idea what was going on, we NEVER have earthquakes. I sent my children outside while I quickly gathered what I thought was essential and we sat in my car. Anyway, thanks goodness we are all ok here.  

As, I was saying, everyone as mixed emotions about going to the cemetery. Like my youngest son that is now 16, he has no desire to go to his brother's final resting place, he said that would make it seem real to him and he has not accepted it, he tells his self that his brother is away on a "trip" somewhere. I don't force it on him. My sister in law's son passed away when he was only 10 months old, he would have been 17 yrs old this month and she said that she will NEVER put a monument stone at his resting place because she can't bear the thought of reading her son's name. For me, I read my son's name over and over again, in total disbelief. When I am there,  I tend to others that are buried next to and near to my son, I water their flowers and bushes and also pull up there weeds. I think I may go so often because I feel like I just left him there, I feel like he needs to know that I have not forgotten him. To each his own.

Thanks for your support and love.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on August 23, 2011 at 9:35pm

I am like your son who says his brother is on a trip somewhere. That's exactly how I get through my days. I live in total denial. I got myself believing at times that she just might come walking through the door one and tell how amazing her trip was. I have a time accepting the truth. So, I just live my life this way. Jessica always wanted to go to Alaska but never made it there ,so my youngest daughter tellsd me "Mom J is ok cuz she's in Alaska playing with the polar bears" :) I sit here and try and picture her running around with the bears :) I'm like your sister n law...I couldn't do it either. My daughter was cremated and she rests here with me. It's better for me. Like you,your reasons for going often so he doesn't feel you left him or forgot about him..is the reason why she's here with me. As hard as it is to walk by it everyday and know that's my beautiful daughter in that damn thing , at the same time she's always with me. As you said "To each his own " :) With pictures..I stare at them in disbelief that she's gone. I look at them and look at them and think OMG she's really gone..Is she? Look at that beautiful girl there's no way she's gone.She's coming through the door any minute now! Come on Jess I'm waiting for you!!...and then BAMM reality slaps me right in the face for just a slip second and then the denial kicks in. Im like nope she's NOT gone ..just away for a little bit..but away TOO long. I don't know his I'm making since or not. Sometimes I just ramble. These things are in my thoughts all the time but I can't always put them in the right words when I try to let it out. I just know I'm dying inside a little more for everyday that goes by that she is not here. When her obituary was in the paper I must have read it a million times! Just kept thinking NOOOOO this is NOT right !! Someone made a terrible mistake!! Why is her name here!! Someone fix it!! It's NOT her!!

I'm so sorry your son had to leave so young. My daughter was young too only 21. I never use the dreaded "D" word..you will see me refer to her being gone using the words "leave" or "left". Very rarely do I say passed away. When ppl ask where she went when I say one of those words ,I have to explain that she past. That dreaded word is too final. I CAN'T and will NOT accept that.

I'm sorry for you and all the other parents out there that are dealing with the horrible nightmare that we will never wake up from :(

God Bless

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 24, 2011 at 10:29am

Oh wow Julie!!! I have those same feelings much of the time!!! I am so sorry about Jess!!!!! Words cannot express the hurt that we feel!!! It isn't right and it isn't fair!!! I want Jordan to come home everyday!!! Sometimes I feel comfort and peace when I am in his room but it doesn't last long. People say, "he will always be with you" or "you carry them with you all the time", "he is in your heart". Well that is true but I want to see him and feel his hug and tell him face to face that I love him!!! I feel like I am dying inside too and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!! Unless you are going through the same thing!!! Thank God we have each other!!!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 24, 2011 at 9:57pm

Hey Julie,  some days, I too, try to convince myself that none of this happened. You are NOT rambling, it's good that you are talking about your thoughts. I totally understand.  I think to myself that this is some crazy dream that I can't wake up out of.  Every time and I do mean every time that I am out in public, especially if I am riding in a car, I still catch myself desperately looking for my son, whose ever with me, has no idea what I am doing.  I need to believe that this is a big mistake.

For me, that dreaded "d" word is unbearable, it definitely sounds too final.  I am more comfortable to use passed away or more preferably, passed over. Sometimes I refer to my son as having "left" me but then I think about how he would have never left me intentionally......no matter how mad he could have ever been with me, so I try to avoid saying it because i don't want him to feel uneasy. Sometimes I do wonder if my son is angry at me for terminating his life support or if he's angry for having his life snatched away at such a young age.  For me it is still hard for me to use "gone" because I can't accept that he is, the bottom line is that any word they we may choose, doesn't give us what we all want........our children back, safe and unharmed. I wish I could believe that he is "OK" and is resting peacefully. Since he passed over, I always had thoughts of him crying for me, which was torment beyond anyone's wildest imagination but lately, I don't hear him crying.

Thanks again to you and for all that are listening, it means so much!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 24, 2011 at 8:51am

Wow Karen! Sorry that you had to go through that!!! I have never had that experience!!! What a scary thing!!! Are you alright? And the kids? I really do understand your feeling of "just leaving him there". When I was at my sons wake, I would not leave him there and my husband and some friends had to almost carry me out!!! All I kept thinking was, "are you all nuts?!?! I can't just leave him here and not stay with him!!!" We now have a picture of him on his stone and I talk to that picture but it really isn't the picture that I talk to, I know he can hear me! I know he knows how I am feeling and where I am, anytime, day or night! I have to believe that! If you haven't read the book, "Heaven is for Real" and if you can do it, read that book! It really helped me allot!!! Hugs and Prayers!!!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 24, 2011 at 10:42pm

Cheryl thanks for the book that you recommended.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 25, 2011 at 7:14am

You are very welcome! Hope you find it as healing as I did.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on August 23, 2011 at 10:22pm

Karen,

I do that I go out at night and lay a blanket on her grass and just lay there. Sometimes I fall asleep.Every time I am there I can't believe this is my life. Her stone isn't there yet but I drove up to see it. I had to pick the colors for the butterfly. It was very tough seeing my baby's name carved in stone. We also take care of the surrounding graves and mow the grass ourselves if it gets to high

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