Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I loss my 21yr old about 14 months ago, due to him riding his friend's motorcycle. Time has not even begun to ease my pain or my anger. It may sound irrational, but I am really angry that the world is "going on" WITHOUT my son. When they told me that there was nothing left that they could do for my son, I felt like the sun and the moon should never rise again. I felt like I passed away with my son. I want him back.
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Good morning Karen,
I know exactly what you mean. I go through the same thing every second of everyday. There is no relief from the pain. I also feel tortured. The joy of her birth and how she would hold her little arms straight up in the air when she started walking. Her hauling butt down the driveway on her little purple car when she was 2. I have so much wonderful memories of my beautiful little girl. She had such a wonderful personality and sense of humor. She would do these silly little dances..even at the age of 21 lol..I found a video of her when she was 20 doing some crazy dance and you can hear me in the back ground laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pee myself lol. By watching the video it made my pain worse because now this is all I have. Videos,pictures and memories. Never again to make new ones. Although I was not with her the morning she left me I am tortured by the vision of her sitting on the floor next to her boxes she was trying to unpack and looking like she was sleeping. That is how my oldest daughter found her. I hear my oldest daughter screaming to me in the phone that Jessi is d..d..(I can't even say the word... i was an hour away from her. I keep thinking if I could've got there sooner she would've known I was there and woke up even though she had been gone for a couple hours at least. I just kept thinking for me she would start breathing again and wake up. I don't know how we are suppose to just accept the fact that this is a part of life. I'm sorry but I don't believe that losing a child should be a part of life. No parent should have to go through the pain and torment we go through every second of every day. Our minds never rest. It's almost like an obsession..it's something that never goes away and never gets easier. I will never accept this I will never understand. There is no healing this broken shattered heart. Like you ,this torture will never end. We are trapped in this world of saddness and sorrow. I want to see her again so bad that I imagine her walking through the door or catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. One day not too long after she left me I was on my mail route and thinking of her and starting singing some Cher song that she used to goof around to and I sinced something next to me and there she was sitting right there singing away with me. I pulled over and was hysterical. She was there for just a brief moment but she was so beautiful and happy. We used to sing together all the time when we'd drive. Oh Karen how do we go on. How do we survive without our babies. I also have the same problem with my mind. It really does do horrible things. It makes me believe she's not really gone..but then it snaps me back into reality. I have so many things too that go through my mind constantly. All the what if's anad why's. So many things just won't go away. Like the smell at the funeral and the feeling on my hand when I stroked her head. I can't get off my hand what I felt. I Just so many things..even in life. The feel of her hugging me.Riding bikes together. Her last Mothers Day with me she bought her and I each matching bikes and we'd ride all around the neighborhood together and she'd be snapping pictures of me while riding lol. What a precious little angel I have. She was my angel in life and now she is my guardian angel. It's getting so close to the date when I lost her that I just can't bear it. I want to just skip past August entirely. I'm losing my mind. Thank you for listening. I just needed to vent a little as well. I share your pain. God Bless
Hugs
Julie
Oh sweet Julie! I know, I know ! I have no idea how I am surviving either. Just today I was in Mcdonald's with my little one and as we were sitting down and I became fixated on a boy that reminded me of my 21yr old son. I became so emotional as my tears started to flow, I imagined that he was my son with his friends, I watched with envy as they laughed and talked, I tried to hide that I was watching his every move. My 7 yr old caught what I was doing and asked me to please not cry. I thought I was the only one that cant say or write the dreaded "D" word, passed away or passed over sounds less harsh, even though when I tell people that my son passed away, it still sounds foreign to me, it makes no sense. It's still difficult for me to speak of my son in the past tense, I speak of him in the present tense, because he is my baby and will always be my baby.
Thanks.
I always just say she "left" anything else really does sound foreign and so final. I know what you mean. I thought I've seen my daughter walking down the street before and I got so excited I'm like there she is..she's coming home. I don't have to look for her anymore. How hard that must have been for you to see that boy. I don't even allow anyone around me to say to "D" word. My family has learned that the word "left" is what I have to use. Jessica is included in our conversations everyday no matter what it is. Just like she's here. Jessica was also 21. She left me 1 month and 2 days before her 22nd birthday. August 13th will be 2 years since she left me. I hope one day we can figure out how to deal with our paing. There are and will always be our babies. I sit on my front porch alot and talk to her. My youngest so name the brightest star after Jessica so that's what I look at when I talk to her. I keep a journal now so I can write letters to her or just angry words or sad words. Just whatever I'm feeling. I feel like such a failure as a mom because I couldn't save her. I ask her all the time why she left me. We'll get through this together.
Hugs
Julie
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