Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on April 29, 2011 at 3:00pm

thanks norma, i go to counseling and i talk about things as much as possible but it sems as if i wont even be able to get closure until i find out  who murdered my son. i know and trust God to do thatfor me. thank u for your prayers

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 1, 2011 at 12:22pm

Greetings Marti, I am so sorry, once again, to hear about your tremendous loss. Always willing to listen to you and all others.

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on May 4, 2011 at 6:25am

thank u

Permalink Reply by Karen Custy on April 29, 2011 at 3:33pm

Hi Karen

I am so grateful for this group..although I don't post often, I come her often to readh what others are experiencing..we all grief differently and slowly...time stands still for the pain in my heart never ceases...

I lost my daughter Lisa almost six months ago to breast cancer...she was only forty. And then so unexpectedly my husband lost his son two and a half weeks ago. He got a phone call from the police saying that his son had passed away ...he was mentally struggling with depression and had overcome alchololism but started drinking again a few weeks ago and the combination of his medications and the alcohol ended his life. My husband was devastated. Now we are both grieving the loss of our children.. My daugher had coancer for two hears so I was expecting her death to some extent but never could accept it. My husband got blindsided by the death of his son and they were somewhat estranged for several years so it is even harder for him now as he is feeling guilty and jpunishing himself, tormented by the thoughts that he was not close to him. I sometimes question a God who would give so much grieving to both of us within a six month period. I have almost given up caring about anything. I do nothing but think of my daughter and her birthday is coming up on May 9th just the day after mother's day. It will be so hard for me. Thanks for sharing and caring about others and giving us a place to come when we are feeling so alone.

Permalink Reply by Karen Custy on April 30, 2011 at 10:19am

Hi Norma

Thank you for you message ....it is comforting when people reach out and share their feelings and struggles with outhers..I appreciate everyone here...And yes, there are days when I go from moment to moment, the sadness so overwhelming I can't do anything. It's like the pain immobilizes me, I'm stuck in it and can't get out...and then there are times when I laugh about something and feel totally guilty. I know my daughter would not want me to be like this. She was always about smiling, making the most of every moment and making the best memories that count. But without her here I can't feel anything but pain and sadness. Just when I think I will have at least one day that I can get through without crying and feeling so depressed, I get hit again with another rush of emotion. I feel like giving up. If it weren't for the love and support of my husband I don't know what would happen to me.Thanks so much for being there..

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 1, 2011 at 12:14pm

Hello to everyone. I definately can relate to this type of pain. It's to the point where I try not to count how long ago my son passed away. Even as I am writing this, my anger and sadness are overtaking me....just simply writing  M Y   S  O  N  " P  A S  S  E  D    A  W  A  Y" doesn't sound real to me, I simply can NOT accept it. It's difficult, almost impossible for me to say that my son " D  I  E  D", that word sounds so harsh and so final to me. Now, sometimes, I am starting to regret that I placed a monument or gravestone at my son's final resting place. I didn't feel this way before but now when I go to the cementery ...........several times a week, when I read my son's name on that piece of granite, I feel like I am in the twilight zone and that it can NOT really be my 21 yr old son's name! This is such a bad dream. When I am driving around or walking around in the store or the mall, I get so caught up in searching for my son. This is my biggest torment, I look for boys his age that could remotely look like him, I look at their build, their height, their clothes and their walk......hoping that I will find my son lost somewhere. When I have noticed someone that truly reminds me of him.... I can't help but stare, I fight off my urge to give them a big hug. I don't want to get arrested lol!  All jokes aside, the worst part of it is, sometimes I imagine them in their casket at their funeral with their mothers sobbing and weeping uncontrollably over them. Other days, I just convince my self that my son is away in school or on vacation somewhere faraway. I still leave him messages on his cell phone. Thanks for listening, again.

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on May 4, 2011 at 6:24am

karen R, i also look at other boys wholook like my 21 yr old son wo died almost 4 mos ago. I still get angry when i say that too, its like me saying "Matthew is dead" is so freakin unreal yet its real and i get even more angry when other people bring up the murder,  I also wanna hug boys who look like my son. I was in the grocery store and the bagging boy was about Matthews age and i asked him how old he was and if he liked his job then he turned where i could see his name tag and of course what did it say "Matthew" i know he thought i was crazy cause all i could do is walk out of there. I love being able to write this stuffdown here because some days i feel so alone with my pain then i come here and there u guys are. KNOWING exactly how i feel. It makes a difference for me.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 5, 2011 at 5:53pm

Hey Marti and all others, I had a similar incident like that happen to me in Walmart. I spotted this boy on a line next to me and I became fixated with him. I became so overwhelmed with sadness that I had to run out of there and try to catch my breath. Some days I feel like I am being punished. I still keep trying to think of ways to "FIX" this!  My son use to work as a stocker in a supermarket on the night shift and one night when I went to the supermarket, there were a bunch of guys working, stocking the shelves. I started to sob uncontrollably, after I had tried so hard to control it, I exploded with tears and I started wailing, several people rushed to my aid and asked me was I ok and of course I screamed 'NO, my son is gone, my baby is gone!!!!!!" These were strangers and they felt so bad, 2 ladies helped me to my car. I sat in my car for a good hour until I calmed down enough to drive. That incident happened after my son had passed away 14 months prior. All of my days are bad but some are worst than others. This pain is brutal. Thanks for listening and caring.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 5, 2011 at 6:19pm

Thanks Maria and all members. People who have NOT experienced this don't realize this emotional grief rollercoaster ride we are on. I want to get off of this ride!!! I still leave my son text messages and I always ask him to lay down next to me in bed. I still cant speak of him in the past tense.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 18, 2011 at 4:06pm

Karen, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved son. I have read through your post from the last few months and I am amazed that you are able to put into words all the thoughts and pain that are all jumbled in my head. Thank you for this discussion. I have been helped greatly by some people on this grief site and it helped me so much to read your words and just know that you get it. I understand it is a process but I just want my baby back. I too want off this ride.

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 18, 2011 at 4:35pm

Greetings Sandra. Thank you so much for your support. It truly saddens me that this world allows these tremendous losses to occur, especially parents losing their child. It always happens to "someone" else......I never thought I would be the part of the "someone" else. I must agree that this site and others I'm sure, provide "help".......if there is such a thing, by having our feelings and thoughts validated. No one here would ever say to me, "ok, Karen , stop it, its enough, move on!" I do not believe that I will ever be able to move on so to speak but some how I will keep finding the strength to get through this everyday forward.  My biggest strength, sadly to say, has been all of you guys. It is so difficult, if not impossible to express my pain to others who have not walked in my shoes. Some people are amazed when I tell them that my pain has NOT lessened one bit. How can you find comfort in losing your child? What answer is acceptable? I have truly learned that I totally took for granted that I would always have all of my children and that they would bury me. Some days I get mad at my son for not listening to me when I begged him not to ride his friend's motorcycle but it doesn't last because deep down I know that he is sorry and that he would have NEVER volunteered to lose his young life at only 21yrs old. My heart will forever be broken.

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on May 18, 2011 at 5:21pm

I get mad at Kasey sometimes too. Everyone in my family used to make fun of me because I would drive way out of my way to avoid a left turn with no light. We live in a rural area that all roads are dead ends and the only way out is to turn onto a 2 lane road with a speed limit of 55 and no lights to slow down traffic. We live in Florida and even though the construction has slowed down we are still surrounded by subdivisions that add way too much traffic to the road. I have been driving for 30 years and sometimes I would have to sit at the stop sign for a full 5 minutes before I would see an opening to go left. Anyway the reason I get mad is, I told Kasey at least 100 times to take a particular road out because it is easier. You could take a right and then a quick left to get to town. It maybe would add another 30 seconds to the ride. She went to work at 6 am at Kohls. She came home at 12:18 to grab some cash. She then went the exact way  I told her not to go. According to the Florida Highway Patrol she did a tap and go at the stop sign and pulled right out in front of a truck at 12:24.This was Tuesday April 12th. She was Bayflighted and lived till Thursday April 14th. I just don't understand why she would go that way but you are right. I can't stay mad, she never would have done it if she knew she would die at 20 years old. She was just a kid in a hurry to get lunch with a friend. She was my only child and had no kids. My heart too is forever broken.

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