Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 24, 2011 at 10:07pm

Hey Sandra, thanks for sharing, I know how hard this is. This is all so crazy, how do we get through each day?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 24, 2011 at 8:42am

Hey Karen and everyone! I can relate to what you are saying. I have heard my sons voice and have gone to his room to check and see if he maybe was allowed by God to come back home. Then I think maybe it was all just a nightmare and he really is here. I go through all of those feelings. I also think maybe one of these times when my son sees me at the Cemetery he might be able to come and be with me even if only for a moment. I think of that when I spend time in his room too. I understand your thinking your son maybe "escaped" when everyone left the burial. It's just all so unreal and unfair! His friends go about their lives as before. They get to live, my son doesn't??? How is that fair!!! I have such ups and downs and just when I think I am doing ok, something triggers an emotion and there I go again! Tears tears and more tears. Please tell me how do you work at a job when you are so emotional at times? I also know what you mean by no one being able to take care of your sons things like you can. I think, at least for me, I want to be able to still do "something or ANYTHING" for him and that's one place where I still have a little control. My anxiety increases as I get closer to my sons resting place as well. I understand that! For me it's because I don't want to believe it's true! I think if I go there and I see his grave, then it has to be true BUT if I go there and it's not there, then it was just a bad dream! Then I have the rational thinking going on and it's getting in the way of my dream world, where everything is fine and he is just gone away for awhile. Thanks for listening!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 24, 2011 at 10:38pm

Hey Cheryl. it's good but also so sad to hear that I am not the only that had thoughts and hopes of my son "escaping".  I agree about feeling like my son's resting place is something that I can do for him and control. It's funny how as much anger, sadness and anxiety I feel at the cemetery, is as much as I feel  peace there, I feel like my baby is there, I don't like leaving him there, I become overwhelmed with the thoughts of all the others that were laid there before my son and the ones that have come after. It just confirms to me what I have always known and felt since I was a little girl..........in our "end", it doesn't matter if we are male or female, or what age we are, or what material things we may possess, or what our financial backround is, or what political party you follow,  if we are homeless or live in a palace, or if we are a house keeper or a physician, or what color we are, our religious or non-religious beliefs are......so before our "end" comes, in this life, these things should not matter now. It seems so simple and easy for me because I have always lived my life this way but being at the cemetery truly confirms it all.

Hugs to everyone!

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 25, 2011 at 8:05am

Hi Karen. I am so sorry but I didn't see this yesterday. I certainly would have answered right away. I just went out to the cemetery yesterday. I don't go as often as I used to. I don't work right in that town anymore and I am so exhausted just from the everyday stuff that I have no more energy to spare and it takes energy for everything anymore. I just wanted to tell you I agree with what you said about the  material things that don't matter after you're gone and we should just be kind, caring, giving, loving and nurturing while we are here on this earth. I too feel the feelings that you expressed. When I go to the Cemetery, I still find peace among all the sadness too. These feelings are so strange sometimes. I can laugh and  cry almost at the same time! Sometimes I look around and think, wow I hope no one is watching me because they'd think I lost my mind! Well, I have, along with everything else that is precious to me! Well, you know what I mean....

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 25, 2011 at 11:03pm

Hey Cheryl and everyone! I know Cheryl, I feel like I am crazy already lol!.....but trust me. I don't care too much. This is NOT my choice to be this way. It is amazing how you can find peace mixed with the sadness at the cemetery, even if it is only short lived. My son's final resting place is about a 5 minute car ride, its very local and I am not working, I have been out on medical disability, so I have nothing but time, unfortunately and fortunately.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 2:54pm

Hi Karen and yes that is a picture of my beautiful son. Is that a picture of your beautiful son too? They are so  precious!!!  If we could only see them one more time....but then we would never let go... I guess that would be ok too!!!

Permalink Reply by Sophia on August 18, 2012 at 10:53am

yes it seems that my sadness is intensifying. Partly because the 1 year anniversary of his passing is approaching also because of other changes and un-knowns currently effecting my life which are out of my control.  He & I were so close and so alike.  I feel as if I will never be the same and I can not even begin to imagine the remainder of my life without Jimmy.  People don't seem to understand & that just aggravates my pain and sadness.  I have 2 other children which are the only reason I am holding it together at all. I do feel as if I'm losing my mind at times.  I know what I'm feeling is normal, I see a grief counselor who has helped me understand some of this nightmare a little more clearly.  Some of the reactions & comments I've heard from both people "close" to me and aquantances have just made my sadness worse. How can't people understand - these are people who are also parents. People have major denial regarding so many things in life - their health, their life styles, thier children.  My point is that people tend to have this false sense (denial) that it won't happen to them. One never knows when ones time is up and each + every moment with our loved ones is a blessing.

Someone I regard as my best friend, i've known her for 30 years since 6th grade, asked me if I think Im depressed because of a possible inbalance of chemicals in my brain associated with my own drug use through the years ( I was molested at 13 and unfortunately did not have any support system so I resorted to drug use on and off for many years - never used while pregnant or nursing) never the less I was so taken aback by this question/comment.  My oldest child died just 9 months ago ( of a drug overdose ) and you think my depression is caused by my drug use. Just another stab in my chest, as if I don't have enough feelings of guilt! She is a mother of 3, her teen child is a bit troubled and her youngest has A.D.D. and she is in denial if she thinks she is immune to the possiblity which I WOULDN'T WISH ON ANYONE, EVER!!

My point is the pain and sadness are so intense and peoples insensitivity only makes it all the more  difficult to deal with.  I miss my son Jimmy more and more each day - my heart is broken!!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 19, 2012 at 1:47am

Dear Sophia, my heart is with yours and all of us that are feeling this pain.

Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on April 19, 2013 at 12:14pm

i was molested , i also was a drug user and my daughter died of a drug overdose nd i belive that we are diffrent kind of parents you and i share alot my child was 18 and her and i were near clones we always felt like misfits , i recall her saying hey mom we having the black sheep thanksgiving this year and she laughted , we loved to read we loved coffee we loved the night hours we loved learning and computers we understood each other and since i lost my mom year before amber she was the only i had left that understood me and that i understood now im alone all thou i do have four other children and grand children , people are stupid , insensitive and clueless , i had one of my friends from when i was 18 whom i surrogate a child for say to me one month after amber died ok guys time for you to start getting over this , move on she said i was shocked i said get over it Stephanie really ?? if tomorrow Allison died would you be able to get over it?? would you be able to cope with the fact that she sits on your shelf in a box now only ashes is whats left ? go home think about it please she never  came back and im perfectly fine with it i never had friends was always a loner any how ...my heart is broken the woman i was is gone i cant wait till my time comes that is the only thing i look forward to now ...

Permalink Reply by linda hernandez on February 21, 2013 at 5:29pm

i lost my son to cancer on Aug 21 2012, i had to make the dission to pull the plug.but my problem is i wasn't in the room when he took his last breath,and now i feel worthless,i feel that with the time it took him to die why didn't i know he was sick.he was emotional and mentally impaired had the mind of a 15 yr old but was 39 he would never see a Dr other when he was young and i had control,he died in two weeks of a rare form of cancer he would never have recovered even if they did catch it early.i walk my house lonely wanting to find him i cant and the tears begin. 

Permalink Reply by Barbara Palko on March 31, 2013 at 6:21pm

I know the feeling and my son just died March 14,2013 and I feel so alone and angery that he gone. my friends don't understand the paini'm going through they have not lost a child.and my other son doesn't want to talk about losinghis brother and best friend. so I can't deal with this.

Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on April 19, 2013 at 12:19pm

my daughter was 18 her sister 16 same thing she wont talk about it she lost her best friend and sister she s gone from being excellent student to horrid , she use to make such good great choices now she is doing every i dont want her to do self sabotage and she refuses to talk about it her pain is so great she feels like if she talks about it she to will die it hurts her so bad....there is no fix only one day at a time most days are bad some days are worse then that ...im sorry for your loss

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