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Comment by Linda Engberg on June 24, 2020 at 7:29am

Hi Joe,

You are right that very few people know how we really feel. Unless they had a wonderful marriage that we had with our spouses. Most people in life do not get to enjoy what we had with our spouses and it really makes it hard to find a group that understands.

In all my 8 eight years since losing Julian this site is the closest I have found in a support group. 

At least we have a few people who understand how we all feel and support us.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 23, 2020 at 6:51pm

Dear Linda,

I thought about you yesterday and almost PMd you but as usual, paralysis sets in when ever I try to do something.  The only sure thing I do daily is my devotional two to three hour visit to the cemetery every day.  Other than that, my waking moments are nothing but suffering, talking to Her and watching her pic slides till I can't keep my eyes open anymore and fall asleep.

I know that very few ever experienced what we had.  Although Babie could never substitute for Julian. she did bring love back into your life, and now she is gone and you're alone.  I know how it feels to be alone even though we have four children and eight grands.  I talk to each about once a week and stop at one daughters house for coffee once a week.  Other than that, here I am in my jail cell waiting for that bus to arrive.

You and others here have waited longer than I and I am so afraid that I may have to wait long as well, even though I'm not at all a healthy person.  I just wish my body would know that and along with the perpetual stress I'm in, why won't it just give up?

I'm living on mostly Ensure now because I have no appetite and most foods seem to make me sick.  I need nourishment to go to the cemetery.

In a way, I have no actual family.  Our children have their own families.  The origin of the word Family comes from the Latin word "familia", meaning, "members of a household".  After our children married and started their families, my Love and I was our "family".  Yes we loved them all dearly and saw them often.  Now that She is gone, not so much.  Not because they don't love me, they do.  They now grieve my grief.  I'm not a good pretender so it's like I'm a downer.  They know my wish to reunite with Her is what I wait for and a couple of them openly admit they pray that my wish comes soon.  They do that out of love for me, because they know how badly I suffer.  I was never as strong as She was and perhaps She might had been able to still bring a little joy into their lives because She was "THE LIGHT".  I just can't do that.  Don't get me wrong, I do and will attend "family" gatherings (mainly, holidays, graduations, and Grands Bday Parties), but they know how I feel inside.

After losing your Julian, Babie became your family and now you lost her.  Your "family" suggest you get another dog thinking it might make you feel better.  They mean well and it would make them feel better if they thought you felt better.  They don't understand.  The only way anyone could understand, is to actually be us for a few minutes.

Sometimes I wish there was a separate group for people like us because since joining about two years ago, perhaps ten to fifteen will post sort of regularly.  371 members?  Not really.  Hopefully some caught the Right bus already.

I will pray for your reuniting with Julian and Babie regularly.

Joe 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 23, 2020 at 2:17pm

Hello Group,

Haven't been on in awhile since losing my fur-baby soulmate Babie J. Dealing with her death has been just as devasating as losing my Dear Husband. A year after he died I rescued my 9 year Babie J. She was an emotional service dog and I have to say she rescued me. She was by side 24/7. Her love was unconditional and so was mine to her. It has been two months and l am an emotional wreck. When she died my family said they were there for me. What a bunch of bullshit. All they would say is, you had her for 6 years, you can always get another one and now they just fluff me off. I don't think there is any one out there that understands that she was my canine soulmate and in my opinion you only have one soulmate and as with my Dear Husband there will never be another.  You just don't replace them. 

I am so glad for our group because we are the only ones that understand what we are going though. I feel the reason for that is they never had what we had. We were so blessed to have the kind of love that only a chosen few understand. 

I don't do anything that will prolong my living on this insane world of ours. Hopefully God will end this soon.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 13, 2020 at 5:39pm

Hoping, hoping, hoping.  I don't know if I'm losing it but every day is worse and worse.  While I won't suicide myself, nothing says I have to take care of my body.  I won't go into detail about that.

Been getting abdominal pains here and there around the belly button.  Lo and behold while I was going over some old docs from a few years ago, not looking for anything in particular, I saw a folder "medical records".  I opened it and it was 29 pages of my records.  I browsed through them and noticed that 4 years ago, my cardiologist ordered a kidney sonogram.  He never mentioned it to me but the results were an Abdominal Aneurysm. That's how my father died.  Looking at symptoms, pain around the belly button is one that they say go to ER.  LOL!  I spend every day in constant suffering, and no to the new site owner, I don't want help.  I want to go where She went.

I have so many conditions, list is too long to post but it's unbelievable that I wake up in the morning.  Chest pains, groin pains, abdominal pains, upper back of leg pains, headaches, neck pains, sometimes in the bone pains now too.  I say BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON, and it doesn't happen.  I know it will someday but it's really unbearable day after day.  Even my children who love me dearly are praying that I go to her knowing how much suffering I endure constantly.

I'm grateful for the gift of albeit briefly going to the other side, but that intensifies my wanting it NOW.  I feel sad for all of you waiting to be reunited with our Loves and wish you had the experience I had.  I truly believe it will happen and can only imagine how horrifying it is for all of you, not believing, or should say just hoping it will happen.  Most, if not all of you have waited much longer than I, but we share a common bond.  Suffering.  Trapped in our bodies.  Perhaps someday, science will advance to the point of studying only what they see to the things they can't see.  There are some out there but very few.  Here is a link to one of them.  Read the whole thing.  Concentrate on the True Love our Loves had, and still have for us blissfully waiting for our reunion.

https://www.iands.org/research/nde-research/important-research-arti...

Joe

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2020 at 1:42pm

I don't know about the rest of you but this being alone without the love of my life is getting harder not easier.  Yesterday I pulled out my will.  I seem to be less able to withstand the buffeting of everyday forces.  It's not that all-the-time crush like it was the the first five years. Now it's because I just don't see the worth in continuing to do all the things that go wrong when I don't have the mental motivation to do it for any purpose.  Yesterday the A/C compressor for a unit I bought less than three years ago went kaput and the technicians don't seem to have a solution to fix it.  I just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore.  I am tired of battling the things I need to do just to pay the bills.  That's all it's about.  Paying bills.  No joy, no real relationships that I am so tied to even if they are a family member and one really good friend.  No, I am just exhausted.  Yesterdays cry was just body wracking and it seems to be the only way I get bacon my feet but I am really not sure how many of these I can continue to have.  I just don't need it.  

Comment by bluebird on May 20, 2020 at 7:49pm

Blessed be, Linda. I hope you are able to find some measure of peace.

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 20, 2020 at 6:39am

Thank you Bluebird for your beautiful post and I am so sorry for the loss of your own fur-babies. My Babie J saved my life after my Husband died and now I have nothing, so I am more than ready to  join them both. I keep praying to God to take me, life is a living hell. God Bless You. 

Comment by bluebird on May 19, 2020 at 5:12pm

Linda,
For some reason the site won't allow me to access the post you must have made about Babie J's death, but I am able to see people responding to it. I am so sorry for your loss; I know how hard it was for me when our little boy cat died a few years after my husband died. We also had a girl cat who had died a few years before my husband died; but the cats were both of hours, and we both loved them both, but our girlcat Summer was more "mine", and our boycat Benny was more my husband's, so when Benny died I was sad because I lived and missed Benny, but also because his death was the severing of another connection with my husband. Anyway, I do understand how hard it is, this additional blow, and I am truly sorry. ((((hugs))))

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 17, 2020 at 6:16am

Dear Morgan,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Losing Babie J was the last thing I had to love and she saved my life when Julian died. She was a 9 year rescue and it was pure unconditional love when our eyes met.

Now that I have no one in my life. I will do every thing in power to end my life.

Comment by morgan on May 17, 2020 at 12:10am

Linda,

I missed your post on Babie J.  Oh my, I am so sorry.  The sweetest unconditional love that a pet gives us is a gift that we never forget.  I lost our kitty cat a year and half after my husband died and it was grueling.  I can still see myself in the vets office.  

I can only support Joe and his suggestion about catching the right bus. None of us want to be here. It certainly doesn't seem to be getting any better in the way we view living.  But what if?  What if the connection needs to be made in the way the universe dictates it?  It's about the only thing that keeps me from taking the quickest exit.  

The pain we all endure we try to support each other in getting through another day, another month, another year.  It has been so hard to do this.  But maybe its true. Maybe Juian and Babie J are just waiting together at the right bus stop.  The one we are supposed to get off at. 

I care Linda.  I care that you are hurting.  If there was anything else I could say that would take that hurt away I would be saying it.  Just know I want you to be able to reunite with the both of them at the right stop.  All of us care.....

morgan

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