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Comment by Linda Engberg on December 27, 2019 at 6:32am

OMG Morgan, The 7th year of grieving has me feeling exactly as you do. I relived his death this holiday season also. He didn't die in the short period of time your Husband did.

He developed cancer in 2007 when we lived in Nevada. After removing the tumor from his colon,we moved to Florida so he could get the best care from Mayo Clinic. For 6 years is was three operations, chemo sessions, pills galore, 911 calls and Mayo began part of everyday life.

On May 3. 2013, I found him on the floor of our bathroom he was in a coma and not responding to me. He was on Hospice the last six months and they told me he would live about 3 more days. He died in our home on May 5, 2013. 

To this day I remember every minute of those 3 long days. I will never adjust to fit in the real world again. All I can do is wait for death and go through my fake existance.

  

Comment by morgan on December 26, 2019 at 10:40pm

I'm making my way through the treacherous memories of Xmas eve day when I took him to the ER, to Xmas day when he laid uncomfortably waiting for doctors to celebrate with family and friends and then the day after when he was operated on and they diagnosed stage 4 cancer.  He lived another 27 days.

I  know I've related this story of his march towards death here on this website before but it bears repeating because I am still unable to process that he is gone.  The forever kind of gone.  Not to the store.  Not in his workshop gone.  No gone, never to hold him again.

And as hard as I push myself, no, I force myself to do all the things necessary to be active I would be more than happy to crawl into my bed on freshly laundered sheets and lay there until I too pass.  

Lately the overwhelming desire to not open my eyes when I sort of wake up has returned.  For awhile I didn't think about the whole eye opening thing.  I seemed ok for awhile to open my eyes and get up slowly but I've reverted back again to not wanting to even begin the slow process, the eye opening.  I put the t-shirt he wore that the EMT guys cut down the center to try to revive him over my forehead and eyes and forehead and just want to go away.  Far far away.  Myself, never to return.

How many ways and times will I ask the universe to please release me. Or put another way to come and get me.  Anything to hasten the process of having to live here.  Here, where he is not.  Here, where I have to get up and do things and pretend that a damn thing matters when I would be just as happy to crawl into that bed and die.  Yes, it really hasn't gotten any easier.  It just has taken a different form of adaptation.  A form where I simply hate what i have to do and it takes too much energy to explain to anyone that I am still not really any better.  Before they gave me some slack.  Now after seven years and enough pretending on my part they think I've adjusted.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  How can I go on like this?  For how long? How long before I am just unwilling to open my eyes?

Comment by Joe Kelly on December 25, 2019 at 12:28pm

Well said Lani and never let that go.  Our consciousness is immortal.  I know because I had an experience back in the eighties when my "spirit" or "consciousness" separated from my body after been hit by a truck.  My darling wife still exists.  She just doesn't have the body to communicate back to me.  I was like an invisible form of energy that could somehow see and move.  I talk to her all day, every day.  Never let that diminish in the least.  We have to wait the wait, suffer as we may, but the day when we go does exist.  We just don't know what that date is, but it is certain.  It can't come soon enough for me and most of us here.  Believe it or not, even my children, knowing the love we had for each other are rooting for me.  God Bless, Joe        

Comment by Lani M. on December 25, 2019 at 11:56am

I know Christmas is hard on all of us who have lost our beloved spouse but I try to keep in mind that they are in a good and beautiful place. I know that someday I will join Jim when God is done with me here on Earth. I truly believe that I have been left here for some purpose and when that is fulfilled the Good Lord will call me home where I will rejoin my loved ones. Even though I am hurting, sad, and lonely, I try to take comfort in knowing that Jim is still with me in spirit and watching over me in all that I do. I talk to him every day and even though I can't hear his voice I know that he hears every word I say. I tell him every day that I love and miss him and I can feel his love surrounding me. This is what keeps me going and able to deal with each day.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 23, 2019 at 5:31am

I know most of us will not have a Merry Christmas but we will put on a smiley face for the sake of others. If it were not for my Sweet Babie J I wish I could fall asleep for Christmas Eve under after New Year's Day.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 13, 2019 at 5:38am

Thanks Morgan. I wish for my own death also. I pray there is a Heaven so I can be with my Julian and all the that people that were close to me.

Comment by morgan on December 12, 2019 at 9:22pm

Linda,  I am so sorry to hear of more loss in your life.  I don't know about you but I end up just dissolving when I hear of loss.  Mine or anyone else's.  Grief has given me one thing. The overarching aching desire to die.  Not by my own hand (yet) but I simply crave my own death.  My only goal is to die as soon as possible.  Crazy I know but it is an overwhelming desire now.  Can't explain it to anyone who is not in the same state of mind as me but here I am.  Tomorrow would be fine. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 12, 2019 at 7:20am

Lost two more relatives this week.

Comment by Joe Kelly on December 9, 2019 at 3:46pm

Wendy,

I too wish you didn't have to find your way here.  I identify with your feeling alone even around our children and grands.  That was very loving and sweet of your grand daughter.  Read and post here.  It doesn't make it easier but knowing there are others like us, we're not alone.  I meet many at the cemetery.  When I see some that come often, I say hello and we share our grief.  I've even met one who like myself had an OBE or some call it a NDE.  We know we will be someday reunited with the ONE we became ONE with when it is our time to pass over.  That's about all I can say right now.  Stay close.

Joe 

Comment by morgan on December 8, 2019 at 12:16pm

Wendy,

I hardly know what to say other than you have come to a place where we all know the anguish and heartache that you are feeling.  Death is hard enough to stomach but to have your husband murdered is beyond my imagination.  Although I think most of us feel robbed.  And all of us, even with family and friends, find it oh so difficult to get through a day. Processing the feelings we are having is an uphill battle.  

I am almost at seven years. This morning I said goodbye to a good friend who I had taken in my home for the last year and half for him to try and rescue himself after a suicide attempt that almost succeeded.  He is moving to a good place and though I thought I was ready as I need to reclaim my space again it all came crashing down because the worst part of death for me is the inextinguishable loss.  I CANNOT handle loss anymore.  I am bereft and alone and inconsolable and yet I have to get up day to day and get what needs to get done.. done.  I am 67 and long for the day I no longer have to deal with how the feelings of loss hit me when and where they want.  You are in the earliest of stages and everything you do will remind you of what was.  The best advice I ever got was to take baby steps.  Sometimes it is just to get to the next minute and sometimes you can make through an hour or maybe several.  Eating and sleeping will become elusive but try to do what you can when you can.  For the first year I slept alot.  I would just fall out.  The shock is more than our minds and body are equipped to understand so taking it minute to minute is the best way to manage.  

I wish you didn't have to join us here.  No one wants to be here but for those of us whose lives have been so altered we come here because we know others like us will be here.  Read, write and cope.  Nothing else I can say.......caring for you and all of us......

morgan

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