There's the old saying: Get busy living or get busy dying."

With no children or job and ill to the point where my morbid orbesity, tremors, unabIe to swallow safely and passing out onto the floor, and reduced to a cane or walker with no help in sight, i'm in the unfortunate "get busy dying."

Last night I once again, found myself having a seizure and immobile. WHen it passed I managed to crawl back into my bed.

It dawned on me that every day since Annette's death I do nothing except sit on the edge of my bed, pass  out or cry or sit outside on a bench waiting. It dawned on me there's nothing. Nothing but wait for my life to come to a final end.

Last  night I thought it was it. I laid in bed and my eyes rolled back, my heart skipped and I went out like a light. It was terrifying as I was awake and hoped that I would pass quietly in my sleep.

As I said, this is happening with increased frequency and severity. I read on how the death of a loved one affects within a year the survivor's health. I never thought like everyone here we'd be in the same club seeking solace an support.

So what am I doing? Busy living or dying? I found the choice was made for me. I only wish I wasn't alone in the dark. I've prayed to God and asked Annette to make my last moments in my prison solitude as painless as possible. 

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The 2nd verse from "It's alright ma" in 1965...Note last phrase.  Whether it's a Dylan original or

a paraphrased old saying..I don't know!

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn that he's not busy being born
Is busy dying

I spoke today to fellow Grief website member Nora. We spoke as I was at the Mayor's office and when I got home.

Thank God for this website.

Locally, so many of us need help and so many support groups are so far away making it a nightmare to get help from others going through the same pain, guilt, loneliness and grief.

I know there is an afterlife. Although human beings are not "evolving" that is, growing another finger, another eye etc... these few recorded thousand years show we are evolving -- from a spiritual point of view.

This world had Einstein, Newton and Galileo to explain the physical universe. They were mocked by respected peers that the earth was flat. It took hundreds of years for Galileo to get respected and people to stop believing the sun revolved the earth.

My point is this: The meta physical world, that is the afterlife or life after death still hasn't found our Einstein, Newton and Galileo. So the rules and science still rate the physical world.

One can't ignore the afterlife. Science -- real, open minded science, peer reviewed science for the most part has only in the last 10 years only really begun to take notice of the possibility of the existence of the soul (or energy) surviving after death. Many hospitals run visual indicators to see if patients who die suddenly then revived can recall seeing messages. Most aren't reported, sadly despite reports from nurses who spoke to NDRs later.

My point? I, like many here suffer. I lost my love and my life and I spoke to people, in person who have gone through a NDR and its too consistent to simply not invest time and understand earth is a training ground of sorts. That's what life is. Live it, learn it, move on.

Let me make clear it doesn't diminish the suffering we all feel. We could have our loved ones appear as ghosts telling us "get a life i'll be waiting for you and the next lotto numbers are etc,,)

Separation, guilt, and loneliness. That's human suffering. I continue to talk to Annette, I cry, I still ask for forgiveness, And all I can think is one day soon I'll hear her voice. Or, i'll go to sleep one night and open my eyes and find to my astonishment she's standing over me telling me "see? dying was easy Rich, I learned being here it's living that was scary!" and we'll laugh. 

We'll hold hands, sit under a beautiful tree and watch sailboats pass by, love each -- for eternity. Now that's living.

 

Hi richard I'm glad you have had support, you sound so much better. I too am finding it so hard to get through every single day, I wish I could believe there is an after life, I so want to know I will see Shirl again,but then I worry if there is that she will be scared and lonely without me, I know she'd want me with her and I feel iv got to find a way to join her. My life here without is nothing. I feel like iv completely disappeared, I'm just going through what I have to to make sure my animals are ok. Iv not even dreamt about Shirl, I wake up crying and cry all day. There is no support here, the grief councilling has a 3 month waiting list.
As you say thank god for this site connecting us, Nora and I text daily and hopefully keep each going hour by hour, I'm amazed how many people join every day, so much grief out there.


You must feel better when you know you will see your lovely Annette again, she would be proud of you. Take care and keep being positive jackie

Richard, you have an amazing point of view. You are very articulate, honest and convincing. I think maybe you can try work from home as a freelance writer? What do you think? Lots of companies are looking for people like you. And they pay good money. Or maybe do something from your phone.

There is the site for work from home that my husband found for me and registered right before he left me. They want you to pay 50.00 a year and they have tons of work. Please have a look - flexjobs.com No need to do anything right now just check it.

Now I am sure as soon as you ease your mind and open your heart, you will hear from Annette. She is your guardian angel now and always loves, protects and helps you - believe and listen and look around - she will send good things and people your way.

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