Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jen H on May 21, 2018 at 11:22am

Hi Monty, I lost my husband New Year’s Eve and have a 4 year old. It is extraordinarily hard to put on the happy face, be everything she needs, keep productive at my job, keep the house going and all the other needs of life covered. Bless you and all you are doing. One minute I think I have it handled and the next I want to fall part. My daughter says she doesn’t have a Daddy anymore. I tell her she always does, and he’s with her all the time, but I understand what she means. Rest assure that you are a good family. It’s also very admirable you posted here and are so truthful. You are clearly strong and brave. You got this my friend! I cannot tell you anything to make it better, but you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’ve been on this for a while but this is my first post. I’m having a particularly tough day myself, so thank you for making me not feel so alone in this journey. Kind regards, Jen.

Permalink Reply by morgan on May 21, 2018 at 12:28pm

Monty,

I want to let you know that everything you are feeling is normal even though it seems so difficult compared to what we thought we had and what we knew.  The death of our spouse is the most difficult thing we will ever face, bar none.  After a long time doing this myself I have to keep telling myself, baby steps.  Every day its just another baby step.  Dont expect to return to the person you were but keep trying to reconstruct the new person you now are.  It works sometimes and not others as Jen said.  

I don't have children so I have no idea how that is.  I cant even imagine that added level of having to deal with how a child interprets death.  But I do know how the hole in your heart is.  Those of us who read and/or post on here are all searching for ways to manage, to cope.  Each of us deals with it the best we can.  There is no manual......

Jen is more insightful than she thinks particularly by saying it is admirable to post here and be so truthful.  Most of the rest of society has no idea the pain associated with a spousal death.  You have to have had a deep relationship to know what this is like.  And many of us do and have found sites like this where we can share our anguish.  At the same time that provides our support. Society cannot understand and maybe that is a good thing.  How would I be if I knew how hard this was before??

All I can say is we all keep trying the best we can and every moment is a new moment.......do what you can when you can and don't beat yourself up too badly......you'll have enough trying moments without doing that.......

We all give the children the hugs they need then try to hug ourselves.......know we walk alongside you........morgan

Permalink Reply by M Adams on June 9, 2018 at 11:37am

Dear Monty, so sorry for your terrible loss -- you must be a very strong person, caring for so many people for such a long time, and now going on caring for your sons with only the occasional grizzle to grieve all you've lost. I feel like I can particularly empathize with one aspect of your loss because my husband also died after a long history of ill health. We were drawn even closer than most couples because of the interdependence and intimacy necessitated by his health problems, and although he hadn't been strong latterly, he was still him, and it is hard going on without his voice and day to day presence. Maybe it is somewhat similar for you?

After only five months, it is not at all unusual to be tearful...I never cried much before but these days I cry a lot and easily, and it is coming close to two years now since his sudden death a day before he was supposed to be coming home from hospital.

Btw what you say in your post about friends seems to be true, at least for many bereaved people. In my own experience, while some friends are friends no longer -- many drifted away during my husband's illness -- when it comes to real friends who are still in the picture, I find I can't go on telling them the horrible realities of this life. Well, I choose not to, really. Friends try to be kind, and they are kind, but after a while it's just too bloody much for them, they can't really bear the truth of what's happening -- at this point I don't want to keep poisoning other people with my darkness and I think that's an okay choice. Personally I need privacy to be able to cry and feel sad, just to stop clamping down, let myself feel and fall apart for a bit -- that must be really hard for you with two sons to care for and comfort, but at the same time I think it's important to have some time to actually let go and grieve...even think it helps you to regain your sanity after losing your spouse.  

Apologies for long rambling response -- basically, just wanted to say this can be a good place to share what needs to be shared, and to feel less crazy, hope you can get some comfort here as well.

Permalink Reply by Monty on June 11, 2018 at 9:29pm

thanks for all the reply's and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

it great to see the support. 

in the last month or two i have been seeing a councillor (who specialises in grief rather than just general purpose)

this has helped tremendously 

i now also have stopped sharing with every day people and the casual friends, as i feel that them seeing how I'm really going horrifies them and is not positive for any one in any way.  Now when asked how I'm going the normal response is "getting there, somedays better than others". and in the most part thats true.

i still have sad days where i just miss my wife.

and its the small things that keep popping up and confronting me.

Im also struggling with some of the people out there, my tolerance of stupid, self-centred behaviour seems to have diminished greatly.  i manage to keep my thoughts to my self.  but it seems harder at the moment.

i am keeping a journal at the moment.  don't know if it helps or not, but it has been recommended by several people who have experienced significant grief. 

people keep saying that I'm doing a awesome job, but honestly I'm just doing what i need to do for myself and my boys.

its the mater of fact side of me that says.  no use crying over spilt milk. and then i just start to get on with it.

I'm sure ill get though it, but it still sucks at the moment.

I'm looking forward to not being constantly tired, and being able to feel the warmth of life and being able to genuinely smile

thanks for listening to me.

Regards Monty 

Permalink Reply by Monty on June 17, 2018 at 8:23pm

Hi All

I have noticed lately that i am having dreams with re-occuring teams.

my wife leaving (though some circumstance) and having greater responsibilities to look after others..

are other experiencing dreams with constant team's ?

that being said.  I'm still not getting much sleep :(

Regards Monty

Permalink Reply by Monty on June 18, 2018 at 5:45pm

Hi All

I have noticed lately that i am having dreams with re-occuring theams.

my wife leaving (though some circumstance) and having greater responsibilities to look after others..

are other experiencing dreams with constant theam's ?

that being said.  I'm still not getting much sleep :(

Regards Monty

sorry edit to fix typo's

Permalink Reply by Monty on July 8, 2018 at 5:43pm

Last night I couldn’t sleep. So I wrote down my thoughts.

I’m sorry if this is not an Appropriate place to post this

 

I feel abandoned by a wife who didn’t look after herself and left me

I feel overburdened through looking after my two special needs boys who are also struggling in their own way in relation to the death of their mother

I feel isolated and shunned because people don’t know how to talk to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one

I feel tired as several nights I week I cry for hours and am an emotional wreak

I feel exhausted being woken up most nights several times a night by dreams leaving me soaked in sweat and unable to get back to sleep

I feel angry that I am stuck with all these responsibilities and tasks that feel an impossible burden

I feel stifled as I do not want to alienate people around me so I don’t tell them how I feel and I just bottle it up

I feel like I want to be Thor and wish to hit the ground with such force and

Might that the whole ground trembles and the force of the blow makes every one understand the pain that I feel most days

I feel ashamed that I am not being a good enough dad for my boys

I feel pressured to eat right make smart choices so I don’t jeopardise what I feel is a tenuous grasp of life, health , wealth and future for me and the boys

I feel like a duck, above water calm and collected so I can function in society but underneath my legs are paddling at a million miles an hour and I feel like I’m loosing and that the waterfall is getting closer

I feel so many things and at the moment none of them are good or healthy

I feel sad.

I feel unhappy

I feel afraid that I don’t know how I’m got to fix myself or get better

I feel afraid I will not be able to keep it up

I feel lost

I hope tomorrow I will fell a little bit better

feeling is exhausting

 

Intellectually I understand no one no matter how much that care wants to be around a emotional wreak.

The care but don’t know how to react to someone in pain and will not generally risk making matters worse

They will not try to reach to far

The will not try to empathize to much for fear of making people feel worse or push people over some edge

Intellectually I under stand that I need to keep my chin up and try to keep moving and strive to focus on positive things in my life

Intellectually I understand that I need to feel and recognize grief and pain but not allow it to overwhelm me and so much that I cannot function

Intellectually I realize that I am the sole rudder on this ship and need to make wise choices to make life better for me and the boys

Intellectually I under stand that it is in my best interests not to alienate people around me

Intellectually I realize I need to set a good example to my boys

Intellectually I understand that I need to be thankful for what I have and remember that others have it worse.

Intellectually I know I should socialize but don’t want to because I don’t want to have to smile and be nice

 

No one tells u about the thick fog that surrounds your mind when your grieving. It is so hard to think about anything and so easy to feel the overwhelming above described feelings.

 

It is the little things that trip you up when your working that dam hard to just be upright when the ground feels like it is shifting under your feet while the world rests on your shoulders

 

The little habits that you almost do without thinking (like calling your wife whilst walking down the street at lunch time to say hi and have a little chat) And the are the ones that unexpectedly bring things crashing back down

 

I’ve read that grief is like being stuck in a large swell at the beach. It keeps crashing down on you followed by a small quiet relief.

For my perspective that must be a fricken cyclone just off shore as there is no relief between thundering waves crashing down on me

 

Honestly the Dory song only works for so long.

 

I need to find another way to look at this and find a solution.

​

Like sucks Atm,

It is hard

ill get though it because I must.