Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 21, 2016 at 7:00am

Thank you Carole and I am so sorry you are without your husband. I am so glad I found this site because it has been such a comfort to me. I am sending our 2 adult children to counseling, but I will not be able to go on a regular basis due to finances at the moment, so I am using online tools and I am joining a bereavement group in my town. I ammaking the effort to get out and interact with other people and not have my recent loss as the basis for our interaction/discussion. Yesterday I went to the gym in the morning (where no one knows what happened) and then later in the day I went to yoga. I was able to concentrate on me and just "be." Next week I will return to my job.

I am glad that you confirmed time will help. I think I have the need to jump over all the work and just get to the "better" part but that is not possible. Again Carole, thank you and I hope to be talking to you again in the future

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 21, 2016 at 7:20am

Thank you Patti, your post really hit home for me as does everything that I am reading on this site.

I can't imagine four years in, so that you for your perspective. I married my best friend also and I know there will always be a hole  where he should be in my heart. Thank you because your words made me realize 2 things:

1. I will not gireve according to a schedule, I will grieve on my own time- the only problem is I do not know what that means- jthis will be part of the journey

2. What my new different life means will alos become evident during the journey and  that will have to be okay.

Thanks Patti, and I am so sorry for your loss

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on June 20, 2016 at 8:09am

Denise, Next Sunday will be six months since I lost my husband.  Last night as I sat in HIS chair I screamed, a gut wrenching scream........again.  Sometimes I scream his name, as if he can hear me.  I'm not as lonely as I realize my loneliness was for John, just John..  I know he is not coming back to me but he is in every inch of our home.  I can feel him.  As you said, this is the worst loss of all and only one who has had the same loss can know  what this terrible pain is like.  The first week I was numb, in shock.  I think this shock enables a person to take care of what needs to be done.  Life as I knew it is gone.  Nothing will ever be the same.  There are no word for the pain.  Does it get easier?  Somewhat.  I miss him every day of y life.  God bless all of us.

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 21, 2016 at 7:12am

Thank you Oleta for your reply. THe gut wrenching scream seems to be a common thing so I do not feel like an odd-ball. Everyone's reaction is different but we all share the same deep sense of never ending loss. Yes, I understand feeling his presence because I still do, although I feel that it is waning as we (me and the children) complete tasks relating to moving forward with our lives. Yes, the shock does propel you into motion when all you want to do is to withdraw and never move again. Yes, we need all the blessings God can give us.

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 21, 2016 at 7:33am

Peggy, thank you for your reply. I took your advice in the last paragraph, accepting offers of help from others. I was trying to call all the family and friends to inform them of George's passing, and I was worn out. When an aunt offered to make calls I initially declined but after reading your post I called and gave her a list of people to call. I immedicately felt better like one more think I did not have to do, so thank you.

Survivor guilt comes and goes in waves just as the waves of overwhelming pain and loss, but I am trying to just feel and let the feelings pass, what else can I do? I can tell you, even if you know the end is coming and you are dealing with a very ill person, I understand your shock, it is still  a shock and is so hard to handle, I understand the missing limb.

I will try the primal screams on a regular and planned basis.

THank you again, Carole and I know we wil lbe speaking again in the future, unfortunately, this awful event of lossing our spouse binds us together.

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 22, 2016 at 12:52pm

I have re-read the replies more times than I can count over the last 2 days for comfort, Today is not a great day for me and I am trying to be easy on myself. I am going to a group grief counseling session today and I am hoping I can pull it together to get dressed and go. I am rambling so I will stop. THank you for your help

Permalink Reply by val on June 25, 2016 at 5:12am

hi

lost my husband last saturday at home, had 7 extra months which gave us time to adjust  (if thats possible) and was with him and know he heard me and hes still with me . Have had several strange occurences , they say coincidence is w onderful thing , but I have agift so know its not coincidence its him telling me hes ok and hes around ,,,which is agreat comfort , and for those who read this who understand what i mean by a gift ...yes it is all true ,

every day is different ,I know I have to adjust to anew life one day but theres plenty of time , theres no rush and as one reply said earlier its in my time and my own pace , there are no rules .The mornings when I wake  are the worst time as its so quiet and for a few minutes on wakening i listen  out for his dreadful breathing in the other room(he had neck cancer) then it hits me all over again that hes gone ,  he was in the bathroom when he passed and i managed to get him to the floor and hold him and talk when he passed , so the bathroom will and is a hard palce to go in so far , i urge to strip it bare now,,,,but not yet I know that , its just a feeling I need to, which is a practical feeling as even if i strip it , the image will still be in my head for along time, its just paint and carpet .........Im sure this is normal, but very hard , Ive kept busy , well organsied and now so much time on my hands , Ive done all theusual stuff like madly cleaning , emptying special food out , taking all the mesd back to the chemist .....and all the admin bits and calls, now im a bit lost , one minute i want to go out and do normal stuff like wandering to the town and stoppng at the pubs we knew where hed wait patiently with his pint , then i think oh cant do that now,,,,,and it hits me again , it comes in waves, we live on site at a retirement scheme where im manager , been here many years ,  so its very hard to avoid people even though im signed off work officially , they pry ,

i find im dodging in and out to the car and walk the dog when i can avoid anyone ,,,,, idont want to talk to any of them , its a very them and us situation here , next year theirs a review and we coudnt discuss my future as he wont be there , so that was hard ..... ill hopefully be made redundant and move away which will be hard after 24 years but its a path i need to take, and i know when the time does come illl be ok and he will still be with me , it doesnt matter where i am, but for now, its very raw , i cant wiat to get the days over with . I have alovely son of 38 who i know is struggling and hes trying to be there for mum, and im trying to help him to. 

this site is very helpful as it doesnt judge and we are all the same and I think it helsp listening to other people and knowing we are not alone e.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Permalink Reply by Denise on June 25, 2016 at 6:32am

Val, thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. Our worlds were turned inside out almost a week ago and from what I keep reading, time will help and even during this last week I have had periods where I am ok and then other times I am just broken in one million pieces of sharp glass which are inflicting pain, both mentally and physically. It is the waves that come and go and the randomness of the waves is what is the most painful, no I am lying, it is the whole thing of not having my husband which is the most painful. I am in the middle of the administrative stuff and the only things that I have disposed of are the foods in the freezer which were his.  Disposal of meds and other things will take a bit of time. I can not imagine removing his clothing.

I understand the coincidences, as the day he died I KNOW he connected with me to let me know he was ok. I can not say that any particular time of the day is worse than the other for me because even things which are not related to our lives together can get me crying. I am glad you have your son for you two to find comfort in each other. It is unfortunate that the retirement home is not providing the support system yo need, but this site is a comfort because everyone here understands without us even saying a word. It is here and in my local support group where I do not feel alone.Here is where I can just "be"

Permalink Reply by val on June 25, 2016 at 12:00pm

Hi Denise ,thanks for your reply , went to sisters today , she tries to say right things but irritated me so much , meant well, but wouldnt say we are that close anyway, were growing up but to much pain happened between the family and we are in different worls now for yaers

 I know her to well I suppose and she has problems within her family so i think deep down she was laying foundations for when she has similer things happen , felt like she was droning on and I could just see my hubby sitting there shaking his head sayng oh shut up jen and laughing and I was so desperate for the day to end so i could get in the car and chat to him on the way home and relay what was said and i could also hear his answers , ill keep talking to him all the time ,this seems to help, when i got home she rang and yes it was same thing and mainly about what she will do when her husband goes and she wil be left with the son and daughter who dont get on .....I was right ,,,somehow it felt like i had comforted her .....weird that ...Im the one who always looks after others ...now theres no one to look after so i have so much time , this I find so hard , wander from room to room ....already i dread tomorrow sunday ,,,as we hada  sort of routine ......ill drift all day , one minute i think ok ill go out for a while, then i get there and think I want to be home where I know he is waiting , and of coures hes not , chair is empty ...I look at changing room round moving his chair so i dont look at it on way in ...but deep down i know it doesnt matter where the ruddy thing is , will be the same ...............

when you read this site its somewhat depressing as well as comforting , as some havent moved on after two years and I have to blot that out and just read bits , im probably hoping to read it does get better every time ,,......but we are all different ......itsso unfair ...

I know we had extra time , we were lucky and right to the end he was still chatting , drawing , and having an occaisonal guiness and we were lucky it was at home and pretty quick,,,so I have to hang onto that ,,,,but its still so unfair ,,,when i look out the windoww and see some of my residents who I know are really horrible people and il have to come back to worksoon and be profesional  and deal with their silly little problems, that will be so hard .......

Permalink Reply by val on June 26, 2016 at 6:19am

Hi denise , hows today , any better? doubt it somehow,so hard , i go from one emotion to other , will miss him so much ,made me realsise just how much i did for him and im gonna have so much time on my hands , i look around our home and everything we bought has a memory and its ours not mine, its a lovely home but so empty now, just material stuff! he once bought me an elephant statue , then he drew it , was a very gifted artist and we sold at craft shows all over sussex and raised money for charities , did it together , , so we then colected elephants and all sorts of bits like wild animals nik naks , and giraffe print cushions, all so lovely and we would buy something every holiday , hed hate shopping normally but on holiday happy to wander and look,and now I look at the ruddy cushions and think your just a cushion how can you bring me a memory thats hurts so much..... its all so painful,

he died in the bathroom so this morning i got up determineed to pull up the carpet and lay a new bit , did that but I still see him lying there . i thank god he passed at home with me , would have been so hard outside or in the car etc , we thought the tumour around his neck woudl heamorrage so it was always a worry when we went out , but he could walk, talk(allthough very croaky )and still draw right up tilllast so im grtateful for that , he had such a full life and we made is so special but it all seesm so pintless now

God got it so wrong , when we die why cannot we pop back say once amonth so the greif is easier to deal with slowly ...that sounds so mad , but its all so final ...............i know have so much time to think which is hard ................   

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on July 6, 2016 at 1:13am

Denise...I am sorry for your loss. I commend you for having the wisdom to join a grief group early.  I lost my husband of 41 years last september.  I was numb the first couple of months.    I kept busy, as family and friends suggested.   When all was said and done, I started to realize,like you did, that Joe will never physically walk through the front door again.   I agree with Carole.  It will get better.   There will be ups and downs.  You will shout and cry.   That's OK.

 I have found that,even through this, God has a new life direction for me.   Life will get better.  As I  focus on fond memories, I am able to cope better.

I find that I have to sign both names on gift cards ( Like,   from grandma and grandpa, ..... from mom and dad.....from Joe &Kay).  It helps me to show others that Joe is with Jesus, but is not forgotten 

Permalink Reply by Robin Quinn on July 29, 2016 at 7:38am

I'm on my 6th month and still nothing makes sense.  I read posts of people who are on years of their loss and they still can't make sense of anything.  I think just learning to live with the loss is the best I can hope for.  I lost my bestfriend, confidante, soulmate and i hate the life I have now.  I keep waking up each day, so I keep pretending I'm ok, but I can't wait to go to sleep at night and hope he comes to me in my dreams.

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