Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 19, 2017 at 8:57pm

I don't remember if you said you had already tried this, but maybe also try to get the local news involved.  They usually like to do "local interest" stories, and often report on situations in which someone needs help but isn't really receiving it, and that kicks into gear the asses of the agencies who are supposed to be helping. Might be worth a shot.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 23, 2017 at 6:27pm

Blue:

I'm afraid it's back to the hospital again.

I fainted and collapsed onto the floor against the wall.

Seems I can feel a growing mass at the base of my neck that's causing incredible pain and I'm losing consciousness without warning.

I also have unending tremors.

I've got to move quickly to be approved for SS disability or I'll be like this only homeless and a burden.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 23, 2017 at 9:13pm

I hope they are able to help you, Richard. Hugs.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 25, 2017 at 3:35pm

I was declined assistance for vocational retraining because I don't have any medical records related to my obesity. I was also turned down again for Social Security disability. I am now just waiting for the day that I run out of money which will be probably be in a month or so at which point I will I'll be in hell.

I keep crying every night now I fall out of bed again smashed my face since the wall which is what woke me up .

i'll continue to keep crying out to Annette begging her, pleading with her to come and take me because the incredible pain that I have physically is overbearing it's blinding now more than ever .even as I write this I am laying down in bed crying. why won't the punishment of being a bad husband go away?? I was a bad husband. There's no other reason why I'm suffering all alone in utter silence.

i'm fat and I'm disgusting to look at it. and the only person who saw anything of value in me is gone.

I should've paid more attention to her. I should've been in the bedroom with her, after all it was only a few feet away. it's all my fault.

I'm nothing but a loser. And my punishment will continue every single day in till I die.

Please forgive me my love. Please forgive this pathetic, wretched, excuse for a husband.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 28, 2017 at 7:12pm

Little bit of help possibly. my brother the one who had a liver transplant is very good friends with his doctor and he thinks that he might be able to get him to check me physically and possibly help with the disability not to mention the obesity issue I have.

in the meantime my nightmares have gotten so intense right now and passing out and the pressure inside the base of my neck I know has something to do with it.

I collapsed on the floor once more this time it was pretty rough I hit my head and I collapsed on the floor once more. this time it was pretty rough. I hit my head and I have a bump.

I don't want to upset my brother who I love very much and who has reentered my life. He calls me, and he really makes an effort to come over to do your part to help me out every now and then .

I feel as though my body is falling apart. I can feel continually my life slowly draining. I can feel the pain in the groin, my inability to breath. I had to go out today to run some errands and it literally nearly killed me. I had people in the street asking if I needed help as I got in and out of the cab. I can't believe I am suffering nonstop and I pray to God and continue to pray that Annette is beside me waiting to embrace me and forgive me for letting her down .

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 28, 2017 at 8:42pm

I'm glad you maybe able to get help.
Try to stop blaming yourself. I don't think you let her down, and I very much doubt she thinks so either.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on May 4, 2017 at 5:56pm

Blue:

I passed out while making breakfast and slammed my head on the edge of the sink. The evening before I fainted and slammed by skull against the wall.

I keep crying and things are getting worse as my neck barley moves without a massive crack that causes me to get vertigo. 

I can't stand this anymore. I'm waiting to hear from my brother's doctor to see if he will treat me for obesity and confirm my poor mobility.

I scream in my sleep now more than ever. I've managed to drunk whiskey which calms me so I can get some sleep but the drunkenness is the side affect.

The silence is destroying me piece by piece. I crawled and when I tried to get up on my two feet my weight is so huge that my heart nearly gave out (I could't breath as getting up literally nearly killed me).

My world is hell 24/7. I'm isolated each day and night. It is terrifying which is why I beg Annette to come for me. Even my bed which was rebuilt and reinforced by my brother collapsed under my own weight.

I am now forced to admit to job recruiters that I am seeking a 100% Help desk position due to my impaired mobility. Since no doctor or government agency will help me, I know I will be forced to find work and go through agony to get to any job and more agony to get home. No choice. 

I know I won't live long (I noticed something about my swollen groin that is going to take its toll and finish me off).  Death in general doesn't frighten me. It's just I don't want my pain added to. I await for Annette and speak to her every night (crying, begging and in tears) to reach out her hand and hold me forever.

That's where I'm at now.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on May 5, 2017 at 3:38pm

Something else happened today. I laid down to take a nap (I couldn't stand on my own two feet without feeling exhaustion). Minutes later I found myself having a seizure so severe I couldn't move my body. I was literally paralyzed.

I wound up struggling and fighting to move and took advantage of the collapsed side of the bed and tumbled on the floor. When the seizure ended I could move and feel my body again.

Even as I right this I'm slightly in and out of consciousness. If I lay down I get the sense that I may not wake up. I cant help shake the feeling that it's almost my time. 

We'll have to see. I'll keep my postings current until then..

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on May 1, 2017 at 9:09pm

I've sat alone these few days with not so much as a word uttered. The lights off and the groin getting fatter from the edema and it weighs so much I now can hardly stand even with a cane.

I keep reminding myself that Annette is not here to say "I love you" which got us each through the day. So no more. Never to love or be loved until my day comes when we're reunited.

I'm laying down and as I doze off I pray earnestly that my heart gives out. Because being awake is a nightmare.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 5, 2017 at 3:41pm

Richard,
I am truly sorry that things are so horrible for you. Given your health issues, on top of your wife's death, as well as your financial issues, I think perhaps you need to consider not living alone. If living with your brother is an option, then maybe consider that. If not, please try to get in touch with a Social Worker who could help you with other options.

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on March 27, 2017 at 11:03pm

Sorry to hear that you are still having trouble sleeping.   We all know the feeling.  Even though my son is here alot, 

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