Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 1, 2017 at 9:55pm

Sounds very ominous and heartbreaking Richard.  I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think you'll understand what i mean........sometimes death is a blessing.  Not that our spouses dying was one but now.......now, I just cant see much light.

Your physical state sounds quite compromised so take care the best you can.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 2, 2017 at 12:30pm

Morgan:

I agree wholeheartedly that death is preferable than the agony and suffering I suffer 24/7 without a break.

As I said before it is unnatural to be without the one we love.

I failed to take care of my wife. In the end, I should have done even more for her. I feel as though I am a pile of shit. That's how I see myself. If I had been in bed with her she'd be alive. I wasn't. I was 6 feet away sitting in a chair catching up on some writing.

Annette and I told each we loved each other every day. And I failed her. I let her down. I'm nothing now. I'm a broken, pathetic excuse for a human being, let alone a husband. I'm not worthy of having the title of "husband."

So my punishment is that I live alone in solitude. Nothing to look forward to for the rest of my life except death. That's my ultimate price for being a lousy husband.

I don't know how long what little health I have will keep my heart going but I pray and pray that it's small amount of time that my obesity will finally finish me off and I can see annette and beg her to forgive this weak, pathetic husband who adored her abs always will.

Permalink Reply by joanne on March 2, 2017 at 1:08pm

Richard my heart goes out to you, I can only hope your situation gets a bit better, I know it will never be completely better because you are without your Annette, but I do hope your pain starts to lessen a little. Take care xx

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 2, 2017 at 1:39pm

Richard, we all beat ourselves up.  I cant even relate to anyone the guilt I feel as to where and how my husband died when I was in the next room. But he knew and Annettte knew we did all we could.  Their time was up.  Now the best we can do is hope ours comes along.  Self flagellation is a coping mechanism of sorts but it distances us from connecting to them I believe, because they want us to know they still love us deeply, no matter what happened.  They didn’t vanish because they want us to hurt.

For whatever reason they died without us being there for those last few moments because we might not have been able to erase those kinds of feelings any better than the ones we have now.  I think others on here have expressed how horrible it is to try and erase those last breaths while cradling their beloved in their arms.  Whether we were there at the last or not, its all crappy.

I also think we all have MAJOR issues with the "how" it happened.  Because no one is wanting to accept the fact it did happen.  I hate it, you hate it, we all hate it.  My beloved would never blame me for his death.  He loved me too much to have me hurt like that.  No, it hasn't been easy remembering how I found him on the floor telling myself I should have been there.  But I wasn’t and I have to think he wanted it that way. 

Is this some test of our breaking point?  Having to live on alone?  I don't know, I just know I have to pick which battles I can do something about until my own day comes.  I’m trying to pick the ones I think will bring me closer to my own end.  Arranging for my own death, so to speak.

You did nothing wrong.  You aren't a bad husband.  The love we had for our spouses was true.  They love us more for bearing the burden of their death.  They knew they couldn't have managed to do it if it was the reverse so please try not to berate yourself for what our spouses asked us to do for them.  I know my husband would never have lasted as long as I have and it would not have been a pretty sight.  I believe in his wisdom he chose for me to have to carry this burden because he couldn't have.  Ain’t much consolation but its the best I have been able to come up with.  

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 2, 2017 at 2:12pm

Morgan:

I cried as I read your response. I just can't still Believe that I am alone here in this so so small apartment with nothing to do but wait and see what the future holds.

I know right now I shouldn't blame myself I understand a little bit that they would not want us to suffer. I know that Annette loves me. But it's the separation that is the killer. it's like losing an appendage. sometimes we can cope sometimes we can't .

My life is so utterly empty it's like a prison I feel like a prisoner Trapped in the cell.

I keep collapsing unexpectedly into Unconsciousness. I fainted in the morning. I collapsed on the floor and then I woke up, The sun was down. I was out cold. it's a miracle I didn't crack my head open on impact.

My circulation and heart are on the way out. this is just a preview that I'm experiencing .

I haven't told anyone around me about my condition-- especially my brother who stops by every so often to help out whenever he can. but I can't put the burden on him. He had a liver transplant and he still has to work. I'd be just an added baggage that he doesn't need. He deserves his own life and I love him for that because we hadn't spoken in 12 years. It' took the death of my wife for the two of us to reconcile and in doing so, I love him more now than ever and I'm proud to be his kid brother.

But I think I have to atone for what happened to my wife. maybe it's true there was nothing I could do. Maybe it was meant to be her first because she would not be able to handle my death. She would have suffered from my death more profoundly than I'm now suffering from hers. She would have had a nervous break down, a psychotic break and God knows only what else with no one there to help her.

Until it's my time, I will keep a vigil every day and every night for her to come and collect me and forgive me.

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 3, 2017 at 12:04am

Richard,  We are all trapped.  It's impossible to tell others who have never lost their beloved spouse what this is like.  Translating the physical effects, the emotional pounding, the confusion, the missing, the guilt, the anxiety, the crying. How could I have put my beloved through this?  I couldn't have.  I always wanted to protect him from life's more stressful moments because that was my way of loving him.  So my final act of love is to bear this ugly burden.  From moment to moment, even writing these words now, I have to haul up from the depths of my soul some sort of logic that says I am glad I was the one left behind.  

How that is possible to say out loud, might be more an act than it is my personal truth but in order for my husband to know how in love I still am he needs to know I am enduring this so that he didn't have to.  And nothing makes me sicker in my stomach than having to deal with not knowing where he is or how he is.  I just want him to touch me once again and tell me that everything will be ok.  Four years I've been waiting for him to tell me he is ok.  An eternity of waiting.  But I must believe he is waiting on the other side of the veil.  I must believe that this is not a final separation.  The world is now unfamiliar and surreal and my end is coming. 

Your own health might give you your wish sooner than you think.  It is not something I would want to hear or have happen to anyone I have met here but without a doubt the kind of care we might have given ourselves before our beloved died I doubt many of us are as motivated now to keep ourselves healthy.  I certainly am not. I am guessing it is my way of telling myself I can live with this as long as I can find a way to cut it short.

None of us did anything wrong except live longer.  That is our only transgression.  But we have done it out of love.  

morgan

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 3, 2017 at 12:33pm

Morgan

I think you hit it right on the spot the fact that we're the ones living longer is what makes our new lives unbearable . Right now it's 130 in the afternoon on a Friday and I am alone. the neighborhood is silent and I am laying in bed alone. how I wish my life were finished finally so that I could be with my love.

I have collapsed outside that's why I had to come back inside the apartment. I nearly fell down the concrete stairs.

I can feel my heart getting worse physically. I choke more and more When eating the simplest food . I suffocate and then it goes away. eventually it will not go away.

I know that my time is short. my pressure has dropped so dramatically that I'm now passing out and collapsing more frequently. I am now stuck laying in bed and I will stay here the rest of the day now.

I am incredibly weak. I can't even stand up and go over to the bathroom which is only a few feet away.

I'm going to go to sleep really early and pray . Pray that God shows me mercy or Annette comes to collect me. there's nothing here for me now. my ambition my hope my dreams are no longer with me . They're just faint memories of a previous life that doesn't exist anymore .

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 3, 2017 at 8:36pm

It's 930 at night and Ijust woke up screaming again. this is getting to the point where I just don't want to not wake up. I can't keep doing this. crying out to Annette. all I can think of when i see the spaces she used to occupy like the bed, sitting next to me outside, I keep imagining the things we would have done. the life we would have had. The drive that would've kept us going forward to live out our lives. and then I realize she's not there and that's when I start to fall apart.

Hi see her books from school she was studying online.I see her glasses. some were broken. we had no money to repair them and I would always pop the lenses in but they would always pop out. I see her purse now empty.

I'm beginning to feel the madness eating away. I'll keep repeating over and over the image of her blue lips. Her eyes closed. I keep remembering may useless attempts at trying to resuscitate her. I keep hearing my voice screaming out "please don't die on me honey please!!"

This is my life now. i'm going to try to go back to bed and I pray that I don't wake up or I don't have anymore of the nightmares.

Reluctantly I may have to go to the hospital to have myself checked I'm told that I will not get any Social Security disability Unless I have a medical report on my body and condition.

We'll see.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 4, 2017 at 2:50pm

I managed to get the landlord to sign the paper showing what months back rent I owe. I also received the unemployment document showing what I receive every week. now I just have to make an appointment and hopefully social services will help pay the back rent. unfortunately my mind is starting to give way. I have had more fainting spells.

I just want it to be over. I just want to close my eyes and wake up and find Annette laying down next to me.

I want her to hold me tight. to hold my hands to kiss. To tell me "you see Richie? Everything is okay."

So now I lay in bed. 3 in the afternoon. Nowhere to go and no one to speak to. nothing to do but just waste today and pray that I don't go insane .

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 4, 2017 at 4:19pm

Richard,
I really think you need to get some help, emotionally and especially physically. I understand wanting to die, I feel the same way. But while you are still here, at least you can be a bit more comfortable than you are now. I think you need to see a doctor, soon. I have hesitated to say this, because I hate it when people say similar things to me, but I am not passing out and having trouble breathing on a daily basis. You can go to the ER and tell them you need charity care, and they have to help you. Please understand that I am posting this out of genuine concern, as I have been reading your posts in this thread and noting the decline in your physical health. What you choose to do, or not do, is of course up to you, but I couldn't just not say anything. Please consider going to a doctor or the ER. Hugs to you

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 4, 2017 at 6:33pm

{{{{{{{{AnneJ}}}}}}}}

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 4, 2017 at 6:29pm

Guys:

I will be going to the hospital to get myself checked.

I don't have much of a choice.

I'm told that I'm required to go through a medical exam if I want to even open or apply for Social Security disability. so I have to go.

I appreciate your kind words and concern. I'll let you know what the doctors tell me.

Rich

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