Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 3, 2017 at 3:22am

Unfortunately no way they will waive the fee. My brother doesn't have the kind of money needed. He's done enough for me anyway. I will just have to wait.

In the meantime it's three in the morning as I write this. I woke up screaming again then fell out of bed . One thing I wish would go away are my tremors which don't stop even when I sleep. it's starting to affect me when I eat or walk.

Anyway, I was thinking about the afterlife. I have doubts about it every now and again. I want to believe and I read all the online literature with people having the near death experience claiming to have seen dead relatives and loved ones.

Would love to hear from anyone who has experienced it or knows someone who has.

Right now I'm waiting for unemployment benefits which I hope they will give me but I'm not really confident about that I will know in a week

I was given $20 for groceries by the mayors office where I live they are very nice people I really care about helping and my brother says he will help out with the food as well so there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep updating as I progress.

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 3, 2017 at 7:28pm

Richard, It is my fervent hope that in these early months of your grief which are compounded by the other things that make for your unwieldy burden you accept the help of your brother and the mayors office in the spirit in which it is given.  In my own world I have had to attribute those kinds of interventions to be the work of my spouse divining the more positive energy I needed at moments of extreme pain from beyond.  I do believe this is the way they work.  

It certainly is no substitute for their presence but I cant help but think they are trying their best to help us given that space and time has been changed so radically for them as well as for us.  I just have to believe they are using others as their messengers.  A crappy deal for sure, but a deal we should take as I think they are working through a different medium in their caring for us.  

Why we end up feeling the way we do is not something I have figured out but I have to believe they are still doing what they can to contact us.  We all want to reconnect as soon as we can to them.  They are the energy that makes us whole but for whatever reason we are having to live out more of life in order to get to death.  Why?  Who knows?  But then who would have ever thought our loved ones would be delivered to another dimension and we would have been so destroyed by that loss?  

No matter how intellectual I might have been beforehand nothing could have prepared me for the me I now face.  Its a way bigger mountain than I could have imagined in my worst dream.  Now I am just trying to figure out how long I am going to have to keep pushing that mountain around until I have paid whatever dues the universe has on its books for me.  Im trying to figure out what I can do to hasten paying up what ever it is that is holding me back.  In the meantime I come here to escape.  To reassure myself that I am doing all and the best I can just like all of you to minimize the pain and keep hoping that in short order the universe will call our number.  I know the universe seems very busy with a lot of other problems but for each of us we do hope we are being heard.  In the interim we can reach out to each other and know we are not completely alone.

May our loved ones hear us from afar.......

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 3, 2017 at 8:17pm

Morgan:

beautifully worded reply. I take it you do as well as many others believe in the afterlife. I thought I was the only one who was in a hurry to leave this earth and be with their loved one.

I too am in a hurry for this universe to take me and be with my beloved Annette.
I still keep waking up screaming shouting and fall to my knees begging her to not leave me behind.

I know I don't have much time left as the obesity has affected my breathing and ability to walk. I went out today to try to walk what's more and I keep failing having to turn back. It's scary to be alone in the dark.

The mayors office spoke to my landlord on my behalf and she told them to she will allow me to stay and pay later it's the only decent news i have.

If there is anyone who has experienced a near death experience or know of someone who has I would like to hear from them.

I'm hoping the unemployment kicks in soon. I will keep updating as events change. I'm grateful to everyone here for their compassion and lending an ear.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 4, 2017 at 6:23pm

Brother came by again today he dropped off some food groceries. He managed to pay for a new frame for my glasses which are broken for over year. my sister says that I have already found my guardian angeL.

I had another nightmare and screamed out Annette's name once again I fell off the bed. I cannot seem to get my head straight about her being gone. The whole day I keep thinking why didn't she scream for help? why didn't she call out my name for help? why? Why?

I might have been able to do something call 911 in time before she died...
I realize now I won't be able to hold a job, not in my state of mind. The grief is too overwhelming.I'm going to go and apply for Social Security disability being that I am Morbidly obese. I might as welll face it. so either way I have to do something. I can't live this way -- screaming, shouting, crying. The pain's getting worse and worse not better. I just wish I was strong. I've failed annette. I could have done more to have saved her.

I just wish she could hear me. I wish she knew how sorry I am. I let her down.

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 5, 2017 at 12:03am

The guilt will ravage your soul if you allow it in too far.  All of us wish we could have done more to save the one person we didn't want to lose.  The one person who knew us.  Loved us.  Cared for us.  But little small steps are what we do now.  Doing the best we can and holding on to the people who are willing to help us now.  

All of us would prefer to have the continued blessings from that one singular person who made us whole.  Now we are half until once again we are reunited.  But we must try to believe they are just behind a veil we cannot see through giving us the same love, the same care they did when they were alive.  Some how the people who want to help us now are being sent to us through the energy of our loved one.  

You are still early in grief.  All of your dreams and falls are unfortunately how the body is reacting.  Just do what you can to take steps that Annette would want you to take.  To minimize your pain.  Think of her while you do them.  She is there with you.  She is right behind the veil and does not want to see you suffer.  

And it is wonderful that your brother is being so kind. And your sister has a point.  Our loved ones send us their power through angels.  They come to us in all different ways.  Annette is sending them your way.  Embrace them.  

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 6, 2017 at 12:20am

It's not on Monday morning 2 AM and I am fully awake.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 6, 2017 at 12:27am

I can't stop shaking and it's scary because it's in the dark I don't know what else to do with myself hopefully this week will be a productive week I have Applied for Social Security disabilty online.

I'm no longer employable I'm too fat for 420 pounds, can't walk, can barely stay standing and my ankles are both nearly black with skin that's become scales-like. ankles up actually the color black.

This week has to be a make or break week for me.

So weird sitting In the dark right right now. there's so much silence even outside there's no traffic. The only sound I have is the sound of the fan running in the room.

Is this whats going to happen every day for the rest of my life?

If it is then I must of been absolutely cruel human being to others in a previous life and I'm now paying for it.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 6, 2017 at 10:46am

Everyone:

Despite my current situation I am still trying to give Annette a decent memorial service.

in addition the cell phone that we use will be cut off and I will be unable to Communicate with the agencies that I'm trying to get help from. I ask everyone if you could pass this link to my GoFundMe page for Annette's Memorial service among you and your friends.

in the mean time I'm going to visit several churches to see if they can help. Although they currently charge fees for memorial services but I have to try and I have to keep the cell phone up and running as I wait to hear about my benfits which I pray I get.

http://www.gofundme.com/wifememorial

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 6, 2017 at 2:37pm

Something strange. I just realized I have really nothing going on in my life. I look for work, can't find work. my health is out and all I do is sit outside and wait for the sun to go down and then I repeat it every day.

My god, is this a punishment? Could I have committed in a previous life some heinous crime?

I keep thinking why didn't Annette cry out to me for help? why didn't she scream, choke out loud gasping for air and say help???

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't feel guilty but how can I not? I'll always be thinking this day and night, night and day. It may drive me to madness but I can't shake it.

I should've taken better care of her. I should've been in the bed with her. I should've taken better care of her. I would've seen the problem quickly and she would not have died.

I'm so ashamed of myself. I failed as a husband. I'm nothing.
Just a broken down man with health problems. I pray Annette can forgive me. I beg her every night for forgiveness. I ask her and so far no answer.

I doubt I will be able to keep this apartment. unemployment benefits doesn't look too good despite repeated attempts to find out about my benefits.

Also with the cell phone being cut off by the end of the week I will not have anyway to be contacted through the Internet .

It's as if some force that I can't explain or understand is taking everything away little by little until there's nothing left.

I have no ties here my brothers and sister have their own family problems. I don't own property. bank accounts empty. The local churches won't help -- that's a weird one.

But like I said it's very strange to have absolutely nothing. including silence -- like the world has decided to cut me off.

I wish I had the answers to the Why this trajedy happened to us both.

if Annette can see me then she sees my suffering. she knows I love her. she also sees a grief, profound loneliness and darkness that I am going through.

Maybe she'll finally answer and tell me "Rich, I love you." There's no need to feel guilt. I promise we'll be together forever."

Then I can at least live for the day when we're reunited again.

I pray for that forgiveness every night.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 8, 2017 at 9:53am

I got up late today and I'm going to go outside and once more wait for the sun to go down.

I decided to call the Mayors office to see if I can get help paying my cell phone. Unfortunately they don't have the funds for that so i tried (again) church charities and every single one said they couldn't help for various reasons.

I'm still trying to raise funds for my wife's Memorial service and I've hit a roadblock.

I still have my go fund me page but so far you are no more donations which is probably not surprising .

What's funny is I did a search of donations at Go Fund Me. I was asking for $500 to help with my memorial fund and yet I see thousands of dollars donated to various causes like "please help pay for my sons college" or "please help with buying a new matress" these people receive thousand dollars.

So I must be a complete moron.
I didn't want to go and create a go fund me page but I had to try.

I realize now that even the best intentions when asking for charity is there are those people who really don't need it, And could live without it get very lucky, while some people with tragedies simply don't.

I told my brother that my cell phone will probably be cut off this coming Saturday and then if I don't answer it's not because I don't want to but because I can't.

He was upset why I didn't pay the bill and I explained to him I had to pay for Annette's cremation and that, that was a priority.

Throw in the grief and of course my mind wasnt 100%.

My grief has intensified. The routine of "Doing nothing" continues to torture me 24/7.

With my limited mobility all I can do is just wait until hopefully my unemployment kicks in. or the eviction will. I don't know anymore.

anyway, like I said, I'm going to go outside so I'll just wait for the sun to go down. who knows, maybe something interesting might happen today.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on February 8, 2017 at 4:21pm

How much is your cell phone bill Rich?

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 8, 2017 at 4:43pm

Dear Rachel (and everyone here)
So grateful I found this place I probably would've done something stupid if I hadn't found you all.

The T-mobile bill Is $372. Annette and I would've paid for it all but with her death, cremation costs and losing the job it's just been a totally, brutal painful experience.

Annette and I used to sit outside together Now when I sit alone outside I realize the totality of my new life . I can't stop being scared of being alone.

And acquaintance of ours happen to stop by and she said to me can you imagine if you had gone first? She would be suffering even more than you it would've been more brutal for her that it is for you and you know that .

She would be suffering every day. if you love her then you should be grateful because you'll be together again.

God took her first because she would never have been able to survive the suffering .

She said my time will come. Maybe sooner, maybe later but we'll be together. To leave to to God's will in this time.

I wish I could find more comfort in that but as long as I am alone the pain will just keep coming.

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