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MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND
Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.
They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.
She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.
She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!
I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death.
It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Michael on
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I wish I could take your terrible pain away, the same pain I am feeling over the loss if my wife two months ago. One thing I would say is not to blame yourself. Peace to you.
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Permalink Reply by Stacey on
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I understand completely, I lost my husband of 11 years 5 weeks ago. My husband was only 35, healthy and very active. He got the flu and stayed home from work. I called him on my lunch and he didn't answer so I came home to check on him. I also found him in bed and rolled him over to discover he was gone. I have no words of advice for you just know that there are people who understand.
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Permalink Reply by Shirley on
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Richard....Do not know you but just read your post and going to ask GOD to touch you gently and bring you out of the depression you are in. Our CREATOR knows everything and still controls all of our lives. HE has made a PLAN for each of us and when it is our time to return to HIM, we will go and those left behind cannot ask any questions. You found your soul mate and was given the time HE planned for the two of you. Now you have to Let Go and Let GOD take you forward for the PLAN HE has for you. You had 12 wonderful years and it was time for your Annette to return to her FATHER in HEAVEN......Please do not get angry with me because HE is letting me write this to you today.........I have had to say goodbye to my parents, grand parents, family members, two husbands, in laws, friends and neighbors but GOD has brought me through each hurdle that has popped up in my life. Have FAITH and BELIEVE that HE will guide forward to where it is HE wants you to be and with whomever He wants you to be with.... Sending prayers for you ........GOD BLESS you always............Shirley
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Permalink Reply by Alison J on
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Richard, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Annette. I lost my beautiful husband 10 months ago, and I blamed myself for not doing more to help him stop smoking, lose weight and get him to a better doctor, since he had blood clots. He was misdiagnosed as having bronchitis, and one day he told me he was having trouble breathing, and that's when we found out about the clots. I was alone with him when he died, too. It was not your fault, please don't increase your own pain by blaming yourself. I did that for 6 months after my husband died, and it was not good. I am sending you prayers and positive waves for some healing. I was still in shock at 3 weeks, and I do have moments when I wish that God would take me so we can be together again. I have two stepchildren, we did not have children of our own, either. Please be well and keep posting, there are a lot of people here who understand. I'm one of them. Peace.
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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on
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In addition to losing my beloved wife ANnette, I get today a card to appear in court for non payment of rent. ANnette and I were working poor. I spent every penny from my Go Fund Me page (which never reached its goal) to help pay for her cremation and urn.
I don't care anymore. I lost my love. My life is gone. I wait now for my time to come and be with her. I will never heal. The pain is too deep. I beg God take me in my sleep. Please, end this suffering Lord. Help me and Annette be together once more as this world is full of such cruelty and heart ache.
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Richard, you are so overwhelmed right now. You are being hit on all sides and are so vulnerable! There is no need for you to feel guilty. Annette made her decision and you tried to sway her. You are NOT responsible for her death. You have to take care of you now. See if Social Services can give you a hand. We, on this forum, can offer you a sounding board and give you some emotional support. Feel free to rant and rave and cry here. We're all in the same boat. Some of us are a little further along in the experience but that doesn't mean we don't have our meltdowns. Praying for a Christmas miracle for you.
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I no longer care what happens to me. Evicted, hardly enough for food and no freinds. My sister asked if I wanted to come over for CHristmas. I told her no. I can't function, i'm a zombie and the mental devestation leaves me with the ability to be around other human beings.
I keep shouting at night "Annette, m y love, please speak to me" but the apartment is silent. COld. It frightens me every day. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. It's agony. Total and complete agony. I wake up, stare at the urn with her ashes on the table across from our bed. This is living?? I'm 52 and I just want to be with her. There is no meaning or purpose. Only existence. And that's not enough. I can't bare the thought of going to work, only to come home and go right to sleep -- the rest of my life. That's madness. And I cant stop shaking. I barely eat and my health is now steadily declining. I suppose that's a good thing as my time will come sooner and when I sleep, Annette will wake me up and say "Time to go honey, come on." I beg, hope and dream for that moment. Please understand I have no close friends. No relatives, no pets. Only an apartment from which Im to be evicted from (i spent what money i had for ANnetes cremation, urn) Once Annette comes to collect me, my siblings will mourn (briefly) and life will indeed go on for them and I'll be a distant memory. Please God, I ask you to come with Annette and collect me as my misery grows. My spirit is broken. My heart is only half complete without her.
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Richard
Your feelings match mine and most people on here. It is very hard. I wish i could fix it. -
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The pain is driving me mad. I know I can't survive without my beloved. Each day drives me to insanity. The solitude and loneliness is too much to bare. I can't continue the madness of silence solitude.
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Richard, my heart goes out to you. Life is wonderful and we all have hurdles and problems that we have to endure on a daily basis. Going to ask you a question. Please do not be angry with me either. What would your soul mate, Annette say to you right now, if she could get a message to you? Would she want to hear you say you have nothing to live for or would she say,,,,,,,," Honey,I had my time on Earth and we were soul mates that GOD placed together. We had each other and our life was wonderful, but GOD wanted me to come home and I had to leave you behind. This was the plan for us made for us by our HEAVENLY FATHER. Will be waiting for you here when it is your time to come home. No one is aware of when that time will be because GOD does not let know ahead of the time." Please stop and take a minute to think about what you would hear from her if that were possible. You have a reason to remain here with your family and can make new great friends to talk with, but you have to take the first step forward and continue moving forward with baby steps until you can make it to a full walk or run through each day. You do not know me nor do I know you, but I do know that we are are created for our purpose while here on Earth. I have survived the death of a husband and had kids to raise by myself. That is why I can say to you that it can be possible to move on at a steady slow pace..... Please hold on and rely on the guidance, comfort, strength, courage and life that is given to you daily from our CREATOR .......Life can still be a wonder for each of us if we just believe.............Shirley from Arizona
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Shirley:
Thankyou but i have no fsamily or children. I am alone. I missmy beloved Annette. I have a lousey job and facing eviction. There is nowhere to go but away from this world. I remember Annete and I talking about what would happen if one of us would die first. She told me she'd never be able to handle it and hoped if/when the time came it would be her. It chills me to think what she would be doing had it been me.
I wish I could have saved her. BUt I didn't. I could done more, should have done more but I failed. There is nothing keeping me here. No purpose. I am 52, morbidly obese and suffering 24/7. I woke screaming out to her. I am slowly dying, but I want the pain and agony to stop. My thoghts of joy come when I think about closding my eyes for the last time then opening them to find my love before me. She would understand because she knows me.
There is nothing keeping me here in this world. It's just existing with blinding agony.
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The loneliness and silence is slowly killing me. My heart is weakening. I can feel my life draining away. I can't live like this. This isn't living. I can't last. My heart is broken and this isn't life. My love, please take my hand and let me come with you. There is nothing here for me. I'm alone. Please beloved, take my hand and tell me it's time for us to be together. My suffering is profound. My soul is empty. I love and will always love you and still love you.
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